Wednesday

Well the kids were late for school again.  We were all up and ready early enough, we left the house with plenty of time to get to work.  Once out the door however my eight year old daughter behaved very well but my five year old son just went haywire.  He insisted on walking in baby steps, complained about being cold then when I put his jacket on him he had a tantrum about the sleeves being too long.  I turned the sleeves back and he just turned them back down again.  Major tantrum ensued with me physically having to drag him half the way to school then carrying him the rest of the way.  By the time we got there he said he was going to be angry all day.  I left him there feeling like either screaming at the top of my voice or crying like a baby.

I made the choice to be neither of these things – I just held my composure and went to meet my bestie.  We went back to her house to drop off her dogs then went for some breakfast at the local cafe.  Then we came to mine and got stuck into stripping the wallpaper off the walls in my living room.  This work is going really slow but at least it is still in progress.  We had a great laugh whilst getting the job done. I was getting stuck into the wallpaper scraping but the walls were crumbling in a few places and it was getting me really angry so I took out the frustration I was feeling about the hassle getting the kids to school on the walls.

Whilst waiting at the school for my kids to come out one of the other parents told me that my son’s bus had crashed on the way home from school so I was pretty worried that my thirteen year old was okay.  I managed to get him on the phone and apart from s few hyper kids in the background he told me he was okay.  So my two youngest and I went to the river side and threw stones and had a wee blether.

I got home with them and started stripping walls again.  It has been a really long day and I still have lots of work to do but will just have to leave it till tomorrow.  I am off work until half past four so I have time to clear up tomorrow.  I am going to get into my bed, read a little, listen to some music and drift off into a relaxing sleep all at a sort of reasonable time – a good couple of hours earlier than I usually go to bed.  I am starting to get a taste for this sleeping lark.  

Looking forward to seeing what Thursday brings me.

Get with the programme

Today was a day with several parts. 

1) Kids woke up in a good mood but this descended into chaos just as we were about to walk out the door – as a result kids were late for school and I had a huge sigh of relief once I walked back out the school door.

2) Felt bad when I bumped into my bestie and I was down in the dumps but five minutes into our walk with all three pooches I was feeling much better.

3) Had a couple of hours during the day when I had nothing productive to do.  I felt bad for not actually making any inroads with the work I need to do in the house but I felt better for having spent a couple of hours doing nothing.

4) Walk to work was good and the day was busy but it reminded me how much more of a challenge I need at work. I am suffocating in there.

5) Had a a good evening with my kids and my oldest son took his little brother and sister to the park for a little while.  It is nice to see a little harmony in the house for a little while.  It was fantastic to see my two youngest not trying to kill each other for once. 

6) I had a few conversations with a guy I really like on the phone today.  It would be good to go on a date for once without any complications or problems.  Feeling positive about what could be a good relationship but feel bad about things being difficult and babysitters being thin on the ground.

7) My brain started off the day quite active and bursting with ideas but the day ended with me feeling like my head had actually burst.

Tomorrow is a day off work but a day focusing on walking my dog, stripping more walls and spending serious quality time with my kids, getting them back into a routine and starting the day as I mean to go on.  I am feeling positive about getting them to school on time tomorrow.  Here is hoping for a peaceful morning.

Late Night Blogging

I get up every morning with the intention of starting my day properly, getting things done and then trying to get to bed at a decent time.  As with every time I try to plan things – they never sun smoothly:

1) The day always starts with waking up with my alarm and music.  I sleep with music on because it is just who I am – music makes the really shitty days bearable.

2) I try to wake the kids up without making the two youngest go into a huff.  One wakes up really angry and the other one is just a nightmare to wake up altogether.  

3) I always make plans to eat breakfast but this never happens until much later.

4) The daily dance to get the kids ready for school and out the door is an ongoing challenge – either they get ready fine but forget something crucial at the last minute or they just don’t want to get dressed at all.

5) The dash to school consists of crying, huffs, tantrums and either a quick dash into the shop for a sweetie or a challenging drag past the shop because they are not behaving.

