I woke up this morning feeling seriously depressed. It has been the culmination of a long period of upheaval and change that has left me exhausted, lonely and thoroughly down in the dumps. I woke up feeling lost and when I heard my two youngest kids start to fight for the upteenth time this week I just pulled the covers over my head and lay in the darkness for an extra couple of hours. I also have been feeling upset, confused and devastated over the way a certain relationship has come to an end.
I eventually dragged myself into reality just before lunchtime and decided to take my kids to Falkirk to try and encourage a sense of family and togetherness. I had planned to buy a couple of jackets for my two youngest, take us for lunch then pay a little visit to the local toy shop. The bus ride into town was expensive but good. I actually started to have a little optimism that me and the kids would have a good day. We got off the bus and walked to the first store. We were in there five seconds before the two youngest kids started running amok and my eldest son thought it would be funny to comment on every word out of my mouth and start to chastise me for trying to keep the two younger ones in line.
I eventually had three jackets bought and could feel my head start to throb as the two youngest went ballisitic outside the shop. I could not handle it I put my headphones in and told them we were going home and that just made matters much worse. I walked away without looking back once. I walked about a hundred feet then stopped with my back to them so they had to come and catch up with me. As they got closer the two youngest started fighting again and I just had to calm down before I exploded at them. My ipod started playing Just Breathe by Pearl Jam and I closed my eyes and let the song drift over me and it actually helped a little.
I decided the plan of action was to grab one child and deal with that one first. I grabbed my youngest and held him tight in a cuddle for a couple of minutes before I even spoke to him. He actually seemed to calm down a little and cuddled me back. Then I explained he had to behave and we were going home because him and his sister could not behave. I then had to catch my daughter and do the same thing. The cuddle approach seemed to work for my daughter but my son still played up so I ended up having to walk back up the town with him over my shoulder.
Once at the bus stop I just sat and held my five year old as if he was a baby and he actually just sat there and let me do it. I actually started to feel a little better because my weans had started to calm down and I had stuck to my guns and stayed focused on the punishment so no fancy lunch or toys were had. When I got home my body was screaming at me to go straight upstairs to bed but I made a pot roast instead. Nothing like good homemade comfort food to restore the mental balance to my poor brain.
My youngest is now away to his bed and my daughter will be going up those steps to sleepyville very soon. Although I have managed to hang onto my composure today by the skin of my teeth I have felt that tears were not very far away. My friend got on the bus with us and he asked me a couple of questions that could not be answered because I would have gotten upset. It has been that long since someone asked me how I was in a manner that showed me they were genuinely wanting to know the answer that I cannot handle it. I am holding onto things too much but dont know how to break the cycle of keeping everything in.
I am now trawling through youtube for songs and psoting them on facebook and twitter because I am really bored basically. Please let tomorrow be a better day.