Well what a metamorphosis has taken place over night. I slept badly, tossing and turning over the dilemma that is my life. I know that life is full of choices and I let someone take away my choices for a little while. Not intentionally but sometimes if you want something so badly you will adjust your behaviour in order to fit in with that persons ideal of you. I realised I have been trying to fit with someone else instead of living my life for me. It has been an epiphany of a day – I usually don’t get that carried away from my true self but at least I am aware of how much I was changing into a person I did not like. It is as if I have been hypnotised and someone has clicked their fingers and I am finally back in the room.
Maybe it was the time I had without my two littlest babies, I have been stressed over their behaviour for a little while that I was finding my own escape in this other person. One night without them however and I feel like light has been breathed into my soul. As a single parent I try my hardest on a daily basis to keep my kids on the straight and narrow path but lately I was not enjoying being a mother. I felt like my kids were sucking some of the life out of me. Hopes and dreams had been put aside because my kids were demanding all of my attention. I think it is these hopes and dreams that keep my head above water mentally. I think if I can see a little light for me at the end of the tunnel then I know things will be okay but for a long time now I was losing sight of my goals and losing sight of me.
The biggest choice I have made today is to wake up and get busy. I cannot automatically snap my fingers and wish for more money, more time, more of everything so I will stop thinking along those lines and I will focus on my writing, I will schedule in time every day – even if I have to wait till my kids are all tucked up in bed to do so. I have also made the choice to live my life as best as I can. If I get a chance for a night out I am going to take it. I am opening up myself to new experiences and a whole new outlook on life. I feel positive and energised today. I feel purposeful and lighter. I feel like I have been freed in some way.
I hope this new positivity stays around for a while. I like it.