I watched a programme by Oprah Winfrey where she interviewed John Legend and his then fiancé and he sang this song that he had written about his fiancé. It was just beautiful. How fantastic would it be to be in a relationship with someone who wrote songs like that about you. What a talent. Song is stunning – even better when he sang it in person on the tv show.
Well what a metamorphosis has taken place over night. I slept badly, tossing and turning over the dilemma that is my life. I know that life is full of choices and I let someone take away my choices for a little while. Not intentionally but sometimes if you want something so badly you will adjust your behaviour in order to fit in with that persons ideal of you. I realised I have been trying to fit with someone else instead of living my life for me. It has been an epiphany of a day – I usually don’t get that carried away from my true self but at least I am aware of how much I was changing into a person I did not like. It is as if I have been hypnotised and someone has clicked their fingers and I am finally back in the room.
Maybe it was the time I had without my two littlest babies, I have been stressed over their behaviour for a little while that I was finding my own escape in this other person. One night without them however and I feel like light has been breathed into my soul. As a single parent I try my hardest on a daily basis to keep my kids on the straight and narrow path but lately I was not enjoying being a mother. I felt like my kids were sucking some of the life out of me. Hopes and dreams had been put aside because my kids were demanding all of my attention. I think it is these hopes and dreams that keep my head above water mentally. I think if I can see a little light for me at the end of the tunnel then I know things will be okay but for a long time now I was losing sight of my goals and losing sight of me.
The biggest choice I have made today is to wake up and get busy. I cannot automatically snap my fingers and wish for more money, more time, more of everything so I will stop thinking along those lines and I will focus on my writing, I will schedule in time every day – even if I have to wait till my kids are all tucked up in bed to do so. I have also made the choice to live my life as best as I can. If I get a chance for a night out I am going to take it. I am opening up myself to new experiences and a whole new outlook on life. I feel positive and energised today. I feel purposeful and lighter. I feel like I have been freed in some way.
I hope this new positivity stays around for a while. I like it.
I have been elusively silent this last little while because I have been struggling with a bout of low self esteem. I have been letting myself get bogged down in too much negative energy. I am supposed to be on holiday from work but for some reason this coincided with a huge lull in my mood. This also coincides with my inability to do my normal solitary walks but I don’t think that is totally to blame. Some times I just get filled with total all-encompassing self doubt. I have been filled with a dread at the thought of writing anything. I have been trapped at home because of weather and other elements and it has taken to today to make me feel like I could drag myself out of the doldrums.
I have been dreaming about some me time, some time to do something out of the ordinary, something to make me wake up and see that I need to grab life with both hands. I have been reading books by John Green and these seem to be helping to pick up my mood. These novels are really well written and make me want to write better. I have only this last few minutes got back the urge to write my little heart out. My two youngest kids are on sleepovers and I have had my nights television dictated to me by my brother and my eldest son. From this moment on I will be taking control back of my own life.
Tomorrow depends on the weather. If I can get out I will be walking somewhere, anywhere. I have spent a week down in the dumps due to a situation that I cannot change but the way I have reacted to it meant that I was low, sad, depressed. Today I am stepping out of that scenario and taking my life back. Why I takes me so long to get a grip I will never know. I also realise that I should never make plans because they very rarely work out.
Tonight I will be sitting up to the wee hours grounding myself back in the essence of me. I am going to read over my recent work, read over my favourite stories by other authors and immerse myself in those things that make me who I am. My kids are away so I can indulge myself, I can relax, chill and re-energise myself and god knows I have been needing this. I also think that the negativity creeps up on me because I have not been away for my kids or work for a very long time. I cannot remember the last time I was able to let my hair down. I cannot remember the last time that I was allowed a night of fun without responsibility. Months of having no me time, no time out with friends or family has taken its toll on me and today I have been really feeling the weight of that on me.
I am hoping that tomorrow I will be walking a little lighter. I hope for something to look forward to.
I have been writing a love letter tonight, I wanted to feel connected to someone and pour out my heart onto the page. I have not sent this letter I just wanted to feel that there was someone out there who would eventually fit the bill and I needed to exorcise some romance demons. The letter was really a letter to myself to let me now that I am capable of feeling, capable of receiving and deserving a little love. I live in a bubble of my life, I very rarely venture out of that bubble. This is due to time constraints, money being in short supply and just not having anyone to share momentous occasions with apart from my kids so I thought for one night only that I would make-believe that my fantasy guy was real, that I could write a love letter and send it out into the universe.
After writing this letter I realised that I have a life, I have an abundance of love, I have real gut-wrenching moments of pure love in my life. These moments do not come to me in a conventional sense but they exist nonetheless. I have a love of family. I hope if nothing else from writing my blog that my love for my kids comes shining through. I have a love of life – yes things are hard but I snatch moments of pure unadulterated joy out of life be it walking with my dog, listening to my baby grandsons laugh with abandon, my baby boys bug hugs, my daughters snuggle times in my bed when we read and chat like an old married couple. I have a special remarkable, wonderful view of the world that makes me smile, makes me sit up and take notice on a daily basis.
I have spent so much time cramming information into my head, studying, sitting exams, learning new facts that I lost the ability to just be. I felt heart broken and deserted once I stepped off that learning train. I lost the essence of who I was, the core of my being revolved around all these courses, the buzz from learning. It has taken me almost a year but today I am finally realising that it is okay to be me. It is okay to be on my own with nothing to do except live my life. My head space is getting less crammed every day – it is freeing me up to indulge my love of writing so that encouraged me to write this letter of love.
I did not write this letter in hope of a reply, I did not write it because I need to be validated by a significant other I just wanted to see if I could capture my idea of romance, my image of what love is. It was an exercise in writing that made me understand there is more than one way to experience love. There is more than one way to express love. There is more than one way to feel love.
I hope right at this moment in time everyone feels, sees, experiences a little love in their life no matter what form it comes in.
This is one of my first favourite films, it was my dads favourite. It has every idea I have about romance, love, men and relationships in it. Don’t know if that is a good or a bad thing but I love it nonetheless.
Today was my last day at work for ten days. I booked the holidays along with the school October week. So I had absolutely no plans for my time off but today I got hooked on tracing my family history and think I will be consumed by this for the foreseeable future. My days will be spent in pursuit of more information about all the people I have found already. I started with my dads side of the family and am trying to work my way back but need to pad out the information I have on my ancestors. I would like to have a full social history as well as a chronological one.
I have also been sorting through other personal artefacts and papers. It has been a long time coming but I am finally ready to deal with the clutter in my bedroom. When I use the word clutter I do not mean rubbish. I mean research for lots of different things that I am going to file and sort out so I know where everything is. I keep writing things down and putting them in random places and now is the time for me to gather it all together and get really busy. I feel positive and excited at the start of these projects because they are both uncovering really interesting things.
It has been getting my brain active again. I have felt directionless for a wee while because I have had no courses or essays to write. I have had plans for my writing for ages and have been squirreling bits of information away here, there and everywhere. Today is day one and I will keep you all informed of my progress. I would just like to say a huge thank you to D (she knows who she is) for getting me working again. Life is a blast with you in it.