6) A huge sigh of relief once the kids are safely deposited at school.

7) A walk with my bestie and our dogs or a quick walk then some food and chat at my besties house.  Either helps to combat the stress of getting the kids to school.

8) Wee walk to work – nice if it is sunny – miserable if it is raining but always with loud music blaring into my head from the ipod.

9) Seeing all the usual suspects at work and having a good time chatting to the regulars and the new customers.

10) The stress of thinking of something for dinner that all three kids left at home would happily eat.  

11) A few wee happy texts sent and received when on lunch break at work.  

12) The joyous ten minute walk from work to the house when I am blissfully unaware of the drama kids are creating on my behalf.  I really love to walk into chaos and disruption every day of my life.  The ten minute preparation time on the walk home from work is the sanctuary that keeps me sane.

13) Homework palaver – never runs smoothly – occasionally gets done without too much fuss – usually tantrums though.

14) Once two little kids are in bed it is good to spend a little time with my thirteen year old talking about tv and movies usually.  

15) I usually end up sleeping uncomfortably on the couch instead of dragging myself up to bed – I always wake up with a sore neck, aching limbs and angry at myself for doing it again.  

16) The late night blog and tidy up.

 

I really want to get into some sort of routine where I don’t feel like I am playing catch up with myself.  I would like to get back to that place where me and the kids were like a finely tuned team and we got ready and got things done then had loads of fun time.  This has been lacking for a little while because I was bogged down in work drama and also essay work for university was taking up far too much time.  I want to enjoy every aspect of my day.  I want to have amazing conversations with my two youngest children on the way to school. I want to  miss their wee smiley faces when they are at school and not see it as a relief that someone else has to deal with them for a little while.

I want to have some sense of fulfillment with my day.  I want to feel like I have achieved something worthwhile that I can be proud of.  Is that too much to ask?

New Start

I have been absent from my blog for over a week.  I had to spend some actual time in the real world for a little while.  I got new gas central heating put in.  The preparation needed for such a job was huge.  I needed to empty every cupboard, move loads of things completely out of the way and even threw out a few things.  I suppose it is all good in the long run because I have got rid of a lot of useless things that have just been hanging around unused.  

I have spent the week clearing out rubbish and doing a lot of soul searching.  I have been mentally clearing things out as I went along.  I still have lots to sort through and need to harness the ruthless gene that I know I have.  As all this has been going on I have been doing essay work for university.  It actually went right to the wire.  I was typing up until ten minutes before the essay was due.  I had done all-nighters to get it done, I had developed a squint and could not even see straight at one point because I had been in front of the computer for so long.  At last it is finished and done with.  I have some time to take stock of which direction I go in now but I need to maybe not do any courses for a while.  My brain hurts with all the mental action i have taken over the last twenty years.  I think I deserve a little time off – at least for the time being.  

This week I still have some wall stripping to do, some paint to buy, some clearing out clutter and starting from scratch.  I do not mind living in a building site for a while until I get this house looking like a home.  I feel that I have been spending some quality time with myself for a while.  This is an alien concept to me but one I could get used to having.  Tomorrow morning is going to begin with getting the kids to school on time but then going for breakfast with my best friend before starting work at ten.

I need to look forward this week and I need to keep focusing in that direction.  I am finally working towards the future.  I have plans to out into practice and places I need to go.  Here’s hoping that things go to plan for me for once.  I will be back on the blog with a vengeance – I actually have a lot of time for writing what I want to write now as opposed to things I have to do for my course.  

I can’t wait to see where the future takes me.  

 

W

Tired and emotional.com

I have had a good run of days – been happy with all the work in the house, work in general was good and life seemed to be chugging along quite nicely.  Today though – I feel like I have been trampled by a herd of cattle.  I feel bruised, tired, emotional and flat.  At the moment I am looking at all the work I still have to do for tomorrow and debating whether to get stuck in or to just cry.  I think the balance is teetering in favour of the crying.  Maybe a good cry is all I need to feel right as rain.

