Its a Family Affair

I spent the day surrounded by my children.  All five of them and my two grandchildren as well.  I have had a day that recharges the soul, mind and body.  Apart from the extra cooking, cleaning and running after everyone I had a fabulous day.  I even had a visit from my nephew.  Apart from the occasional blip they all got along fine.  It all started off badly with the usual rigmarole of getting two young kids to school.

Morgan’s little face lights up when she sees her two older sisters and she managed to get conversations out of the both of them.  I found a school assignment that Morgan haad written at the beginning of the year and it astounds me that my eight year old daughter has such an amazing vocabulary and brilliant grasp of the English language.  That girl is truly a wonder to me.

I have been using a website called blipfoto to catalogue my days.  It is quite inspirational trying to find one photograph that defines your day.  I am still just a novice but I am enjoying the challenge.  I also have a two day course for work that starts tomorrow.  I am not feeling overly positive about it. I don’t think it will benefit me too much but I will give it a go. Two extra days this week at work and I am working on saturday too. I feel tired just thinking about it.

Saturdays are not too bad because I work with my bestie D.  The one woman who knows my secrets and doesn’t judge me for my failings and keeps me grounded.  I just hope I manage to do the same for her.

Loneliness has been getting the better of me lately but tody was a tonic.  Anyday spent in the company of my wonderful family raises my spirits and re-charges my batteries.  I have been running low recently but hopefully that bad patch is finished.  I had also been hoping to get walking a lot more this wek but alas that has not happened so far.  I will just have to cram it all into next week.  I am definitely not going to let any energy stealers capture my mojo again.

W

Tuesday turmoil

I had huge plans for today starting with dropping my kids off at school on time and walking my dog up to the bench I have been visiting lately.  Instead my little boy got ready -no problems, sat waiting on his sister getting out of bed (she is a nightmare to wake up).  We all left the house late because Morgan decided nothing was going to hurry her this morning.

As soon as we walked out the door Morgan turned into her lovely self and talked all the way to school whilst her wee brother decided he had waited long anough and now it was his turn to make us even later.  Both kids walked through the school door a good five minutes late.  I went  to meet my friend and her dogs and we walked to my house so I could pick up Zeke.  We had planned to go up to the bench I had told her about (my thinking bench) but she backed out as the hill was too steep for her, one of her dogs was too old and she just couldn’t be arsed.  I walked her almost all the way home then went home myself.

The walk had been designed to give me inspiration and some me time.  Instead my friend totally dominated the conversation about things of no consequence (mostly her work hours), we ended the walk when I was just getting into my stride and I felt like I had wasted an hour of my life.  I wish I had just walked on my own and spent an hour exploring the area surrounding the bench.  I feel calm, clear headed and meditational when I walk up there – instead I came home dejected, bored and feeling robbed of my days intention.

I absolutely hate it when people suck the life out of you.  I know someone else who can’t think or talk about anyone else but themselves and it really grates on my nerves.  It is not hard to just say ‘whats up with you?’ between breaths.  I feel like I am becoming more insular by the minute.  I am starting to feel like I should just stick to reading books because real people are usually a disappointment.  I have a few invitations to nights out coming up soon – two in october and one in december so far  but I am reluctant to go to any of them. I hate getting dressed up, I just don’t feel like myself.  I hate the expense just at a time when I am having to cope with three birthdays and christmas.  What makes it worse is that people do not seem to understand when you tell them that you can’t make it.  They start piling on the guilt and the urgency that they attach to these events whilst I struggle with trying to find a babysitter an outfit and money for the night out.

I think I want a divorce from christmas responsibility, social niceties and out of order urgings by folk who have no financial worries or constraints.  I would like to say right now – leave me alone.

W

 

Sunday Dilemmas

I was supposed to be going for two interviews tomorrow.  These were in the same field of work I am in now but yet again I have been channelling all my energies in a career that I am no longer enamoured with.  I have been struggling for a long time with the stresses and strains of trying to get ahead in a career that I have been qualified in for over twelve years but have as of yet gotten nowhere.  I made the decision yesterday to stop this nonsense.

This choice has been a long time coming.  I felt unbelievably lighter as I accepted my decision.  I have also not had a headache or been grinding my teeth since I did that.  I know it is early days but I am quite happy that I have taken away the self imposed pressure I was placing myself under.  I am giving myself a break.  I think after twelve years of getting nowhere I need to take the pressure off and take some time to take stock of where I am.

I have also decided that my health, my kids happiness, my general mental wellbeing and my home need me to take the edge off.  I have felt huge amounts of pressure as the single parent of five kids to show them that not only can I look after them and go to work but that I have to be superhuman whilst at work.  Whilst I have been pursuing this career I had forgotten how to be just me.  I had forgotten how to relax, how to enjoy life and how to be happy with myself.

