Wednesday

Well the kids were late for school again.  We were all up and ready early enough, we left the house with plenty of time to get to work.  Once out the door however my eight year old daughter behaved very well but my five year old son just went haywire.  He insisted on walking in baby steps, complained about being cold then when I put his jacket on him he had a tantrum about the sleeves being too long.  I turned the sleeves back and he just turned them back down again.  Major tantrum ensued with me physically having to drag him half the way to school then carrying him the rest of the way.  By the time we got there he said he was going to be angry all day.  I left him there feeling like either screaming at the top of my voice or crying like a baby.

I made the choice to be neither of these things – I just held my composure and went to meet my bestie.  We went back to her house to drop off her dogs then went for some breakfast at the local cafe.  Then we came to mine and got stuck into stripping the wallpaper off the walls in my living room.  This work is going really slow but at least it is still in progress.  We had a great laugh whilst getting the job done. I was getting stuck into the wallpaper scraping but the walls were crumbling in a few places and it was getting me really angry so I took out the frustration I was feeling about the hassle getting the kids to school on the walls.

Whilst waiting at the school for my kids to come out one of the other parents told me that my son’s bus had crashed on the way home from school so I was pretty worried that my thirteen year old was okay.  I managed to get him on the phone and apart from s few hyper kids in the background he told me he was okay.  So my two youngest and I went to the river side and threw stones and had a wee blether.

I got home with them and started stripping walls again.  It has been a really long day and I still have lots of work to do but will just have to leave it till tomorrow.  I am off work until half past four so I have time to clear up tomorrow.  I am going to get into my bed, read a little, listen to some music and drift off into a relaxing sleep all at a sort of reasonable time – a good couple of hours earlier than I usually go to bed.  I am starting to get a taste for this sleeping lark.  

Looking forward to seeing what Thursday brings me.

Advertisements

Get with the programme

Today was a day with several parts. 

1) Kids woke up in a good mood but this descended into chaos just as we were about to walk out the door – as a result kids were late for school and I had a huge sigh of relief once I walked back out the school door.

2) Felt bad when I bumped into my bestie and I was down in the dumps but five minutes into our walk with all three pooches I was feeling much better.

3) Had a couple of hours during the day when I had nothing productive to do.  I felt bad for not actually making any inroads with the work I need to do in the house but I felt better for having spent a couple of hours doing nothing.

4) Walk to work was good and the day was busy but it reminded me how much more of a challenge I need at work. I am suffocating in there.

5) Had a a good evening with my kids and my oldest son took his little brother and sister to the park for a little while.  It is nice to see a little harmony in the house for a little while.  It was fantastic to see my two youngest not trying to kill each other for once. 

6) I had a few conversations with a guy I really like on the phone today.  It would be good to go on a date for once without any complications or problems.  Feeling positive about what could be a good relationship but feel bad about things being difficult and babysitters being thin on the ground.

7) My brain started off the day quite active and bursting with ideas but the day ended with me feeling like my head had actually burst.

Tomorrow is a day off work but a day focusing on walking my dog, stripping more walls and spending serious quality time with my kids, getting them back into a routine and starting the day as I mean to go on.  I am feeling positive about getting them to school on time tomorrow.  Here is hoping for a peaceful morning.

Late Night Blogging

I get up every morning with the intention of starting my day properly, getting things done and then trying to get to bed at a decent time.  As with every time I try to plan things – they never sun smoothly:

1) The day always starts with waking up with my alarm and music.  I sleep with music on because it is just who I am – music makes the really shitty days bearable.

2) I try to wake the kids up without making the two youngest go into a huff.  One wakes up really angry and the other one is just a nightmare to wake up altogether.  

3) I always make plans to eat breakfast but this never happens until much later.

4) The daily dance to get the kids ready for school and out the door is an ongoing challenge – either they get ready fine but forget something crucial at the last minute or they just don’t want to get dressed at all.

5) The dash to school consists of crying, huffs, tantrums and either a quick dash into the shop for a sweetie or a challenging drag past the shop because they are not behaving.

6) A huge sigh of relief once the kids are safely deposited at school.

7) A walk with my bestie and our dogs or a quick walk then some food and chat at my besties house.  Either helps to combat the stress of getting the kids to school.

