Got to be starting something.

I missed my blog post yesterday because I was mentally and physically exhausted.  I was working all day and had had virtually no sleep for the last couple of days.  I have realised I need to make a few changes to my life that will stop me neglecting myself, stop me from stressing about everyone else and help me create a calmer life for myself.  I am fed up of all the worry I carry about with me.  It gets really heavy and serves no purpose whatsoever. 

So what am I going to do today that is different.  Well first of all I am going to write this blog post.  Writing is like meditation for me and just going through the motions means that I am taking ten, fifteen minutes out of my day to do something for me.  I don’t do this nearly enough because I either don’t have the time or am tired from running around after everyone else.  Secondly I am going to try creating a place of silence for myself at some point in every day (probably when the kids are in bed).  It is always a good idea to have some time to sort through my day and get rid of any pressure.  I always find that things look better if I write down what is stressing me out so much because it does not seem to have any power when it is written down. 

I am going to try to get more sleep. I am going to make sure I go to bed at a more normal time, turn off the music, stop watching late night movies in my bed and see if I can sleep better. Having about four hours a night on a good day is not really enough to let me re-vitalise myself. I feel like I am running on empty on a regular basis and I’m hoping that more sleep will fix that. In order to sleep better I will clear out the clutter from my room. When I have been decorating other rooms a lot of the books, correspondence and magazines etc made their way up into my room and it needs clearing out. I need my bedroom to be a haven for me, I want good lighting, tidy bookshelves, a writing corner and just some space to breathe. Its got to be a good place to start.

So my plan for today is to clear out a few things but also I have company in the form of my brother, my daughter and grandson so I will be repairing my soul with good food (roast chicken is in order) and great company. A little bit of relaxing company and conversation will help me feel human again. I also have to get my writing habit off the ground. I have been sitting on plans for my first novel for some time and these plans keep getting shoved on the backburner because I am forever dealing with everyone else’s problems. So today, most importantly I am giving myself permission to get stuck into a project for me. I am 41 years old and it is high time I put myself first.

Let’s see how long my good intentions last.
W

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Sun is shining

 

I have just woken up to the most glorious day of sunshine.  My kids however have been that acclimatised to the rain and dreary weather that they are sitting captivated by the light coming from my tv set.  I will give them lunch then get them all out in the sunshine.  If they can’t find something to do then I will find them something to do.  I still remember my dad and mum offering us nice chores to do if we moaned about being shoved out in the sunshine.

I have a lot of things to do today.  I have my fantastic daughter coming to take my two youngest kids to her house to stay for the night.  I have some gardening to get started.  I have some writing to trawl through.  I am going back to the beginning – starting from scratch – reading over all my old poems, stories and thoughts I have jotted down over the last few years then I am going to get writing. I am also going out for dinner with some friends and family because my niece turned 18 today.

If nothing good has come out of the last couple of months at least it has given me lots of inspiration for stories and other projects.  I have been compiling thoughts, feelings, gossip being distributed about me and other such fantastic untruths lately and it will be fun to turn it into something productive, therapeutic, funny and just let rip with the anger.  I would like to see what happens with that – where it all takes me.  I have been soaking up experiences, people I meet and have interactions with, places I go, conversations I have and examining the complications of small town life.

I may have been brought up here and lived in this area for all of my life but I am glad to say that my intelligence, my sense of humour, my outlook on life transends way beyond the confines of small town living.  I accept that we are all defined by our upbringing and experiences but I am proud of myself for wanting to live outside those boundaries.  A respectable life does not have to be forged from ticking boxes that society deems important such as:

1) meeting a nice guy

2) settling down (getting married)

3) have 2.5 kids

4) own your own house

5) live your life in cycle of competition with your neighbours -my house is bigger than your house, my holiday cost more than your holiday, my kids are more popular than your kids, my life is happier than your life and so on and so forth.

6) work in a job that gives you no satisfaction but rakes in the money.

I am really proud to say that I do not own my house, I do not feel like your life has any essential value so I will not be competing with you.  I have never been married but shock horror I have five kids.  I have never aimed for a life set out by society.  I have brains, I have a lot of love to share with the people who are important to me.  My kids are clean, happy, independant, clever, funny, talented, gorgeous but I don’t need to shout that from the rafters to know that I am a good parent.  I have a job that allows me to feed, clothe and see my kids more often than not.  My job does not define who I am, I take no status from it whatsoever.  I am constantly indulging in my favourtie pastime of learning, I have an abundance of love, music, stimulation and support in my life and everyday holds the promise of something exciting, new, beautiful and fantastic.

I am looking forward to the future.

W

 

Who would have thought it?

Today I got up with a black cloud over my head.  I have been seeing no silver lining to anything at the moment.  I have been carrying round the weight of the world on my shoulders.  I seemed to have lost any lust for life really. Over the course of today though something changed.  I was lying on my bed reading and listening to very loud music and something just clicked into place in my head.

