Getting over you

Dear you

Up until four days ago I was happy
I looked forward to seeing you
kissing you, being with you.
I felt that I had found
someone who had made me whole.
You raised a passion in me
that scorched away memories
of anyone who went before.
You made me feel womanly, safe, beautiful
I felt caressed in your light.
I truly let myself fall for you
even though I knew things were
“complicated”.

Since you have been gone
I have been numb,
a huge hole has been left
where my days were filled
with excitement and anticipation
of your calls, texts and visits –
now there is nothing.
I am temporarily stuck
in a limbo of longing.
Longing for your arms around me,
your hands on my skin,
your voice in my ears.

My heart is wide open
lifes blood, dripping
ebbing from me
waiting for you to rush in
to patch me together again.
My head knows this is a dream
a futile wish
but my heart oh so wants it to be true!
Deep inside my heart
it knows the words you said
were never meant for me.

Today I am dying
the pain is too great
tomorrow I may recline
in my bed for a day
or two.
Cry silent tears
quilt over my head
cry for a love
that now lies dead.
Maybe in a week
a month or a year
I will stand up tall
and let go of my fear
that all men decieve
all men lie.

I will wake up
see it for what it always was.
Me with my girls heart
eternally hopeful
letting in a frog
disguised as a prince.

I fell in love with love
for all that its worth.

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If you think your lonely now.

New year, new you or so they say. Over the last few days some changes were forced into my life and so today I am just going to make some sense of them. Do you know what its like when you have put a lot of your trust, feelings, emotions, love, care, time and effort into someone and they turn around at a crucial time and let you down? Do you know what it feels to have something that holds you together, makes everything in the world seem okay, grounds you to the earth and life? Do you know what it feels like to have that taken away in one violent outburst, one second of real hatred and anger directed at you and the one person in the world you thought wouldn’t let you down whips your feet from under you? Well that sort of sums up my weekend.

Three years is not a huge amount of time in relation to a lot of relationships but for me it was three years of feeling more alive than I ever have. Living life in a way that felt right and true even though to others it was not. Searching your heart and deciding to go with it, embracing everything we shared and letting it wash over me in a wave of happiness and just being able to feel like someone cherished me. Giving myself permission to be open, to let someone in to see the real me. Opening up myself to the richness that love can bring into your life. Today though it is clear that this has all ended. I have been to a place where this person revealed themselves to be nothing like the person I thought they were.

I have opened my eyes today. I am sad, devastated, bereft, inconsolable and hurt. Every day I hope brings a little less pain, a little less of the sensation of being ripped in half. I am sad now but anger will come and eventually I will see past it all and hopefully come out the other side. It doesnt take a genious to know that everyone goes through this kind of pain at some point in their lives. Sometimes it seems like I have had more than my fair share of it. My plan of action now is this;

1) take some time to grieve – let the pain out
2) get back to being busy with life
3) walk my dog for miles as often as possible
4) listen to music everyday – preferably loud
5) surround myself with people who care about me
6) write write write
7) write some more
8) squeeze something good out of everyday
9) squeeze love into everyday ( loving my kids, my grandkids and self love)
10)turn all these emotions into writing projects
11) writing is therapy – there may be some angry poems on the way
12) stay open to possibilities

For now I am going to step away from my computer, switch on some sad songs, write down my feelings, cry a lot, watch some sad movies, eat too much chocolate, cry a little more and then one day soon I am going to get a grip. Life is too short to waste feeling sad about someone who made me less of a person every hour I spent in their company. It is too short to let other people define who I am. It is too short to waste another second thinking about someone who clearly never had the emotional intelligence to be straight with anyone in his life.

Heres to a better tomorrow.

So Long Farewell

I would like to say goodbye to 2014. This year was jam-packed with painful events, family crises, hardships and many things that stretched my resolve. I spent the year going through one challenge after another. I lost three people dear to my heart which in itself brought up many issues that had lay dormant over the years. I struggled financially and at times things seemed to be at such a low ebb that I never thought I could see a silver lining and that any positives could come out of the year. I am nothing if not resilient though.

In all its challenging occurrences I learned many valuable lessons from the year:

1) Everything will be okay as long as I have my family around me.
2) Life always gives you choices – I just have to make better ones.
3} As long as I can escape now and again for a walk in the hills then I always have instant relief from whatever is holding me back.
4) I am very very lucky in that I have 5 astoundingly precious children and three grandchildren that fill my life with joy.
5) I have interests and skills that I can use everyday of my life.
6) I have reasonably good health.
7) As long as I can still dance then there is always something to look forward to and something that lifts my spirits.
8) I have passion, interests, people and a love of learning that means I am never bored.
9) I am starting to realise who is there for me time and again and I have people who I want to get to know much better in the new year.
10) I am alive with energy, a will to achieve my goals, the inspiration to create a new path for myself and people to share my journey.

It is all about the way you look at the world and for today January 1st 2015 I am looking up. I am looking at the world with clarity, positivity and gumption. Love to my kids, grandkids, aunts, cousins, friends, pets, colleagues and everyone I may have missed. xxxxxx