As of today all of this has stopped.  I am officially looking for something more productive to do with my time.  I read articles all the time about people enjoying their jobs and how it doesnt seem like work if they are doing what they love.  I love writing.  I love reading a great article, a fantastic book, a beautiful poem and I know I can write.  I have been trying to fight this compulsion for so long but now it feels as if I am denying part of myself if I keep pursuing another line of work.  So for now I will be keeping up my part time job (purely to pay the bills) and giving myself the freedom to truly enjoy being me.  I have written some plans down for a couple of things that will be discussed in more detail in the future but for now I will be keeping everything close to my chest as I prepare for the biggest adventure of my life.  I feel inspired, rejuvenated and liberated.  Long may it last.

W

 

Cheese on toast mmm

I have been feeling weird today.  First half was spent thinking it was not even worth getting out of bed.  I just wanted to lounge around all day.  My kids had other ideas though.  The good thing today is that Morgan has made a new friend and she looked over the moon bonus= her new friend just lives down the road.  I was shocked when I went past the park at the end of the road and Morgans friend was flying down the hill on Morgan’s bike at huge speeds and Somhairle let me know that Morgan has also been doing these feats of bravery.  Part of me cringed at the audacity of my daughter to take such careless risks with her wee self but part of me was well impressed that she was brave enough to do something so dangerous. I do not want to be responsible for taking away her bravery.

I then went up the town with just my boys and had great conversation with both of them.  My littlest boy was fantastic cos he tells me he loves me about four times a day and it totally melts my heart.  He has the sweetest wee voice, the bluest eyes and the loveliest bug hugs ever.

I spent some time with my nephew at the pub tonight. He looks just like my dad and my oldest son is starting to look just like him.  It is funny to see how resemblances pass through the ages.  I am so chuffed my son is starting to resemble my family now.  He is growing into a smashing handsome young man, he is funny, intelligent and just all round fantastic.  I am so lucky to have my beautiful boys.

I have also been receiving daily inspiration that is telling me I need to change the path I am on.  The wind has been throwing hints at me all week.  I need to be free to think what I want, write what I want and be able to follow my dream.  If I don’t do it now I will always regret what could have been.  I think my mum and dad would both be very very very proud of me today.  I think they would have been screaming at me from wherever they are to get my head screwed on and keep chasing what I really want out of life.

So tomorrow is the first day of the rest of my life.  I will write down a programme of writing. I will spend at least a couple of hours a day doing it.  I will keep allowing myself this chance to follow what I truly believe is the path I am meant to be on.  I have never felt so enthused about anything.  I feel that I have listened to my heart and my head for the first time in years.

Please everyone give me a row if my blog tomorrow does not mention me writing at least one thing. I need the support.

W

There’s a storm a brewing

I have been avidly following the weather all week.  I have been fascinated with the wind for some reason.  I was out walking today and the wind was nonexistant but then in surprising little gusts it would appear and blow my hair upwards.  It was a lovely sunny day interspersed with tiny little rain showers but the wind was just fantastic.  Whilst on my walk I sat on a bench and watched the world go by or I would sit and close my eyes and just revel in the sensation of the wind blowing all my hair around.  It was refreshing but as I said in an earlier blog it gave me the sense that there is something about to happen.  This wind is bringing changes with it and I for one am quite keen to see what they are.

I have also started some research into the local area.  I have plans for a novel based here but I need to get to grips with my setting first.  The wind today also became very inspirational as I could see my characters alive in that setting with the wind swirling around them.  It felt very Catherine Cookson-esque.  My novel is nothing like Catherine Cookson would write though.   I have been feeling for the first time like I have expectations of myself that I am not afraid to back away from.  I am working towards this book.  I have loads of images, characters, feelings and thoughts that I have yet to put down onto the page but they are swirling and forming as I write here.

My daughter and her daughter have not been feeling good for the last couple of days and I have been enjoying having them close by.  I dont get to see my kids nearly enough and it was a treat to see them both.  My other daughter and her son are aso ill but it has been more difficult getting to spend time with them.

Whilst on that hill today I had an epiphany about a relationship problem I had been having.  I have been desperately sad for a little while now but I think this wind has cleared out a little of the pain.  I felt cleansed after just sitting still with the wind and allowing it to clear my cluttered thoughts.  I think I have definitely found my new thinking place.  I need to update my wardrobe so I can go there in any weather and just chill.  If I could I would go there everyday and just look and think.  What a breathtaking blissful addition to everyday that walk would be.

W

 

Life as we know it

I have had a busy day – kids at school, had breakfast (whilst reading a book) and then went to work where I was kept busy.  It made a nice change actually having something productive to do there.  I enjoyed the start to my day.  I got a visit at work too from my daughter and her wee boy.  He is growing up so fast but is just the cutest wee boy ever.