8) Wee walk to work – nice if it is sunny – miserable if it is raining but always with loud music blaring into my head from the ipod.

9) Seeing all the usual suspects at work and having a good time chatting to the regulars and the new customers.

10) The stress of thinking of something for dinner that all three kids left at home would happily eat.  

11) A few wee happy texts sent and received when on lunch break at work.  

12) The joyous ten minute walk from work to the house when I am blissfully unaware of the drama kids are creating on my behalf.  I really love to walk into chaos and disruption every day of my life.  The ten minute preparation time on the walk home from work is the sanctuary that keeps me sane.

13) Homework palaver – never runs smoothly – occasionally gets done without too much fuss – usually tantrums though.

14) Once two little kids are in bed it is good to spend a little time with my thirteen year old talking about tv and movies usually.  

15) I usually end up sleeping uncomfortably on the couch instead of dragging myself up to bed – I always wake up with a sore neck, aching limbs and angry at myself for doing it again.  

16) The late night blog and tidy up.

 

I really want to get into some sort of routine where I don’t feel like I am playing catch up with myself.  I would like to get back to that place where me and the kids were like a finely tuned team and we got ready and got things done then had loads of fun time.  This has been lacking for a little while because I was bogged down in work drama and also essay work for university was taking up far too much time.  I want to enjoy every aspect of my day.  I want to have amazing conversations with my two youngest children on the way to school. I want to  miss their wee smiley faces when they are at school and not see it as a relief that someone else has to deal with them for a little while.

I want to have some sense of fulfillment with my day.  I want to feel like I have achieved something worthwhile that I can be proud of.  Is that too much to ask?

New Start

I have been absent from my blog for over a week.  I had to spend some actual time in the real world for a little while.  I got new gas central heating put in.  The preparation needed for such a job was huge.  I needed to empty every cupboard, move loads of things completely out of the way and even threw out a few things.  I suppose it is all good in the long run because I have got rid of a lot of useless things that have just been hanging around unused.  

I have spent the week clearing out rubbish and doing a lot of soul searching.  I have been mentally clearing things out as I went along.  I still have lots to sort through and need to harness the ruthless gene that I know I have.  As all this has been going on I have been doing essay work for university.  It actually went right to the wire.  I was typing up until ten minutes before the essay was due.  I had done all-nighters to get it done, I had developed a squint and could not even see straight at one point because I had been in front of the computer for so long.  At last it is finished and done with.  I have some time to take stock of which direction I go in now but I need to maybe not do any courses for a while.  My brain hurts with all the mental action i have taken over the last twenty years.  I think I deserve a little time off – at least for the time being.  

This week I still have some wall stripping to do, some paint to buy, some clearing out clutter and starting from scratch.  I do not mind living in a building site for a while until I get this house looking like a home.  I feel that I have been spending some quality time with myself for a while.  This is an alien concept to me but one I could get used to having.  Tomorrow morning is going to begin with getting the kids to school on time but then going for breakfast with my best friend before starting work at ten.

I need to look forward this week and I need to keep focusing in that direction.  I am finally working towards the future.  I have plans to out into practice and places I need to go.  Here’s hoping that things go to plan for me for once.  I will be back on the blog with a vengeance – I actually have a lot of time for writing what I want to write now as opposed to things I have to do for my course.  

I can’t wait to see where the future takes me.  

 

W

Tired and emotional.com

I have had a good run of days – been happy with all the work in the house, work in general was good and life seemed to be chugging along quite nicely.  Today though – I feel like I have been trampled by a herd of cattle.  I feel bruised, tired, emotional and flat.  At the moment I am looking at all the work I still have to do for tomorrow and debating whether to get stuck in or to just cry.  I think the balance is teetering in favour of the crying.  Maybe a good cry is all I need to feel right as rain.

I have been relentless in my attempt to get my house in order and the job is much bigger than I had expected.  Right now given half a chance I would sleep non-stop for a whole week.  I am so so so so tired.  As things stand right now I will not be able to have a proper nights sleep until some time at the end of next week.  People have been telling me how tired I am looking so maybe I should try and fit in a few hours kip as soon as possible.  I am worried that I might not want to get back out of my bed if I do get in there.  I think my tiredness has started to show with the weans too because they are playing up because I do not have the energy to keep control of things.

