I think I am about to go on a journey. I have been getting inside my own head these last few weeks. I feel like things are getting clearer in my world and I have managed to open up a little and tell someone about the thoughts that go through my head sometimes. I think everyone needs a little space just for themselves and it is now time for me to forge a place for myself. I have been shored up in my bedroom lately, have been making it a nicer space to just hang out, do what I want to do, find a little peace in a world full of madness. I have been reading a lot of novels, the odd non-fiction book and have turned my hand back to poetry. I am on the verge of something big, I have been collecting my thoughts, compiling notes and it had been a few months since I made any conscious effort to get busy. This week has been a complete turnaround for me. Either I have turned my mind onto what I should be doing instead of going through the motions of what everyone else expects me to be doing or I am just making the best use of a seldom moment of clarity in my life.

Sometimes it takes me a while to get my act together. What else is there for me to do?

Colour me in

Tonights post is inspired by the song Colour Me In by Damien Rice. This song has been getting me through the last few days. A little internal dialogue for my life. Most days whenever I walk from place to place I am filling my head with music. Music is one of the constant influences in my life. It takes me back to my childhood. I have songs that remind me of every family member; all my sisters and brothers, my mum and dad, everyone. When people let me down – music never does. I am surrounding myself with songs that remind me how good life can be, the riches each day can bring and the light that is out there to light the way in the darkness.

I have been watching tv with my son tonight and it was good just to have a little time for him. We seem to have been on different courses through life recently and it was great to touch down with him again. I hope for more but we will see how he feels about it all. I have been a little detached from my own life recently and this is not great when I am responsible for other people but like I said yesterday I am working my way out of the darkness and finding purpose in every day again so hopefully this upward turn will continue. A little bit at a time I suppose.

I see it has been snowing whilst the night has unfolded. I am looking forward to a crisp, cold morning. Nothing like a bit of fresh freezing air to wake me up when I am walking the kids to school. I am looking forward to a lovely walk with the dog when I get my morning all to myself. Maybe write a little before I head off to work. I am starting to recognise the potential in life, my personal work and my writing again but we will see where it takes me.

Elastic Heart

Hey world.

I have been gone for too long. I am back with my mind set on straight and an urge to put the past behind me and engage with the life I want to have. I dont know why I have these little blips where life pulls me sideways or downwards or in circles of despair but today I am keeping my head afloat. I am not gonna let trivial things get in my way. Today is the day I start living for me. I have intention and integrity to speak my mind, live as I see fit and write my heart out. Things are insecure in my life right now but I am always up to the challenge. This sudden change of heart is because I have been journaling, listening to music and reading anything I can get my hands on. I suppose what I really mean is that I am managing to eke out some of my time to indulge my passions, pander to my literary whims, let myself go in the words of a good song, embrace the weird that is me. I have been writing poetry and editing some short stories. I am always in a better place when i am writing poetry.

Long may it continue.

Getting over you

Dear you

Up until four days ago I was happy
I looked forward to seeing you
kissing you, being with you.
I felt that I had found
someone who had made me whole.
You raised a passion in me
that scorched away memories
of anyone who went before.
You made me feel womanly, safe, beautiful
I felt caressed in your light.
I truly let myself fall for you
even though I knew things were

Since you have been gone
I have been numb,
a huge hole has been left
where my days were filled
with excitement and anticipation
of your calls, texts and visits –
now there is nothing.
I am temporarily stuck
in a limbo of longing.
Longing for your arms around me,
your hands on my skin,
your voice in my ears.

My heart is wide open
lifes blood, dripping
ebbing from me
waiting for you to rush in
to patch me together again.
My head knows this is a dream
a futile wish
but my heart oh so wants it to be true!
Deep inside my heart
it knows the words you said
were never meant for me.

Today I am dying
the pain is too great
tomorrow I may recline
in my bed for a day
or two.
Cry silent tears
quilt over my head
cry for a love
that now lies dead.
Maybe in a week
a month or a year
I will stand up tall
and let go of my fear
that all men decieve
all men lie.

