Hesitate

Today was my last day at work for ten days.  I booked the holidays along with the school October week.  So I had absolutely no plans for my time off but today I got hooked on tracing my family history and think I will be consumed by this for the foreseeable  future.   My days will be spent in pursuit of more information about all the people I have found already.  I started with my dads side of the family and am trying to work my way back but need to pad out the information I have on my ancestors.  I would like to have a full social history as well as a chronological one.

I have also been sorting through other personal artefacts and papers.  It has been a long time coming but I am finally ready to deal with the clutter in my bedroom.  When I use the word clutter I do not mean rubbish.  I mean research for lots of different things that I am going to file and sort out  so I know where everything is.  I keep writing things down and putting them in random places and now is the time for me to gather it all together and get really busy.  I feel positive and excited at the start of these projects because they are both uncovering really interesting things. 

It has been getting my brain active again.  I have felt directionless for a wee while because I have had no courses or essays to write.  I have had plans for my writing for ages and have been squirreling bits of information away here, there and everywhere.  Today is day one and I will keep you all informed of my progress.  I would just like to say a huge thank you to D (she knows who she is) for getting me working again.  Life is a blast with you in it. 

W 

Just breathe

My big walking frenzy officially started today.  I got off my arse and got back into the walking plans I have been talking my way around for a while.  I dropped the kids off at school and done my usual disappearing act.  On my walk today which took me about three and a half hours I saw one solitary human being.  A mountain biker who was trying to get to the top of the broch.  I know that where I walk is hilly and wild but I did not think people would be riding their bikes over this landmark.  Aye its at the top of a hill but its a pretty special place and deserves to be looked after instead of tearing it up with your bike.

On my way up to the broch I also came across a little sort of den thing.  It looked like someone has been trying to make a wee shelter out of bits of tree and things like that but I hope it is kids just having fun instead of some adult constructing a creepy wee hole to hide and watch folk.  To tell you the truth I would not have noticed it if it wasn’t for my dog going round that way but there was something off about it.  Made my hair stand on end and made me think about my safety on these walks.  The weather today was glorious, sunny, misty in the distance, cold – so when I exerted myself on the walk up my hill and up to the broch I felt refreshed apart from my red face.  I felt the benefit of the exercise and am hoping to get right back out there tomorrow morning.  The plan is to do it for four mornings this week.  I have been told I am walking for over nine miles but I am not sure how accurate that is.  The distance does not really matter its the view, the effort it takes to walk up all those hills, the fresh air, the solitariness and the thinking time I love – oh and watching Zeke enjoy the freedom.

I saw my friend with her dogs before I left for the walk and my heart dropped a little.  I love seeing her and have good chats but she doesn’t see the walks in the same way as I do and I find myself either cutting it short or not going at all when I walk with her.  Thankfully she was just saying hello, walked me to a certain point and let me get on my merry way.  Once I got home my feet were a little painful but not nearly as bad as they had been getting on this walk.  Either my feet have developed a thick protective skin or my thicker socks made all the difference.

I went to work and just let the day evolve on its own.  My work was pretty much deserted for a lot of the time but it did not drag in too long.  I don’t know why they get me in for three hours because there is very little I can achieve in that kind of space.  I do not have to work again until Thursday night so I don’t have to think about it for a little while yet.  I have put my writing on hold for a couple of days because I needed to reassess my plans with a fresh eye.  I will be sorting everything out tomorrow in order of priority and see where I go from there.  I am getting good at ignoring the drama around me, I have not been preoccupied with other peoples issues recently so I just need to pick up my writing intentions and get down to work.  I have also been in bed early every night this week so far so I feel better rested and more able for the challenges ahead.

I need to go and chase my daughter back to bed, she has switched on her laptop and I can hear her singing along to music (she has headphones on and doesn’t realise how loud she is singing).  She was sent to bed about an hour ago so I need to stage an intervention.

