If you’re looking for a way out

I had a funny old day.  The kids were playing up on the way to school but have been little darlings since they got back out.  I have had an easy lazy day.  After dropping the kids off I went for my walk with the dog but did not venture too far.  I walked to my nemesis – the hill that kills me but after starting to walk up it I thought ‘I really don’t want to be going this way today’ so I stopped and took Zeke for a less tiring but more sensory pleasing walk.  I let him off the leash for quite a while and he was lolloping around like he was having the time of his life.  He kept running back towards me and seemed ecstatic every time I told him he was a good boy. 

I got home and decided I wanted to lay down for a little while but three hours later I woke up on my bed.  I don’t usually have a nap during the day but for some reason this morning just left me needing comfort.  I wanted to snuggle up on my bed as it was the most comforting thing I could think of.  I shut the curtain, lay down and just dozed off.  Sometimes in the past I have had days like this and woke up feeling like I have wasted a day.  Today however I just thought that was how the day was meant to be spent.  Maybe that was why the kids were better behaved after school because I was much better rested and able to cope with their mini dramas.

Tonight was spent curled up watching movies with my kids.  My nine year old daughter kept cuddling up to me and holding on to my arm with her little warm hands.  It reminded me of when she was a baby, when she would only settle if she could have a hand on a bit of skin.  Maybe she sensed I needed it.  My baby boy who is six, after his bath kept coming up for a cuddle and he smelled wonderful. I just wanted to hold on to him for ages.  It reminded me of his baby smell.  God I miss baby smell. 

I have decided that I must have been giving off vibes that I needed some looking after.  That and both of my youngest babies have been feeling a little poorly this week so we were all looking after each other.  We have been researching pets all week because my daughter would really like something small and furry to look after.  We have been looking up facts about hamsters, degu’s and other small animals and that is how I have felt today like a mother surrounded by her cubs or babies, and it just felt right to come home from school, get into pyjamas and lounge around.  Much needed down time – just me and my three youngest babies and zeke. 

I have still been procrastinating quite a bit lately but I think I needed today.  I have had a lonely week and immersing myself in family tonight and resting today helped me get everything back into perspective.  Spending the weekend having much needed fun with my babies and my granddaughter is coming to stay.  The hard thing will be remembering not to forget to do some things just for me.  I feel like it has been so long since I had a night out, a good natter with friends, a laugh, let my hair down.  What I would really like is to go out and dance.  Dancing always cheers me up. I forget myself when I dance but it gets rid of tension, I feel like I am holding a lot of tension all day – every day.

W

 

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Just Breathe

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Once I got the kids to school I disappeared to the hills for almost four hours.  I cant remember what I thought about on my way round because I think it was empty of every worry, every stress and I felt light as a feather on my walk.  The process of walking is helping me to combat my stress in the most fantastic way.  I need to give thanks to my dog Zeke who keeps me company and supports me on this journey to get physically fitter and to improve my mental well being.

Once I got to the top of the hill today I took a few photographs of the scenery, I did some deep breathing exercises, then I let Zeke off the leash and watched as he ran carefree all over the hilltop.  I stood with a big smile on my face watching my daft dog hang loose. I would call him back every now and again just to see his face as he ran towards me with his tongue bouncing about and his ears blowing backwards in the wind and I just thought to myself I want to do that.  The seclusion of the walk, the wind blowing in my face, the fresh air and the calmness makes me want to do something wild – because I know no-one is watching.  I feel like screaming or singing at the top of my voice (visions of Julie Andrews walking across the alps do not conjure up the appropriate image of me on that hill). 

I don’t remember the last time I felt so carefree (apart from my walks) and happy and fit.  I still have a very long way to get to the level of fitness that I want but just being in the process makes me a million times happier than I have been in ages.  I think I may be rewiring my brain and I like it.  I don’t have any idea why I let life get on top of me so much before but now I have strategies to kick my own ass and life is getting better day by day.  I get crabby on days when I cant get out for my solitary walks. 

I have been mostly in my own head today – I don’t know if this is a good thing.  I think for my writing it is a very good thing but I have suspicions that my kids would like me to be more present in a hands on way.  I will make a conscious effort over the weekend to be better.  We are going out on Saturday and Sunday and I have plans to give my kids all of my attention.  I think after the summer holidays where I spent an awful lot of time with them on adventures outdoors – I felt a little tired and switched off.  My kids have been a little cranky and difficult since they went back to school and I was spending time in my own head to get me through the awkward process of the school run.

There is still one more day till the weekend starts.  I had hoped to be doing something fun tomorrow but my plans fell through.  I will go my four hour walk instead.  I think I am becoming addicted to the freedom of the walking.  Plans do not always work out for me.  I am better off living in a constant state of flux.  It is never a bad thing to be ready for anything.