I have been relentless in my attempt to get my house in order and the job is much bigger than I had expected.  Right now given half a chance I would sleep non-stop for a whole week.  I am so so so so tired.  As things stand right now I will not be able to have a proper nights sleep until some time at the end of next week.  People have been telling me how tired I am looking so maybe I should try and fit in a few hours kip as soon as possible.  I am worried that I might not want to get back out of my bed if I do get in there.  I think my tiredness has started to show with the weans too because they are playing up because I do not have the energy to keep control of things.

Tomorrow I am hoping that I can get some part of the day to myself.  I am desperate for a chance to sleep or just rest.  I have lots of work to do but if I can snatch some sort of rest tomorrow then I will feel a little better.  A cat nap is that is all I can get will suffice.  

I left this post alone for an hour to have a conversation on the phone with my niece.  This has made me feel better for a few reasons:

1) I told her my deepest darkest secrets.

2) I laughed along with her laughing and it made me feel better.

3) She inspired me to get busy with another writing project.

4) She is just a joy to talk with.

5) She reminds me of my youth.

6) She makes me feel like my life is interesting.

7) She loves dancing almost as much as I do. 

I like the quick turnaround in my mood.  I am still very tired but may just give in and go to my bed now.  It is an investment in me.  I will have more energy tomorrow if I can attain a certain level of sleep.  I may have to put some things off till tomorrow as a necessity.  

W

To strip or not to strip

I have one day till the workmen come to replace my gas central heating and the question is do I have enough time to strip another whole room of wallpaper before they get here.  I don’t know – I still have a lot of things to pack out of the road.  It seems like life is just a long hard fight this week.  I have not had ten minutes peace for the last two weeks.  Things have been slowly getting more and more hectic.  I have to keep stopping the work in my house to go and do shifts at my real job then try and fit in some essay work as I go along.

I have to keep telling myself that it will be worth all the effort when I see the end result.  I still have a million things to do before it even starts getting put back into place.  I am also trying frantically to sort out some work for my essay that is due next week but I need to give my tutor a synopsis of it like yesterday.  Everything is running late, behind schedule and it is getting on my nerves.  Starting to have a little mini panic about it all.  As usual I know I will get it done but at the moment the finishing point seems so far away.

I have to really thank my thirteen year old son because he is the best help around the house – from hanging out washing, helping me pack things away or diving to the shop he always helps me out.  I cannot thank him enough.  My best friend who is the catalyst for me starting all this house decorating also deserves a mention because she is helping me strip the walls, helping me paint and paper the whole house.   I need to think up a suitable thank you for them both.

Here is to a new lease of life from my new decorated home (when it is finished)

In Preparation

I have had a busy, interesting day at work and have just come home to have ten minutes peace before I start packing away my belongings in readiness for getting new central heating on Friday.  This has been a long time coming.  I feel for the first time in ages that I am getting things sorted, that parts of my life are slowly falling into place.  The stripping away of layers of wallpaper has given me time to reflect on notonly my house but my life as well.  I feel like I am entering a new era in my life.  I have much more independence now that all of my kids are in school.  For those hours every day – even when at work I am thankful for a little me space – time to think and have peace.  

People keep telling me that I seem so calm all the time.  I think it is because I have five kids and have brought them up on my own; If I can cope with that then I can cope with pretty much everything.  I am two weeks away from being ready to start a new chapter in my life.  Once I get my final essay sent away all of my time will be my own.  Well almost all of my time.  I have been filling my time with courses, kids, work and other duties – now though I am taking some time to reflect and decide on where I am going in life.  I will be assessing my overall fitness and tackling the things I need to do to feel fitter and healthier.  I will spend much more tiime walking with my dog because that makes me truly relaxed and happy.

Tonight though, my kids and I will be packing away out trinkets and belongings to make way for all the workmen that are going to be traipsing through our house.  This is also being used as a time to clear out furniture, clothes and other things that are no longer in use.  I will try to stick to the rule if it has not been used, watched or worn in six months then it has to go.  I am being ruthless because I have to be.  There is no room for sentimentality as these things have been cluttering up my life for far too long.