W

Keep my feet on the ground

Well the new week begins tomorrow.  I have had the most boring weekend only salvaged by a wonderful day spent with my daughter and grandson.  I love watching the enthusiasm they bring to my house.  A sunny disposition is a wonderful quality and they have it in heeps.  A wonderful illuminating sunburst of loveliness in my day.  This visit dragged me out of the doldrums and cheered my heart.

I am feeling refreshingly optimistic tonight and I don’t know if it is because of my visit or have I siphoned off a little bit of their positivity or has something else brought a spring into my step.  Who knows but it is a welcome change to my usual sunday night blues that pre-empts my Monday at work.  I am determined to not lose this good feeling. 

My plan for the week is to get serious about my walking again.  With zeke’s unfortunate recent illness my walking got put on hold, I also let my intentions for myself be sabotaged by other forces.  I am going to walk with purpose once again.  I have been enjoying the turn in the weather and want to capture some autumnal colours, I want to see my hill as it changes, take some photographs. 

I started writing this post with no clear direction, I thought if I just started writing that some prophetic, marvellous inspirational thought would pop into my head and be shared on this page with you.  Instead I have found myself directionless and distracted.  I am suffering from my lack of walking, my lack of fresh air, my lack of scenery and not allowing myself to indulge my creative side.  It also makes me feel like I have been denying part of my soul.  I cannot do this to myself any more. 

So I am going to let my daughters light rub off on me.  I am going to grab hold of that positive vibe and start over with my plans.  I will get back on track tomorrow.  I am not ready to let things get the better of me so tomorrow is another day.  I will be keeping you up to date on my progress so keep your fingers crossed for me. 

W

 

Let me love you (until you learn to love yourself)

Fridays are usually just another day for me.  I had plans for tonight that I had been looking forward to but once my wee dog got ill I had to change those plans.  Dog vet bills are seriously painful but worth it.  My pooch is feeling a little like his old self today which is a welcome relief to me.  I was devastated watching him retreat into his wee self.  I realised though that I am still mired down by my responsibilities.  Still bloody procrastinating about life.

Today is a day of revelations – time to put aside all my dithering about, time to get seriously busy with my writing.  I will post here as often as I can but I have book plans, eating away at my soul.  I have almost got the whole book plan sorted from start to finish but I just need to take the plunge and get writing.  I am not going to use any more excuses and kick myself up the arse.

I have also been getting side-tracked in my walking purposes.  I have been hanging around waiting on other people to get their feet in gear, waiting around for something to change, waiting around for permission to get on with my life.  Today I am giving myself permission to get on with it.  Even my kids have been on my back asking me when I am going to get it started.  I am ready, have been ready for a while just been letting those old insecurities get on top of me.  I need to be constantly vigilant over my own emotions, feelings and stresses as I keep falling back into old patterns. 

I am  feeling the loss of my big dog walks yesterday and today.  I did not want to drag Zeke out to those lengths when he wasn’t feeling at his best but I have surely missed them.  My future is inextricably linked to those walks, the exercise, the wind, the freshness as they keep me thinking – they make me feel alive.  I feel like my life has purpose.

I know as the mother of five and the grandmother of three that my life does have some purpose but at 41 I do not think that being a parent defines who I am.  I am desperate to achieve some personal goals in my life.  My first goal is finishing my first manuscript.  I am determined that if I do nothing else productive with the time I have left I will get one of my books fully written and ready for the world. 

I have been enjoying the release of poetry and it has gotten me through a few difficult situations but it is really just a hobby at this moment in time.  I want to indulge every creative aspect of myself so I will return to  poetry whenever I can.  Feeling the buzz of getting back to me today.  I am feeling the buzz of embracing everything life has to offer. 

