Consequences

Just now I am going through a bit of turmoil.  I have made a few unusual decisions that mean that I am in a difficult predicament.  I know to most people this situation seems clear cut and set in stone but things are never exactly as they seem.  I am being regarded not very highly by some.  I know ultimately I cannot do anything to change my situation as it stands right now but all I can do is live my life the best way I know how. 

I am currently contemplating where I go now.  I am a very lonely person but also a very insular person.  I like to keep my personal life free of drama whenever I can.  I am the mother of five kids and they are the most important thing in my life.  I am going to have to weather a storm right now as I am being talked about and discussed without anyone really knowing the facts of the situation.  When everyone else around me seems to be losing their heads it seems sometimes that I am the only one with a level head.  

I know this post seems very ambiguous and vague but I do not wish to perpetuate any more myths.  I do not wish to give the gossip mongers around me any more fuel.  People with very small insignificant lives have nothing better to do than discuss others and try to make them feel small.  People who feel self righteous and superior like to keep talking about others in an attempt to deflect attention from their own shortcomings.  Today I would like to remind them of that fact.

So today people go ahead and talk, if that is all that gives you pleasure in life then I seriously pity you.  Go ahead and talk if your life is one big void of nothingness and the only way to feel connected to anyone is to judge and destroy the lives of others.  In this situation I am the bigger person.  I won’t tell names or hand out other people’s secrets to detract from mine.  I will conduct myself with the same realistic non-judgmental leanings as I always have. 

Okay I might be today’s big news but tomorrow I will be surrounded by people who love me.  I may give you some sick satisfaction today but I hope tomorrow you wake up with a bad taste in your mouth and regrets that you could have conducted your business a little better instead of getting involved in mine.  I am surrounded by a wealth of love, family and friends and in the end that is all that matters to me anyway. 

Gossip big people because tomorrow it might be you getting the tongue lashing.  I have brought up five tremendous human beings on my own.  I have completed three degree programmes, I have held down several jobs as well.  My shoulders are strong and broad and I will survive this hiccup.  Can you say the same about you. 

Love to you all.

W

Friends indeed

I have not been overrun by a wealth of friendships over the years.  I don’t know if that is because I am hard to get to know or for some other reason but the friends I have have always been there for me.  I grew  up in a huge family and I think family allegiances and politics sometimes got in the way of making friends.  I was always quite shy as a youngster and found it difficult to make that first connection.  The friends I have now are mostly colleagues from work that have grown to be so much more and one friend who I have had for about twenty five years. 

I have also grew quite close to some of the friends of my sisters.  One sister in particular is my best friend, who I tell everything to.  I have come to rely on her in times of need.  Without fail she is one person I know I can trust with everything.  The different routes our lives can take sometimes mean that a lot of time passes without talking to each other but generally I know if I need her she is there for me and I hope she knows the feeling is mutual.  

I have been feeling the benefit of these friendships lately.  Just when I think the bottom of my world is about to fall through one of these good friends of mine pops up exactly when I need them.  I am really lucky in having cultivated these relationships and I feel a little less alone in the world because of them. 

W

Emergency shop

Why do kids have to grow so quickly? I had to make a mercy dash for some clothes shopping as my thirteen year old decided to outgrow most of his clothes overnight.  This in the same month that I have to replace all his school clothes.  I had a lovely day walking round shops with him but by the time I got home and was ready to go to work I could really have done with a long nap.  My hay fever reached crisis point this morning too and I had to part with a small fortune for eye drop and sunglasses.  I walked out of the shop with my sunglasses on and watched the sun disappear behind some clouds.  Turns out there is a whole weeks worth of rain waiting to fall.

I had to replace my docking system for my ipod because I have worn out the first one.  I have actually spent the last week without music blaring in my ears at every available opportunity.  I have been feeling lost without it.  I will remedy that situation tonight so my ipod will be fully charged and ready for the new day.  I will be back in dancing mode tomorrow.  It is like losing half of my soul to spend a day without music.

I am slowly spending more time on myself.  I have decided that tomorrow is the first day of my new eat healthy and exercise regime.  I am in dire need of feeling healthier, getting a little more spring in my step and just improving my general health levels.  Apart from running after my numerous children and grandchildren I have been partaking in very little physical activity and it is getting increasingly difficult to get out of the house for long dog walks.  My kids all finish up school on friday so my free time will then be nonexistant.  I need to devise a plan that includes my kids so I can get my exercise whilst looking after them at the same time. 

