Gotta get out of this place

I have spent the last two weeks suffering from mental anguish.  I have been crippled with feelings of low self esteem, low mood and this eventually made me ill.  The loneliness of having to deal with raising all my kids on my own is a HUGE responsibility.  I have been faced with the most stressful three weeks of my parenting years.  I have totally struggled to keep myself together over the last three weeks.  I feel like all non essential tasks were shut down because my brain was concentrating so hard on my biggest problem. 

To top all of the stress surrounding my kids, my money issues all compounded with a few bills going up just before Christmas.  I went back to basics and stopped all non-crucial bills and even at that money is going to be very tight for the foreseeable future.  I sometimes think – will today be the day when everything gets too much OR is today the day when something good is going to happen?  I am ever hopeful that something good will happen but most likely is that things just get more difficult.

I have been asked to go on a night out on Saturday with four couples but what lone parent wants to be surrounded by happy couples.  I just cant stomach this at the moment.  I am in dire need of some time out.  I have been drowning in my own company for so long that I don’t even think I could make polite conversation.  I don’t think I even have anything I would want to talk about.  I feel like I need to lay in a darkened room for a few hours just learning how to breath again.  This last three weeks I have gone from stress, to anguish, to being upset and back to stress again.  Is it any surprise my brain shut down?

My kid stress has been sorted out for the time being but that situation can change at any moment.  I am looking forward to a family dinner on Saturday with all my kids.  I had to take three days off my work because I was suffering from some virus and for all three days I did exactly nothing.  I slept the first two days away.  Today I just sat and watched mindless quizzes on tv.  I have sorted out a little of my Christmas shopping and feel a little less panicked about it than I did last year.  I still have my youngest son’s birthday to sort out and I have no clue how I will manage to get his presents.  I have taken no joy from the festive season for the last couple of years because all it represents to me is stress.  This year it will just be a quiet affair with me and my three youngest and it will be a million miles from our usual family filled Christmas. 

I am having a little purge tonight because I have not blogged for a little while.  My blog will hopefully resume as normal soon because it is one thing that makes me feel human, makes me feel like I have someone to talk to when my kids are all in bed.  My dog has been hiding in the house for the last three days due to fireworks and I will be hopefully getting out in the morning with him, maybe go to my hill and sit and look until I feel human again. 

I would be happy with a cold, bright, windy day.  One where the wind blows away all my cares.  Sorry for the rant but I feel better for getting all that stuff off my chest. 

Sleep well.