Night all

W

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

It’s my life

I don’t want to get repetitive but this evening was spent out walking with my sister, my daughter and her friend.  The route we took was different from the one we had planned.  It was a local walk not too far from my house but the place we went was quite a significant one.  I had not even thought about it beforehand but once I got on the path it threw up a few surprise memories.

The place we went passed through certain areas that I used to hang out in as a teenager.  It was an area where a lot of misfits congregated together.  None of us were too sporty or popular.  We just talked about music mostly.  Just around the corner from that memory was an embarrassing thought about losing my virginity.  This was not a romantic image in my head but it came back as clear as day.  It made me cringe but then I laughed at the absurdity of it all.  I did enjoy the reminder that I was young once, I got up to stupid things and that I was not always bogged down in responsibility.

My mind was in overdrive and several memories came at me all at once.  I remembered teenage romances I had, differences of opinions with female friends but it also brought to light patterns that have always been in my life.  Even things that I have discussed in my blog were happening as far back as  my teens so this walk opened my eyes to a lot of things.

There was one problem with all this – whilst I was out on the walk I had not taken any writing material with me and I could not even make notes about the thoughts I had, could not capture the memories that had been thrust upon me.   I am sitting here trying to piece together my history.  It was as if I had walked through a portal into the past.  I was flooded with feelings, actions, insecurities and smiled at the idea of my teenage years.

Today I also wrote two poems and since hearing and reading the work of Anis Mojgani it has given me a whole new perspective on writing poetry.  I have been turning thoughts into words and have been looking forward to see what they turn into.  I have decided that it is a field I would like to explore more.  Poetry is like my new indulgence.  I love that I can create something in a few hours that reflects a mood or a thought.  Poetry has become my new therapy and I am revelling in the positivity it has brought into my life.  I feel like I am stealing my life back a line at a time.

W

Give me just a little more time

The last few days I have taken a little rest from blogging because I have been trying to spend a few days with my kids, getting them out in the fresh air for some exercise.  This was great fun apart from the fact my body was rebelling against me.  I have spent the last 24 hours recuperating after a particularly heavy walking session.  My kids acted as if it was just a little stroll while I felt like I had walked to the Himalayas and back.  Will there be a point when this walking palaver gets easier? Will the day come when I don’t get blisters on my blisters?

I have been seeing a few signs lately.  Just things I have noticed in everyday life that are showing me that my life should be taking a diferent path.  I have spent countless hours examining what I am doing with my life, where am I heading, what should be my next move? Probably the same thoughts and feelings everyone has – especially those who are a bit disillusioned with life so far. 

I have been on a self discovery expedition.  After decades of seeing to the needs of several people I have been contemplating what I need.  I have been looking at myself, I have been dissecting my thoughts and feelings in order to make some sense of this crazy life of mine.  I have come to the conclusion that because I was never taught how to put myself first as a child that I seriously did not have the courage to actually feel like I was important. 

I always had dreams but never would I have thought I could achieve any of them.  They were just thoughts that spurred me onto getting out of bed everyday but life grinds you down and you learn to put aside thoughts of yourself.  Or at least I did.  This also probably explains why I have had problems with relationships over the years.  It is hard to be vulnerable and let people in when you have had it ingrained in every ounce of your self that the feelings of others is more important than your own.  I have cultivated a thick skin that not many people get to see behind.  I shoved all those feelings down for so many years that when they could not be contained any longer it felt as if I was swamped by them.  

I have been learning to peel away that hard skin a layer at a time.  I take little steps on a daily basis to let people I care about in.  Its still a new concept but am hopeful that it is worth the effort.  I wake up every day with a clear head, with an open heart and with hope.  Sometimes I think that hope has been the only thing holding me together.  I hope to be eternally hopeful.  Having hope makes life worth waking up to. 

All my life I have been surrounded by music and I think that many times music has saved my life.  When every day seems bleak and worries seem to be getting the better of me – I find music carries me through.  Just now it is the music of the Civil Wars.  The lyrics, the melodies, the songs just keep me calm, keep me grounded.  How bad can life get if I always have a song in my head and some hope in my heart. 

Lately I have been indulging my love of poetry.  I see them as songs without music or songs that accompany the sounds of real life.  I like to read a poem and live with it for a while.  Poetry does not always jump out at you in an obvious way – sometimes you have to dig a little deeper within yourself.  I like to read a poem a couple of times and just let it sit there in my mind.  A poem a day is like a daily meditation. 

I have also reignited my passion for writing poetry.  I do not know if anyone else would appreciate my poems but the clarity that comes from concentrating on what I want to say is like a purging of my soul.  Sometimes my poems are really painful to write, sometimes they are the result of a beautiful view or a lovely experience but for me I get a lot of therapy from writing a poem.  I am finding that writing poetry helps me deal with my emotions in a non-harmful way.  I can vent my feelings in a poem that I wouldn’t want to let go in any other way. 

