Keep my feet on the ground

Well the new week begins tomorrow.  I have had the most boring weekend only salvaged by a wonderful day spent with my daughter and grandson.  I love watching the enthusiasm they bring to my house.  A sunny disposition is a wonderful quality and they have it in heeps.  A wonderful illuminating sunburst of loveliness in my day.  This visit dragged me out of the doldrums and cheered my heart.

I am feeling refreshingly optimistic tonight and I don’t know if it is because of my visit or have I siphoned off a little bit of their positivity or has something else brought a spring into my step.  Who knows but it is a welcome change to my usual sunday night blues that pre-empts my Monday at work.  I am determined to not lose this good feeling. 

My plan for the week is to get serious about my walking again.  With zeke’s unfortunate recent illness my walking got put on hold, I also let my intentions for myself be sabotaged by other forces.  I am going to walk with purpose once again.  I have been enjoying the turn in the weather and want to capture some autumnal colours, I want to see my hill as it changes, take some photographs. 

I started writing this post with no clear direction, I thought if I just started writing that some prophetic, marvellous inspirational thought would pop into my head and be shared on this page with you.  Instead I have found myself directionless and distracted.  I am suffering from my lack of walking, my lack of fresh air, my lack of scenery and not allowing myself to indulge my creative side.  It also makes me feel like I have been denying part of my soul.  I cannot do this to myself any more. 

So I am going to let my daughters light rub off on me.  I am going to grab hold of that positive vibe and start over with my plans.  I will get back on track tomorrow.  I am not ready to let things get the better of me so tomorrow is another day.  I will be keeping you up to date on my progress so keep your fingers crossed for me. 



Hopelessly weighed down by your eyes

I have been struggling to find time to write on my blog this week.  I seem to have spent days running around after my kids, I even had a visit to accident and emergency after an accident at school.  Sometimes real life just demands that you sit up and take notice and I think that is what happened this week.  Been a little insular as of late and life just reminded me that I have to take care of things a little better.

I spent this evening looking over old photographs with one of my daughters.  This cheered me up, laughing at all the silly faces kids pull, the way their faces change over time and just nostalgic memories.  Reminded me of how close me and my kids are, what a great team we are and how easily memories are made when you are surrounded by all these wonderful little people.  I am truly blessed with a fantastic family.  How can I ever really be unhappy with my life when I have been responsible for bringing five fabulous people into the world and raised them all single-handedly and watched some of them bring some of their own special little people into the world. 

Tomorrow I plan to walk with my friend (hopefully) and then come home and start writing in earnest.  I feel like we are all in a good place now and I have to show all my kids and myself that I can follow through on an idea and a dream. 


Let me love you (until you learn to love yourself)

Fridays are usually just another day for me.  I had plans for tonight that I had been looking forward to but once my wee dog got ill I had to change those plans.  Dog vet bills are seriously painful but worth it.  My pooch is feeling a little like his old self today which is a welcome relief to me.  I was devastated watching him retreat into his wee self.  I realised though that I am still mired down by my responsibilities.  Still bloody procrastinating about life.

Today is a day of revelations – time to put aside all my dithering about, time to get seriously busy with my writing.  I will post here as often as I can but I have book plans, eating away at my soul.  I have almost got the whole book plan sorted from start to finish but I just need to take the plunge and get writing.  I am not going to use any more excuses and kick myself up the arse.

I have also been getting side-tracked in my walking purposes.  I have been hanging around waiting on other people to get their feet in gear, waiting around for something to change, waiting around for permission to get on with my life.  Today I am giving myself permission to get on with it.  Even my kids have been on my back asking me when I am going to get it started.  I am ready, have been ready for a while just been letting those old insecurities get on top of me.  I need to be constantly vigilant over my own emotions, feelings and stresses as I keep falling back into old patterns. 

I am  feeling the loss of my big dog walks yesterday and today.  I did not want to drag Zeke out to those lengths when he wasn’t feeling at his best but I have surely missed them.  My future is inextricably linked to those walks, the exercise, the wind, the freshness as they keep me thinking – they make me feel alive.  I feel like my life has purpose.

I know as the mother of five and the grandmother of three that my life does have some purpose but at 41 I do not think that being a parent defines who I am.  I am desperate to achieve some personal goals in my life.  My first goal is finishing my first manuscript.  I am determined that if I do nothing else productive with the time I have left I will get one of my books fully written and ready for the world. 

I have been enjoying the release of poetry and it has gotten me through a few difficult situations but it is really just a hobby at this moment in time.  I want to indulge every creative aspect of myself so I will return to  poetry whenever I can.  Feeling the buzz of getting back to me today.  I am feeling the buzz of embracing everything life has to offer. 


