Life and Loss

I just heard today the the son of a family aquaintance died yesterday.  Apart from the shock of the news I was horrified when I found out what happened.  As it is my son’s birthday today I can’t help but feel the pain of the boys mother.  I could not even remotely guess at the strength of her pain or the depth of her loss but as a parent I know if this happened to me I would crumble under such devastation.

December is only a few days away and this is no time to be burying a child, grieving for the loss of a life (even worse when he was so young).  This time of year is for being together, being a family even when relationships are frayed.  It is for coming together and forgetting the fallouts of the past. 

My father died on the 30th December and I thought that I would never recover from the pain of losing him.  We all made an effort over the next few years of spening time together – remembering his hugs, his laugh and his bad moods or scary hair in the morning.  Now the pain still resurfaces year after year.  I have learned to cope better but the day always sneaks up on me and takes my breath away. 

This year I am going to hold each of my kids a little tighter, tell them I love them so much that they get tired of hearing it and spend every moment I can letting them know how much they mean to me. I will try hard not to get mad with them because I am unbelievably lucky to have the children I have.  I have ‘the greatest’ family as my dad would have said. 

I know there are loads of families suffering a loss at the moment or watching someone close to them lose the fight for life and I will say a little prayer that their pain heals to a manageable state or that their fight is not prolongued so that they can remember the happy times with their loved one. 

I know the pain and devastation will be raw and sore at the moment but maybe knowing how much support, how much empathy and how much good will there is towards you at this sad time will allow you to cling onto hope or let you say goodbye with dignity.  My heart goes out to everyone having to deal with this kind of loss at this time of year. 

Wishing everyone strength and a shoulder to lean on.

W

 

 

 

 

 

Independent woman

 

I have assessed where I am in my life now.

I am a single mother of five and a grandmother of two.  I turn forty in just over a month.  I work as a library assistant but am actually a qualified librarian.  I struggle to get to my work on a daily basis.  Whether it is due to not having bus fare or not having childcare or just being physically knackered.  I get up in the morning then drop weans off with minder, spend an hour on the bus to work  then do my work.  Then after work I do the whole process in reverse.   I am tired and think I look tired.

I am fiercely independent though.

I love life.  I love my kids and grandkids.  I love learning – I would not be me without a course to do.  My brain needs information to survive.  I have the most fun on a night out when I can dance.  Apart from my kids writing is my life.  Keeps the old stress at bay – makes me laugh, cry and raises other long forgotten emotions.  It allows me to cope with grief, loneliness and boredom.

I have opinions and stories, poetry and sometimes total nonsense that I just need to get down on paper.  I get lonely at night and writing my blog makes me feel connected to the rest of the world.  I like to take something that inspires me like a person, a song or a place and turn it into a story or a poem.  It is like leaving little bits of myself around so hopefully I can touch someone or make them smile or cry.

New skills I hope to learn are ballroom dancing, become a mathematics genius, I want to be able to draw and maybe even learn to play the guitar.  I want to let my kids get to know all of my extended family.

I would like to have time to take my dog for very long walks everyday.  I want to finish learning to drive.  I am always looking for some way to better myself.  I feel confident when I learn a new skill.  Learning is in my bones.  I get a huge sense of self worth watching my kids grow into intelligent and confident adults and also when I feel like I am contributing in some way.

I am happy being me – I have a lot to give to the universe.  I am extremely lucky that I have my kids and their kids.  I work hard and I look after those that matter to me.  I am not a lesser person because I am on my own.  I am super fantastic because I brought up all my kids on my own, I work very hard, I learn because knowledge is power and I am open to experiencing everything life throws at me.

I am beginning to realise that there are people out there who support me and have supported me for years.  Two of my sisters that help keep my spirits up and are there for me when I need to talk.  They care about me and let me know that they are there for me .

Tonight though I want to dedicate this to my niece – she knows who she is.  She is a burst of energy on a miserable day, she throws light on my life every time we talk.  I wish she lived closer so I could give her a hug when she needs one.  She loves to dance as much as me.  She has went through a few of the trials that I have been through in my life and if I can do anything to cheer her up I would.  If I could drive I would be visiting her this weekend.  She is the kind of company I love to keep and I miss her.

I am an independent woman but even I need these special people to keep me from cracking up.  I know when I see a good thing and as long as these people are still in my life then I have a good thing going on.

W

 

 

 

Exhaustion

Well where do I start.  Emotional is the word for this week.

I have been emotionally drained after this week.  Job hunting, running around after the kids, working six days with absolutely no time for myself.  I have fallen asleep in front of the tv about three nights this week.  Tried watching a movie and failed miserably.  I lasted about five minutes before my narcolepsy problem raised its head.

My kids are all feeling down because I have been so busy and the weather is miserable.  I have been that tired that I have not had a chance to blog.  I feel like this process is the only time I have all week to sort through my feelings, thoughts, worries and stresses.

Last week I escaped to the pictures with my sister and had a laugh.  This week I have been to a few interviews but was told I was a close second for them all.  This is due to the fact that there was already someone picked for the posts before I even walked in the door.  Why bother with the interview if you already know you are giving the job to someone regardless of the skills they have or the skills of the competition.

I just want to be treated the same as everyone else, chosen totally on merit.  Whatever happened to that old chestnut.  It is totally about who you know.  Nepotism is alive and well in libraries.  I think I am done moaning about it all now.  It is time to find some other goal, some more fulfilling occupation.  I can’t bear small-mindedness, I hate being closed in mentally.  I hate the negative emotions coming my way from line managers (apart from one AW you know who you are).

I am removing myself from the control they hold over my future and am going to go in another direction.  I think my blog is going to steer away from this talk.  Even putting any time into talking about them lets them keep their power over me.   Goodbye ladies.

Future here I come.

W