I made a plea for some self esteem tips yesterday and as usual my cousin has rose to the challenge and has sent me a fantastic exercise to do. The only thing I need to do now is find a couple of people to answer some of the questions but it has to be people I trust.  I think I can count on two fingers the people I can trust at the moment.  I think it will be a great help to carry out the exercise.  It is all about personal growth and self realisation and I am up for a bit of that.

So today I am feeling a little more positive about the future.  I am spending a lot of time with my own thoughts.  I am assessing the way my life is going. I am performing a lot of exercises to get my creative side working and also to examine my personality all in an attempt to find out where my future should go.  You cannot know where you are going if you do not understand where you have been.  I think I am just desperate not to make the same mistakes in the future.

I was over the moon that I found the keys that had been eluding me this week.  They were in the most obvious place too.  I felt pretty embarrassed when I found them.  I think my head is filled with too much information, useless facts and worries.  I looked in all the difficult places before checking the probable places.  I have some personal things hanging on that keyring and I did not want to lose them.

Tomorrow I am supposed to be starting two new classes – yet again I think I am using aversion tactics to not have to do what my heart and my head is telling me.  I go to a lot of bother to ignore my intuition just because I am terrified to fail.  I have  been chasing a dream that is not really mine all in an effort to make my life mean something, but ignoring the side of me that wants to be creative means I am ignoring part of what makes me who I am.  It is confusing I know but I am working my way through it all.

I will let you all know how my classes go.

W

 

What can I say

Well – what can I say indeed.  I did not start the decorating, I did not start the painting, I did not start the writing but I did turn my house upside down looking for those damn keys.  All to no avail.  I know the minute I finish getting new keys and locks sorted that I will find these keys.  I just know they are going to turn up again probably when I least expect it.

I have some good news today but I will keep it to myself until next week.  I do not want to jinx the vibe. trying to be positive when everyone around me is overdosing on the negative.  I seriously need to bolster my self esteem this week though.  If anyone has any suggestions for quick self esteem lifters please let me know.  I could really do with immediate help.

I have cleared some actual space in my bedroom and this in turn cleared out some mental space in my head.  Space that is incredibly important right now.  I would love to clear a little more space.  Some days I can visualise the end result of my decorating endeavours but I still have a long way to go.  I have been keeping a collage journal.  This is made up of articles, words, pictures and any old things that take my fancy.  These are all being kept and rearranged into some order and can be used for inspiration or just for making some general statements on how I am feeling.

I know it is not much but spending even a little time every day with the thoughts in my head is allowing me to breathe a little easier, I am sleeping better, I am coping better with everything just because of this insular activity where I put something down on paper.  I have felt guilty for so many years for taking any time for myself but it is only now that I am letting myself off the hook a little.  My younger kids are in bed early for school and this frees up a lot of me time.  Especially when I am not frantically looking for lost keys.

I picked up a new book to read from my work and it is the first time in ages I got excited about one.  I will let you know tomorrow if it grips my imagination in the first few pages.  I am off to bed now because my weary brain needs the rest.

W

 

Mixed up Monday

School was off today for my two youngest babies and I was supposed to still take them to their minder but after trying in vain to wake my little girl up she said that she really wanted to stay at home with me.  I relented and said it was okay but within the half hour she was up, dressed, fed and out on her bike. I have seen her hardly at all today.  My youngest boy sat watching telly and playing computer games interspersed with coming over and giving me loads of hugs.  It was a marvelous way to spend the day.

Tonight I have been cleaning up in an attempt to find a set of lost keys.  I have been searching everywhere for them.  I cannot believe they have just vanished into thin air.  It may just be a ploy by the universe to make me clean up my act.  I may have to go and check through my wheelie bin tomorrow – oh what joy.

My daily routine of over-thinking everything was chugging along nicely as I did absolutely nothing with my day.  I have started sorting through some important tools for my writing tonight but until I have somewhere inspirational to write then I will not be in the focused and determined position I need to be in to get my first novel off the ground.  I hate being in this limbo land.  The interruptions caused by my work has become quite a distraction, for instance my three hours at work tomorrow occur right in the middle of the day so it interrupts everything.

I am moving slowly forward but the pace is slowing down. I have so many other things shouting for my attention – I still have four walls to scrape, I have paper for three rooms ready to get put up, I have to start saving for christmas and I have lots of woodwork to paint.  I also have three birthdays coming up all before christmas.  What a pickle I am in.  I know I should start somewhere small and build my way up to doing everything else but knowing where is the best place to start is even causing some grief.  Even thinking about it all is tiring me out.