Just walking the dog.

I have been absent from here for a couple of days.  I had been walking with my dog every day, for a few hours and he had a few sickness incidents but yesterday he went downhill pretty fast, so this morning I had to rush him to the vet just to get checked out.  As it turns out he has probably ingested something on our walks this week and that has made him poorly.  All that added to the stress of being mauled by a lone, angry terrier yesterday has meant my little walking companion has not been feeling very well today. 

After a dose of antibiotics from the vet and a few tiny bland meals he seems to be managing through today even though he looks so fragile.  He is usually so full of life that nothing keeps him down.  He has been getting excited when we get visitors but the lethargy that comes after this exertion leaves him knackered.  Zeke did manage a quick walk today and his tail was wagging but not quite as lively as usual.  I am hopeful that he is now on the mend but I was scared for a little while because he was just so ill.

This has brought a few things to light;

1.  I was terrified that something would happen to him – I felt vulnerable, lonely, scared and a little bit lost to be honest.  I felt the same as I did when my oldest son had his first asthma attack.  Terrified that I would not have his wee happy self to watch on my walks.  Scared that not having him to share my walks would make me not want to walk.  Vulnerable that if I did not have his company then I would lose it altogether.

2.  I have spent months eradicating the stressful things in my life but in one fell swoop I felt it all descend on me again.  I was clenching my teeth, getting headaches and stomach aches with the worry that something really bad was going to happen to my dog.

3.  I realised that I am so lonely that losing my dog would be wholly catastrophic.  If I didn’t have him then who would be my daily company, who would be the one thing that keeps my life on an even keel, who would fill the void that losing zeke would bring into my life?

4.  Zeke is the one thing in my life that loves me unconditionally, he is always pleased to see me, I make him almost as happy as he makes me.  How miserable would my life be without him.

I know some people would read this and think – He is only a dog but to me he is much more.  I made a decision earlier this year that things in my life had to change.  Almost all my ideas about getting fitter and taking back my life depended on me getting out with my dog.  I literally felt like this daft canine companion has saved my life because if I did not turn things around I would be in a much sorrier state.  Our daily walks give me something to look forward to, they give me a reason to get out of bed in the morning, they keep my spirits lifted when usually I go through a rollercoaster of emotions.  Nothing ever gets so bad if I manage to get out to walk with my dog.  I see the world through much brighter perspectives when I have my dog to keep me company. 

I will be looking after him all weekend in the hope that he gets back to his usual boisterous loving self because I feel as if we are connected and if he doesn’t make it then I don’t think my nerves could get over it.  I am going to try sleeping now because last night I was filled with dread as I tried to fall asleep.  Lying in the dark worrying, stressing, fearing that my wee pal was seriously ill – almost made me ill.  Here is hoping tomorrow is a better day for him.  I will keep you all posted.


What can i say

I am sitting on my bed, listening to the silence of the house writing my blog post.  I have been at work today, putting a brave face on things.  My kids have been little darlings today but they probably have been sensing that I needed a day off from their squabbles and silly fights.  I am still feeling lonely – no one to chat to at the moment, getting used to the silence again. 

I have decided to look around for local groups that I may think about joining, not that I will have babysitters but at least knowing there is places out there of interest will make me feel better.  I am looking forward to Friday, it has been a long time since I had a night out and it could not have come at a better time.  I will be doing something a bit different so I am quite excited about getting out, having a chat, meeting new people.

I think I would have totally cracked up had it not been for my addiction to walking the dog.  I have felt myself flagging on days where I don’t get out on a huge walk.  It is as if I am drained of energy if I am not able to exorcise my demons during a long, furious walk.  Tomorrow will be a good day as I have free time in the morning.  I have parent evenings to go to at night so it will be hard for me to get some writing time tomorrow but I will try and fit it in somewhere. 

I am charging up my ipod so I can sing away my frustration as I walk, I am feeling okay today.  Life has not ended.  I am still here – still loving my kids, walking my dog, writing my blog, writing poems and planning my next step. 




Here we go



I had been on my own for so long

that when he found me

I was agog with awe

at how sweet he was.

I jumped in with both eyes

firmly shut.

Thought he saved me

from my life with no light.

Spent too long,

wrapped up in him

limbs, lips, legs, hips.

Felt his touch

like being branded with love.

His touch made me weep

with gratitude.

His smell suffocated me

in gorgeous musky scents

that I wanted to drown in.

I was so starved of human warmth

that I let my heart go

to unchartered seas.

Where it bobbed just out of reach,

too late to be saved

I prayed countless prayers

Of longing.

Of love.

Of loss.

To a god I never believed in.

It was all a mistake, mine.