Well people things have certainly been challenging over the last few weeks. The couch tales lasted almost six weeks with me having to camp out in my living room. But hooray, the bed situation has been rectified for the moment. I am back in the world of the sleeping. I spent the first two nights back in my bed just rolling from one side to the other in a frenzy of reacquaintance. I revelled in the soft, plump pillows, the mattress shaped by my form that had not forgotten me. It was a beautiful thing to behold. I have been having small panics when I awaken that if I leave the comfort and safetly of my own bed that things will transpire against me and I will have to relinquish my haven again but as of yet that has not happened. I am making the most of this relationship between my bed and me. It is the new beginning of a wonderful love story.
In other ways my life is just plodding along as it usually does. The house is still overcrowded but everyone is coping with it the best way they can. I had been desperately worried about christmas but the truth is things had been so hectic that christmas was not even worth wasting any thoughts over. I have now started christmas shopping but I am resigned to living within my means and not getting carried away with myself. It is unfortunate or fortunate (pick your own appropriate word here) that I cannot outstep the boundaries of my budget, I have no credit to abuse, no hidden income that can be squandered over the festive period. It even crossed my mind that maybe I should make some gifts this year to spare myself the stress and presssure inflicted on the poor from every direction. I know I am not the most creative person artistically so this might not be the best idea I have ever had.
On the writing front – the stress of having my house so crowded had put a stop to all my writing plans but now that I am back in my room again I have been able to get the old cogs working again. I have nothing finished or ready to sendout into the world but at least I am writing again. I know that writing is the one thing in my life that gives me pure joy (apart from my kids) but it is also the one thing that falls by the wayside when things get hard. I need to prioritise my writing better because it keeps me sane. It is my window to make sense of the world. Back to work tomorrow and I am not really looking forward to it. Computers are not working too great so my day will be spent looking for things to pass the time.
With christmas only a couple of weeks away most people look forward to the social side of the festivities but being a single mother my plans are non-existent. I have no parties to go to, no nights out planned with workmates, no nativities, no carol concerts – not a single event. I dont even feel like this is a bad thing because if I were to be invited to anything then it would cause the stress involved with finding and buying an outfit, which in turn would cause me not to enjoy the night out as I dont do dressing up and I dont feel like me in party clothes.
I am the most unwomanly woman I know. I dont enjoy the pursuit of glamour, I do not want to put on a mask of make up and put on a fake persona to the world. I just like being me. I remember getting a spray tan (for a family wedding), my one and only spray tan ever and all the time I was being sprayed with the orange liquid I was thinking why on earth am I doing this? On the day itself my skin looked no different to the pale and interesting self that I usually am. I felt ridiculous getting it and even more silly when it made no difference to my skin colour. I felt awkward on the day since I was wearing a dress which just made me feel nothing like myself. It ruined the day for me as I could not relax. I have no understanding of the reasons why women and occasionally men go through this rigmarole to give themselves an unnatural orange hue.
I am going to stop writing now as I want to read a little before I retire to my bed. I am slowly getting back to the old me. I am starting to rebuild my life again so wish me luck. I am going to try planning some new years resolutions – have something to focus on for the new year. Watch this space.