I had planned for an extra early night like I had last night but things seem to have gotten away from me again.  As usual I will be sorting some last-minute things before I go to my bed.  For once I have all the uniforms etc ready to go in the morning.  I just have myself to sort out.  It is my own head that I really need to get in gear – I have tools to do almost everything I have lined up to do but there is always something gets in the way or I feel tired or I just cant summon up the will power to get any decorating done.

Tomorrow the plan is to get up and get busy with my day.  I dont want to be still explaining why things have not started happening yet in my blog tomorrow too.  If I repeat the same old procrastination bullshit tomorrow please everyone feel free to give me a row or kick me up the arse cos I seriously need it.

W

Same old Sunday

I lay in bed for far too long this morning – going over the events of the last 24 hours.  I tend to overthink most things.  I have a brain that refuses to switch off.  I just lay with an album playing in the background.  I seem to be unable to go through any day without some sort of soundtrack.  I love nothing better than spending some time with my own thoughts.  I seem to be spending huge amounts of time thinking over everything.  One of these days I will get around to living my life instead of just thinking about living it.

I popped out for a little while to visit my sister and her husband.  It was just a flying visit so it was not too great.  I could do with a proper old catch up with her.  We got no peace from my kids trying to demand all our attention so I did not stay too long.  I could do with some girly chat some time soon.  We came down the road and had what was supposed to be a movie marathon.  We had dinner and a little chat but as always when we have a little family time it starts to go pear shaped because the two smallest kids just cant help but fight each other. Even planned family days when treats are the order of the day go bizarrely wrong as they refuse to get along with each other.

I have some me time tomorrow and I have not decided whether to spend it stripping walls again or painting woodwork.  There is far too much work for just little old me to be doing so I will have to get cracking.  I also have a lot of research to get through for a story I have planned but there always seems to be something that needs my attention.  Yet again I am still procrastinating.  I will still be using the same excuses when I am about to turn 50.

My plans for tomorrow should be 1) finish stripping the living room. 2) paint window sills in kitchen 3) sort out a few things in garden.  The likeliest outcome for tomorrow will be 1) get Somhairle up for school 2) go back to bed 3) get other kids up and take them to childminder 4) go back to bed.  I seem to be very lethargic these days what with the extra walking effort, the kids draining all my energy and my inability to look after myself properly.  A day in bed may help. Maybe a very early night is exactly what I need though.  Try and wake up feeling well rested and ready for the day.  Heres hoping.

W

 

Strange wind

I have been out walking today, I spent almost four hours out walking – most of it uphill and this evening the effort has now left me absolutely knackered.  I have not had two minutes peace since I came back and now I have a splitting sore head.  I may be dehydrated or maybe my body is rebelling over this mad walk when I have had no excercise over the last few months.  I enjoyed the walk, the view and the fresh air and the strange wind from yesterday was around swooshing through the trees and creating a fantastically atmospheric feel to the area.

The rain threatened to upset the walk but even that stayed to a minimum and I managed to have a mostly clear day.  I took a few photographs of the surrounding scenery and have a nice memento from the day.  All this exertion is part of my plan for a story though.  I am compiling a file of photographs and information at the moment. Just some basic research on which to build my story.

On a completely different path I was verbally abused today and it made me laugh.  I marvel at the inability of some people to act like the adults they are supposed to be.  This abusive comment was meant to hurt me but it just proved how unbelievably petty, immature and devoid of intelligence some people are.  I laughed hard.  It made me think I was in primary five again – it was that juvenile.  It was said with a venimous intent and I was more tickled with the absurdity of it all that the intention of hurting me failed.

On trying to put my day into words it has been productive, stressful and illuminating.  The walk gave me loads of inspiration – I think that I am finally starting to cement my plans for the future (if a little slowly). I also positively loved the exercise, the fresh air, the atmosphere and the challenge.  It also reminded me that I need to breathe (sometimes I forget – especially when concentrating).  I am compiling a file of articles, inspiration and writing is clearly and firmly on my mind on a daily basis now.  The abuse whilst causing immediate hilarity is getting popped into the notebook because every experience (bad or good) is worthwhile, can be used in a more positive light and only serves as a tool to spur me on to bigger and better things.

My kids as ever are a joy to me even when they fray my nerves and test me to the max.  My little boy keeps giving me wonderful bug hugs on a daily basis.  Even on days when he tries to be in a bad mood.  Morgan – my beautiful, intelligent behaviourally challenging girl is just a wonder to me, she surprises me every day.  My Somhairle at 13 is older than his years but is just a wonderful human being.  My older daughters are both spectacular mothers and individuals in their own right.  All my kids have fantastic personalities and manage to rise above adversity and I am hugely proud to have raised five incredible young people.

That is enough gushing from me.  I need to keep things positive, keep going forward, strive for excellence in everything I want to do.  I am a lucky woman.  I am giving myself a pat on the back today – because no-one else will but mostly because I actually deserve it.

W