Tomorrow I am hoping that I can get some part of the day to myself.  I am desperate for a chance to sleep or just rest.  I have lots of work to do but if I can snatch some sort of rest tomorrow then I will feel a little better.  A cat nap is that is all I can get will suffice.  

I left this post alone for an hour to have a conversation on the phone with my niece.  This has made me feel better for a few reasons:

1) I told her my deepest darkest secrets.

2) I laughed along with her laughing and it made me feel better.

3) She inspired me to get busy with another writing project.

4) She is just a joy to talk with.

5) She reminds me of my youth.

6) She makes me feel like my life is interesting.

7) She loves dancing almost as much as I do. 

I like the quick turnaround in my mood.  I am still very tired but may just give in and go to my bed now.  It is an investment in me.  I will have more energy tomorrow if I can attain a certain level of sleep.  I may have to put some things off till tomorrow as a necessity.  

W

To strip or not to strip

I have one day till the workmen come to replace my gas central heating and the question is do I have enough time to strip another whole room of wallpaper before they get here.  I don’t know – I still have a lot of things to pack out of the road.  It seems like life is just a long hard fight this week.  I have not had ten minutes peace for the last two weeks.  Things have been slowly getting more and more hectic.  I have to keep stopping the work in my house to go and do shifts at my real job then try and fit in some essay work as I go along.

I have to keep telling myself that it will be worth all the effort when I see the end result.  I still have a million things to do before it even starts getting put back into place.  I am also trying frantically to sort out some work for my essay that is due next week but I need to give my tutor a synopsis of it like yesterday.  Everything is running late, behind schedule and it is getting on my nerves.  Starting to have a little mini panic about it all.  As usual I know I will get it done but at the moment the finishing point seems so far away.

I have to really thank my thirteen year old son because he is the best help around the house – from hanging out washing, helping me pack things away or diving to the shop he always helps me out.  I cannot thank him enough.  My best friend who is the catalyst for me starting all this house decorating also deserves a mention because she is helping me strip the walls, helping me paint and paper the whole house.   I need to think up a suitable thank you for them both.

Here is to a new lease of life from my new decorated home (when it is finished)

In Preparation

I have had a busy, interesting day at work and have just come home to have ten minutes peace before I start packing away my belongings in readiness for getting new central heating on Friday.  This has been a long time coming.  I feel for the first time in ages that I am getting things sorted, that parts of my life are slowly falling into place.  The stripping away of layers of wallpaper has given me time to reflect on notonly my house but my life as well.  I feel like I am entering a new era in my life.  I have much more independence now that all of my kids are in school.  For those hours every day – even when at work I am thankful for a little me space – time to think and have peace.  

People keep telling me that I seem so calm all the time.  I think it is because I have five kids and have brought them up on my own; If I can cope with that then I can cope with pretty much everything.  I am two weeks away from being ready to start a new chapter in my life.  Once I get my final essay sent away all of my time will be my own.  Well almost all of my time.  I have been filling my time with courses, kids, work and other duties – now though I am taking some time to reflect and decide on where I am going in life.  I will be assessing my overall fitness and tackling the things I need to do to feel fitter and healthier.  I will spend much more tiime walking with my dog because that makes me truly relaxed and happy.

Tonight though, my kids and I will be packing away out trinkets and belongings to make way for all the workmen that are going to be traipsing through our house.  This is also being used as a time to clear out furniture, clothes and other things that are no longer in use.  I will try to stick to the rule if it has not been used, watched or worn in six months then it has to go.  I am being ruthless because I have to be.  There is no room for sentimentality as these things have been cluttering up my life for far too long.

So at the moment it is the calm before the storm, we are going to have a nice dinner then crack into all the work we have planned.  I am looking forward to it but also dreading it as it is a huge undertaking and we only have a couple of days to get it all sorted.  My lovely friend and I are hoping to start stripping more walls on Wednesday and Thursday so we have a clean slate for after the workmen have been.  I am feeling positive about how my house is going to look after it is finished but even more optimistic about the direction my life is taking.  It just seems really daunting today because I have so much work needing done before I can achieve those goals.  Added to this is the stress of having an essay to write to finish up my final university course.   

I will get it done.  

W