I thought what the hell am I doing?  I think the music I was listening to just hit a nerve.  I got up and started tidying my immediate surroundings and thought why am I letting the situation get the better of me.  I have five kids who mean the world to me.  I have two grandchildren that I totally adore.  I am interested in everything, I have a thirst for knowledge and need to get my head back into some research or learning.  I know what I am meant to do now.  I need to just get on with it and stop procrastinating.

I have spent years putting off what I really want to do.  Today I will actually start doing that.  I am going to get all my notepads, all  my writing gear and get on it.  I have a couple more days off work – I have time to turn this situation around.  Time to write my way out of my depression and time to get mentally well again.  I just want to say thank you to those people who have called, written to me, sent me music and just been there for me in my emotional time of need.

I am forever thankful for your support, your help and your love.

W

Happy Birthday Mum x

Its April 1st and it is my mum’s birthday.  Even though she died 8 years ago I still like to think of her on this day.  I have been a bit melancholy this morning for a couple of reasons.  I miss my mum obviously and wee days like today just show the gulf between when I last saw her and now.  I also feel like this because my mum was the one person who knew when I was stressed, knew when something was not quite right with my life.  When I was pregnant with my daughter Morgan she was desperate for me not to go back to the job that I hated.  She died worrying that I would stay in a job that was soul destroying on a daily basis.  She worried that I had so much to give but was floundering in a job I hated.

Today seems so much more poignant because eight years ago I was in exactly the same situation that I am in now.  The job was very different to the one I have now but the feelings of under-achievment, the serious lack of challenge in a job that I used to love and the daily stress about going into work and not having any kind of fulfillment from it are the same.  I am taking today to do several things.  I am going to grieve for the mother, friend, grandmother to my children  and special person that I have lost.  As well as that heart-wrenching gut-ripping loss I am also taking this day to grieve for the job that should have been.  I am going to accept that the job I have is far too easy and much less challenging than I want or need.  I work with the loveliest people but that is not enough to make me enjoy my work.

I cannot just walk into work tomorrow and hand in my notice because I need to work. I have kids that need fed and a house to upkeep.  I cannot just phone up and say im not coming in today or ever because I need to be doing something even if it is mundane, routine and unspectacular.  I will keep going to work in order to provide for my family, show those who want me to leave that I will leave on my own terms and also to give me breathing space to either find a new job or just get my head around the things I need to do to have the career I deserve.

So today is a day for reflection on my mother and the fantastic person she was but it is also a day to remind myself what she saw in me and wanted for me.  She knew I had dreams and hopes and skills meant for much better things than I am doing now.  She knew I had a desire to make something of my life, she knew how easy it was to get labelled as a mother and nothing else.  I will turn this bad situation I am in now totally around.  I am taking this day but tomorrow is a whole new ballgame.

For mum – I will show you what you brought me up to be.  I hear songs that remind me of you, I see a look in my kids eyes that lets me know a little bit of you is still here.  My kids are a huge part of me but do not make me who I am.   I am a reflection of your love, your heart and your intellect.  You gave me the skills to succeed and the drive to do that.  I take your support and your love with me everywhere.  Love and miss you mum. xxxx

W

Long Lie Lost

I am on holiday from work but any thoughts of real rest have disappeared down the drain.  Day two and my two youngest are running about already.  I have oodles of work to do but had hoped for at least a couple of days of rest but alas it is not to be.

My motivation is sadly lacking today.  Maybe if I was not violently dragged from sleep by a bunch of over-excited children but allowed to awaken gently with inspiration on my mind and a pen in my hand then I would have a more productive start to the day.

My brain is now awake but my body is firmly rooted in denial.  What will it take to make that final leap from lethargy to life?  If I embrace the day I will just end up finding alternative things to do other than the pressing essay I have that is due next week.  A pile of reading stands in my way.  Am I ready for that challenge?  Maybe just another forty winks and I will be fighting fit mentally to write the best essay of my life.

I don’t think so.

Babies number four and five cannot get along for even ten minutes.  I will have a day of refereeing their disputes as they continually bicker.  I can see me having to wait vampire-like for darkness so I can peacefully attempt some serious work.  I had so hoped this course would be a joy to me, filling my days with endless research and reading.  This is my last chance to bring my mark up a little.  I must find the time, must drag some semblance of motivation together and get it done.

I also have four interviews coming up soon so I need to get some preparation done for those.  Yes it is for the same job that I am doing now but in different locations.  There is still no progression available in my current employers plans.  There is still just them and us.  They thrive when damping down the spirit of others because it gives them a sense of self-importance in a society that is withdrawing itself from the services they offer.

Not only is access being denied to the loyal customer but also for those people who would inject the service with a bit of oomph.  It is never going to work if people just barricade themselves in their comfort zone.  Change is a coming and survival of the fittest is the only way to save our service.

But yet again I digress.  It is essay day and I now have to show the smeddum I am made of and rise to the challenge before me.  I may need all the skills I have to carve out a career after this.

Back to work.

W