So at the moment it is the calm before the storm, we are going to have a nice dinner then crack into all the work we have planned.  I am looking forward to it but also dreading it as it is a huge undertaking and we only have a couple of days to get it all sorted.  My lovely friend and I are hoping to start stripping more walls on Wednesday and Thursday so we have a clean slate for after the workmen have been.  I am feeling positive about how my house is going to look after it is finished but even more optimistic about the direction my life is taking.  It just seems really daunting today because I have so much work needing done before I can achieve those goals.  Added to this is the stress of having an essay to write to finish up my final university course.   

I will get it done.  

W

 

Sunday Service

I have just had a lovely visit from my daughter and her little boy and she brought along her friend too.  It is good checking up that she is okay and that she is surrounding herself with friends who are on the same wavelength as her and are supportive.  She is a lovely lady my daughter – so trusting and open.  At 19 years of age so she should be.  Not jaded and suspicious like me.  I have been living in a little bubble lately and have been trying to remain open and excited by life but sometimes this is harder than I expect.  I have met quite a few new people over the weekend and it has made it fun and interesting.  One thing I do notice however is that I need to try not to close myself down.  I think sometimes I play my cards too close to my chest because I have been hurt so much in the past.

This weekend I think I have come to the realisation that maybe I am my own worst enemy.  I have been so closed for so long that I am finding it difficult not to be.  I am entering a part of my life where I feel like I have managed to remove a lot of the baggage that I have had from my last relationship and hopefully am in a place that I can look forward and maybe meet someone.  My youngest child is only five but I think now is a good time to take stock of everything and see where I go from here.  I am trying to be positive and take everyone on face value instead of being insular.  I am trying to trust my intuition more than my negative past experience.  

I also hate when people keep telling me I should wait till my kids are older.  I get told that I should just settle for life as it is now until my kids are older.  I am forty now but if I waited another ten years till my youngest son was 15 then I will be 50.  I don’t want to spend my time waiting for life to happen.  I want to have a life now.  My kids would want me to be happy and fulfilled.  I will not wait another ten years just because people think I should devote my every waking hour to my kids.  I am a good mum, I talk with my kids, we have fun and laugh together and because it has just been us we all have a really close bond.  A better bond than most kids from the so called normal two-parent families.  

I want my kids to see me enjoying life to the full because that is the only way I know how to show them that they should so the same.  I do not want to have regrets ten years from now – because I did not try to achieve what I want out of life.  I will go forward from here with hope in my heart, a clear head and open to new experiences.  I won’t just sit and wait till the day society says I can have a life or some freedom.  As long as I look after my kids, let them know I love them on a daily basis, keep them safe, treat them with respect, care and love then I know I am doing a good job.  Having a life and enjoying being a responsible parent are not too totally exclusive things it is possible to have both.

Just in the same way as it is possible to be a single parent and raise wonderful, respectful, intelligent and magnificent children who are law-abiding and contribute to society.  I have put the best of me into my kids and at the moment I see that paying off in dividends.  I have a fantastic 13 year old son who helps around the house, knows how to talk with respect to people and can hold intelligent conversation on a million topics.  I have an eight year old daughter who is amazed every day by a new fact she has learned or can create magical pictures out of nothing in minutes.  I have a five year old son who is astounded by life on a daily basis and when watching him work out how to do something it makes me feel alive, important and proud.  My two eldest daughters too have been resourceful, creative, loving, open and a joy to spend time with.  

The fact that I also have two grandchildren makes me deliriously happy.  They make my heart swell with love when I thought it could not get any bigger.  Life is good today, my house is warm, my kids are all well fed and healthy.  I have interests that keep me busy. Music fills my every waking thought and writing holds the key to my soul.  I have had a high points and low points this weekend but all I can ever be is true to myself.

Today is a very good day to be me.  Always looking forward.

