Let me love you (until you learn to love yourself)

Fridays are usually just another day for me.  I had plans for tonight that I had been looking forward to but once my wee dog got ill I had to change those plans.  Dog vet bills are seriously painful but worth it.  My pooch is feeling a little like his old self today which is a welcome relief to me.  I was devastated watching him retreat into his wee self.  I realised though that I am still mired down by my responsibilities.  Still bloody procrastinating about life.

Today is a day of revelations – time to put aside all my dithering about, time to get seriously busy with my writing.  I will post here as often as I can but I have book plans, eating away at my soul.  I have almost got the whole book plan sorted from start to finish but I just need to take the plunge and get writing.  I am not going to use any more excuses and kick myself up the arse.

I have also been getting side-tracked in my walking purposes.  I have been hanging around waiting on other people to get their feet in gear, waiting around for something to change, waiting around for permission to get on with my life.  Today I am giving myself permission to get on with it.  Even my kids have been on my back asking me when I am going to get it started.  I am ready, have been ready for a while just been letting those old insecurities get on top of me.  I need to be constantly vigilant over my own emotions, feelings and stresses as I keep falling back into old patterns. 

I am  feeling the loss of my big dog walks yesterday and today.  I did not want to drag Zeke out to those lengths when he wasn’t feeling at his best but I have surely missed them.  My future is inextricably linked to those walks, the exercise, the wind, the freshness as they keep me thinking – they make me feel alive.  I feel like my life has purpose.

I know as the mother of five and the grandmother of three that my life does have some purpose but at 41 I do not think that being a parent defines who I am.  I am desperate to achieve some personal goals in my life.  My first goal is finishing my first manuscript.  I am determined that if I do nothing else productive with the time I have left I will get one of my books fully written and ready for the world. 

I have been enjoying the release of poetry and it has gotten me through a few difficult situations but it is really just a hobby at this moment in time.  I want to indulge every creative aspect of myself so I will return to  poetry whenever I can.  Feeling the buzz of getting back to me today.  I am feeling the buzz of embracing everything life has to offer. 



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