I wish that I would permit myself to do it more often.  I am still fighting a daily battle to win some time for me.  The only person I am fighting though is myself.  For the first time in a long time I feel like I am finally making progress. 

Here’s to hope.

W

 

 

walking back to happiness.

My kids are all sound asleep, the house is silent and I am ready for slipping off to sleep myself.  I may have overdone the health kick a little tonight.  After I took my kids to school today I went for a quick march round the local pathways for an hour before my work.  Put in a full shift at work today – I kept busy and did lots of heavy lifting – carrying lots of books upstairs.  I decided that I need to get my family to be more active.  So after dinner we all went a really long walk, mostly uphill. 

My youngest daughter went on her bike and we brought her friend who was also on her bike. The weather was warm and clear but as we left it pretty late to start the walk by the time we were on the return journey it was dark. We are all back home now though and within half an hour of walking in the door all my kids are sound asleep.  I think this is a sign of the power of walking.  We have all had a lovely exercise session that cost nothing, the kids got to see lots of local scenery, we had an adventure and had the best time.  My kids have brilliant imaginations and these sort of walks bring out their inventive side.  They all came home thoroughly exhausted but happy.  What a brilliant end to my day, I may be unable to walk tomorrow but it was worth it. 

I have had one of those days where you just want to keep yourself busy, not get involved in any drama.  I spent a lot of time getting busy, tidying the books, sorting out one thing or another because I just want a day where I did not have to think.  I felt better for it and it made work go by really quickly.  I hope tomorrow goes the same way.  This explains why the walk was much needed tonight.  There has been a lot of hassle around here  lately and I wanted to remove my kids and me from the situation. 

I am suffering tonight, my body is not as young as it used to be. I can feel blisters on top of blisters.  My feet have never had to put up with such punishment, with all this walking I should see some real health benefits soon.  But for tonight I need to find something to alleviate the pain in my tootsies.  I should be catching some zzzzzzzz’s whilst my lovely kids sleep too.

Night all.

W

A Dictionary Without Words

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I wonder if

people know

just how important

words are to a writer.

I wonder if people realize

the importance of a writer

giving out her words.

To a writer,

words are her heart,

her soul,

the very center of

her being.

Would people be so

careless

if they knew that

a writer’s words

mean more than the average

person.

I write him words,

pages,

notebooks,

blog posts,

letters,

messages,

status updates,

all for him.

Does he know that

my words are

everything and that

I value my words

over myself?

Does he realize he

holds all of

me on those creased

sheets that he

hides

in his closet,

in an old shoebox?

Does he understand

that every letter,

every syllable

that I scribe

and erase

and rewrite

are the only way I

know how to love?

The only way I know

how to show him

my heart?

***************************

written…

View original post 484 more words

Running up that hill.

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Whenever I walk my dog, I like to walk up this hill.  This hill is quite steep (you might miss how steep because it is not the best photograph) but the first time I walked up her I had to use my inhaler twice.  Once at the bottom and once half way up.  The trick is to keep breathing all the way up.  If I have a conversation with someone or try to talk as I walk when I attempt this hill I always got out of breath.

Now I have been walking up this hill quite a few times and I have stopped panting and puffing all the way up it.  Occasionally when my allergies are bad I feel a little rough at the top but now I feel much healthier as I walk.  I feel a sense of achievement every time I get to the top.  I feel like I am on my way back to fitness every time I drag my self up this hill.  It has become my nemesis. 

I want to eventually be able to run up this hill, if my knees will allow it.  I do not have a perfect weight that I want to get to.  I do not have any idea of how slim I want to be or to be super fit.  I just want to know that I have conquered this particular hill.  It is my health goal to be able to work up to running to the top of the hill.  I went up there with my kids recently and my youngest son – who had declared he hated walking – darted to the top in no time at all. He did not even break a sweat. 

My daughter walked at a steady pace but kept waiting for me to catch up.  I was a wee bit shocked at just how slow I was walking but watching my kids treat this hill as if it was nothing has spurred me on to getting fitter.  Today, when I got to the top I marvelled at how intimidating it seems from the bottom but how well you are rewarded at the top because once you get out of the trees I get the most beautiful panoramic view of the world. 

At the top of this hill I can see the town where I live in the distance – it symbolically frees me on a daily basis.  At the top of the hill – I feel like my stress has just disappeared.  I have shared this walk a few times but I actually think this hill belongs to me.  The act of walking up this hill on my own as often as possible is like a little triumph every time.  I want to run up to the top with The Eye of the Tiger blaring in my ears and celebrate wildly each time I reach the top. 

Some days when I think no one is around – and no one is going to interrupt me I actually do cheer for myself.  It is when I reach the top of the hill that I feel significantly removed from all other human beings that I can relax and sing along to my music, occasionally I have been known to cut a few shapes up there too. 

I hop e every one finds there own little place in the world where they feel like I do on my hill.

W