W

   

The day after the night before

I had the luxury of having a night out last night.  My best friend and I went to a local bar that opened up and had a good time before leaving to go to another pub that was a bit more intimate and friendly.  The first pub started off good, friendly folk, live band and lots of positive vibes.  Now it may be my age but around about eleven o’clock it started getting much more busy and the faces coming through the door were getting younger and younger.  It was like being on a night out with loads of folk the same age as my daughters and that was not what I wanted.  So we moved on to a more quiet pub with less stress involved in getting a drink at the bar.

The second pub was much quieter and sociable.  I think I knew and spoke to everyone in the place.  I caught up with a friend of the family who I had not seen in years and had a good natter about my mum and dad and the experiences he had had with my family before my parents died.  It was a really good conversation and reminded me of how well thought of my mum and dad were.  It is still good to know that people remember them and think really highly of them.  

The night had a few things worth mentioning.  The music was just okay – too many Oasis covers but a blinding cover version of a Michael Jackson song which was a nice surprise and Dakota by The Stereophonics.  I met and chatted to a few folk I have not seen for years and got a nice hug from some of them.  The strangest thing was the attention I got from unexpected people.  One was a tiny little guy who seemed to be having his own little party in his head – he came over and said that I was the most gorgeous looking woman in the place and could he buy me a drink.  I tried to be polite but I was not really ready for that sort of attention so told him it was okay and that I did not want a drink.  The guy took umbrage at this and walked away but two seconds later his friend came over and asked what he had said to me.  I told him and he then told me that I was the first woman he had ever had the nerve to go up and speak to. His wife then started laying on the sob story really thick and although I felt bad for the guy – I was more surprised at how his friends behaved.  It made me feel a little uncomfortable and my friend and I did not stay in the pub very long after that because the guy kept staring and his friends kept pushing.  

We then went to the next pub and had several conversations with many people in the bar.  It was there I bumped into the old family friend and had a great chat but I also attracted unwanted attention when I was there too but this was in the form a much older (should have known better) guy.  I suppose I can’t complain because at least someone found me attractive and wanted to go out with me but the standard of chat-up conversation or availability is becoming very low.  I just wanted to have a stress free night out with my friend but it ended up with the usual – my wife/girlfriend doesn’t understand me or the giant sob story (as if I making me feel pity for you is a way to my heart) rigmarole.  I went home alone and much happier for that.  The overall atmosphere in pub number two was better because the standard of conversation was higher but I had a really good night talking to loads of interesting people.  I really want to keep up the momentum that my social life has started taking as it has been virtually non-existent for the previous ten years.   

W

Chilled out day.

Today I decided to take the day off – how selfish of me.  I went to visit a friend and spent the whole morning just chilling, taking time to just be with that special person in your life right at that moment.  The kids were all at school, I have loads of work to do at home but I will work better if I have some me time to help balance my mood. All work and no play can make life very dull.  

I then had to get the kids out of school a little early to take them all to the dentist.  This is a chore but a necessary evil.  If it was just me I would never go to the dentist until it was urgent but as the responsible parent that I am I need to show my kids how to look after themselves.  We go every six months religiously.  Similarly I cannot be without a job because I am the only role model my kids have.  Especially with deadbeat dad on the scene – someone has to show them how the world works.

I have a night out planned.  My nephew is coming down to babysit and my best friend and I are going to the pub to hopefully see a band.  I used to love going to see local bands when I was younger.  I feel like I am actually starting to find my feet with this going out lark.  I know a lot of people in the area and am getting more sociable by the minute.  I have to make the best of it all though because who knows when the next time I can afford a night out will be. 

Tomorrow I have to go to work to say goodbye to a lovely colleague who finishes work tomorrow.  I will miss her. It has been good getting to spend some time talking to her and I hope we stay friends.  I need to hold onto friends better.  I keep losing touch with folk once they move jobs or I leave.  I will try harder this time because I think we have a lot in common and it would be really good to keep in touch with her. Looking forward to having a great night out. 

W