I will wake up
see it for what it always was.
Me with my girls heart
eternally hopeful
letting in a frog
disguised as a prince.

I fell in love with love
for all that its worth.

If you think your lonely now.

New year, new you or so they say. Over the last few days some changes were forced into my life and so today I am just going to make some sense of them. Do you know what its like when you have put a lot of your trust, feelings, emotions, love, care, time and effort into someone and they turn around at a crucial time and let you down? Do you know what it feels to have something that holds you together, makes everything in the world seem okay, grounds you to the earth and life? Do you know what it feels like to have that taken away in one violent outburst, one second of real hatred and anger directed at you and the one person in the world you thought wouldn’t let you down whips your feet from under you? Well that sort of sums up my weekend.

Three years is not a huge amount of time in relation to a lot of relationships but for me it was three years of feeling more alive than I ever have. Living life in a way that felt right and true even though to others it was not. Searching your heart and deciding to go with it, embracing everything we shared and letting it wash over me in a wave of happiness and just being able to feel like someone cherished me. Giving myself permission to be open, to let someone in to see the real me. Opening up myself to the richness that love can bring into your life. Today though it is clear that this has all ended. I have been to a place where this person revealed themselves to be nothing like the person I thought they were.

I have opened my eyes today. I am sad, devastated, bereft, inconsolable and hurt. Every day I hope brings a little less pain, a little less of the sensation of being ripped in half. I am sad now but anger will come and eventually I will see past it all and hopefully come out the other side. It doesnt take a genious to know that everyone goes through this kind of pain at some point in their lives. Sometimes it seems like I have had more than my fair share of it. My plan of action now is this;

1) take some time to grieve – let the pain out
2) get back to being busy with life
3) walk my dog for miles as often as possible
4) listen to music everyday – preferably loud
5) surround myself with people who care about me
6) write write write
7) write some more
8) squeeze something good out of everyday
9) squeeze love into everyday ( loving my kids, my grandkids and self love)
10)turn all these emotions into writing projects
11) writing is therapy – there may be some angry poems on the way
12) stay open to possibilities

For now I am going to step away from my computer, switch on some sad songs, write down my feelings, cry a lot, watch some sad movies, eat too much chocolate, cry a little more and then one day soon I am going to get a grip. Life is too short to waste feeling sad about someone who made me less of a person every hour I spent in their company. It is too short to let other people define who I am. It is too short to waste another second thinking about someone who clearly never had the emotional intelligence to be straight with anyone in his life.

Heres to a better tomorrow.

So Long Farewell

I would like to say goodbye to 2014. This year was jam-packed with painful events, family crises, hardships and many things that stretched my resolve. I spent the year going through one challenge after another. I lost three people dear to my heart which in itself brought up many issues that had lay dormant over the years. I struggled financially and at times things seemed to be at such a low ebb that I never thought I could see a silver lining and that any positives could come out of the year. I am nothing if not resilient though.

In all its challenging occurrences I learned many valuable lessons from the year:

1) Everything will be okay as long as I have my family around me.
2) Life always gives you choices – I just have to make better ones.
3} As long as I can escape now and again for a walk in the hills then I always have instant relief from whatever is holding me back.
4) I am very very lucky in that I have 5 astoundingly precious children and three grandchildren that fill my life with joy.
5) I have interests and skills that I can use everyday of my life.
6) I have reasonably good health.
7) As long as I can still dance then there is always something to look forward to and something that lifts my spirits.
8) I have passion, interests, people and a love of learning that means I am never bored.
9) I am starting to realise who is there for me time and again and I have people who I want to get to know much better in the new year.
10) I am alive with energy, a will to achieve my goals, the inspiration to create a new path for myself and people to share my journey.

It is all about the way you look at the world and for today January 1st 2015 I am looking up. I am looking at the world with clarity, positivity and gumption. Love to my kids, grandkids, aunts, cousins, friends, pets, colleagues and everyone I may have missed. xxxxxx