W

I fell back in love with love

Yesterday was a high point in my week.  Today was different in so many ways.  I went my usual walk in the morning but the sky was grey, rain drizzled during the entire walk.  My feet got drenched from walking through the long grass, ferns and gorse bushes and by the time I was on the walk home they made a funny squelchy, slappy sound with every step.  My jeans were completely stuck to my legs from the knees downwards, my jacket and tops plastered to my body as the relentless rain fell.  It was nonetheless a beautiful atmospheric walk.  I love the greys in the sky, the haze in the distance letting you know there is no break in the weather. 

I felt the rain on my face as I looked up  to the sky just revelling in the wetness, the refreshing saturation of nature.  How could I not be happy when my companion Zeke was bounding around me with careless abandon.  Tongue lolling, ears flapping, tail wagging with energy galore.  I feel like my soul is bound up with my wee dog.  He rescued me, he carries me through every day, he is my company at night. As I type this he is sitting next to me with his head firmly planted on my knee, he follows me around the house and is ever present at my side.  I really don’t know what I would do without him. 

I am now sitting watching movies with my kids, stealing a few minutes to post this.  My day has been lazy, lonely, long and stressful.  I am switched off tonight but have been compiling all my writing together so I can sort it into some kind of order.  I have been needing to do this for aeons.  Got to get to work.

W

 

What can i say?

I have found a new obsession.  I dive headlong into projects, trying to capture a feeling on the page.  Turns out its addictive.  I have replaced my sweet tooth with trying to concoct sustenance for my soul in a poem.  The simple pleasure involved in creation takes my mind away from the prison of my mundane life.  If my day is boring, stressful or uninteresting I just try to turn around my mood by reading or writing poetry. 

The weather has trapped everyone

indoors today. 

Rain is pouring from the sky,

quenching the drought as

limp flowers form cups

to capture the dew of life.

Just one day into autumn

and already the shift

means weather is #trending

with people on gadgets

with nothing else to do but

watch and grumble.

 

W

Do you know where your going to?

I am really looking forward to tomorrow.  My beautiful babies go back to school and I am desperate to get out on a huge solitary walk with my dog.  I need time to switch off from everything.  I need to put this town behind me and spread my wings for a little while.  I am looking forward to walking the dog, taking in the scenery, breathing the fresh air, smelling the flowers and breathing out the tension of my day.  I don’t want to see anyone, speak to anyone or hear anyone.  If you see me I will be the mad woman with the black Labrador, singing and dancing my way round the hills.  I have my ipod charging, my kids are all ready to get back to school and I have a full six hours to just get lost. 

The weather does not bother me.  Personally I am hoping for chilly but dry with a nice strong wind.  The wind clears out my head.  The wind whips my hair up into the air and helps me to concentrate on absolutely nothing at all.  I totally love it.  I have had a great summer holiday with my kids, we spent loads of time together, we did loads of amazing things together but boy am I so ready for a day all to myself. 

I can feel the excitement already.  My kids are actually happy to be going back.  They are ready to see their friends, get used to their new teachers, get back into the school routine.  I am overjoyed at the time we have spent, I am so grateful that we have had such a good summer of sun, walking, talking, reconnecting with each other and relaxing in each others company.  Tomorrow is a new beginning for us all and I am hopeful that we will all enjoy the coming months. 

After my first walk is over I am going to be getting down to work.  There is talk of redundancies at work again and I will not be caught resting on my laurels.  My plans are slowly taking shape and I have a lot of people rooting for me so I do not want to waste a second longer.  The house decorating is back underway, thanks to my friend and as well as taking care of the house I will be taking care of me.  First things first is cranking up my walking schedule.  I may even recruit my kids into joining me now and again. 

I have set myself a few goals – personal and professional and now that everything is written down, cleared out and in its place I can devote more time to achieving some things that I put on the backburner for far too long.  I am finally accepting that the only thing stopping me from getting anywhere – was me.  I am finally accepting that I am procrastinating because of fear and I wont let that hold me back anymore.  I am so ready to get to work I think I may actually burst.

Onwards and upwards.

W