As my house has been under construction for the last few months I have no dedicated space for writing or breathing.  I have a once in a lifetime opportunity for chasing my dream, following my creative urges and actually getting some self worth out of my life and I am still sitting in this hovel trying desperately to sort my house out.  Trying to decorate a house filled with children when I am attempting to hold down a job and start a relationship.  I think something may have to give but am not really ready to give anything up yet. 

I am having a film night as I am tired from running about all day.  I am comfort eating my kids sweets like my life depended on it.  Please someone get those packets of sweets away from me. 

W

 

Hay Fever is killing me

I have been suffering from hay fever all my life really but the past couple of years I have been fooled into thinking it is going away as I have had hardly any symptoms.  I think my body has been hoarding all the pollen just for it to descend on me this last few days.  I am sitting writing this through a stream of runny eyes and an endless supply of snot ( attractive I know but I am just trying to describe a fraction of the misery it causes me).  Over the counter remedies don’t really scrape the surface in dealing with it.  My doctors advice once was to stay in the house all summer with windows and door firmly closed.  This is fine advice if you-

a) don’t have kids

b) don’t have any friends

c) don’t have to work

d) don’t have to eat

like a lot of doctor advice – I could have asked anyone in the street for a better cure and got a much better answer.

I have been preoccupied lately.  I had some major decisions to make but I think fate has other things planned for me.  I will divulge more in the coming weeks but I have been dealt a sideways blow that could either help or hinder me.  I do feel that most things happen for a reason and I just need to reassess my situation and take everything in my stride.

On the relationship front I am still getting along swimmingly with the man of my dreams at the moment.  I have not felt this happy for a long time so long may it continue.  What I am worried about is the way relationships seem to cause me to forget myself for a moment.  It is a constant battle for me to keep vigilantly reminding myself that I matter and that I should look after myself.  If I can’t look after myself then how can I look after anyone else?

I need to leave myself one  hundred little post it notes everywhere, on my locker at work, on the back of my toilet door, in the fridge, on my mirror, anywhere I look on a daily basis just to remind me that I am important.  I am deserving of my own attention.  I have noticed that the happier I am the happier my kids seem to be.  This needs more investigation but I am hopefully on the right track now.  I have never felt so lucky as I do now because I seem to have many people rooting for me to do well.

I had a tiny set back today as I was talking to someone who said that maybe being a mother is what I am destined to be, (like that is the sum of my worth) I was totally taken aback with horror.  Yes I truly love my kids and would do anything to keep them safe and happy but I do not think that is all I have achieved with my life.  I wish I could get one negative comment every day because they spur me on to do some unbelievably fulfilling things.  The glib comment from this woman made me determined to keep chasing my dreams, keep hope in my heart and just keep fighting against small mindedness wherever I go.

I am going to watch a movie and hopefully will feel enlightened for doing so.

W

Night off

I have been busy all week trying to get my house in order.  There is so much work to do but I only have one pair of hands.  My son has been giving me a lot of help but it is still a heavy slog.  I laid two carpets this week which went okay; and for a first time carpet fitter I think I did okay.  The skills you learn as a single mother are never ending.  I have some catching up with people to do.  I feel like I have been stuck in my own house for weeks.

Saturday morning will be spent shopping for clothes for my eight year old daughter. Sunday I have a date with Macbeth in the Tramway Theatre in Glasgow.  I love a little bit of culture for my sunday afternoon.  Oh how I have missed it so.  My brain is desperate for some stimulation.  It is crying out for a little attention.  I think I have been a little crabby lately because my brain is missing some input.  I hope sunday will go a little way to rebalancing out my brain.

As I have been so busy lately I seem to have been putting my own needs to the back of the queue again.  It does not take very long for me to forget that I am a person with feelings and needs.  I have not been writing at all either.  This seems to be the first thing to fall by the wayside and I really need to priortise better. Writing is the thing that keeps me sane, it helps me to sort out problems, it helps me to clear out the clutter in my head and it is a great source of creative energy for me.  I need to pencil in some writing time every day.  It is urgent that I keep the momentum going. 

Tonight is a night off but tomorrow I will spend time with my kids, I will set aside time to write something – anything.  I will not make any plans beyond that. One day at a time.

W

It is tuesday a…

It is tuesday and apart from working for three hours I have lots of work planned.  I have been doing my usual catch up on washing and housework.  I have my eight year old daughter’s bedroom to get sorted today.  I have two carpets to lay, I have my garden to sort out which means trimming my huge hedge and totally gutting the whole of my garden which has been neglected since we moved in here over eight years ago.

Even just writing out that list makes me tired.  I have lots of writing projects to get stuck into and these have been sitting by the wayside because there have been more pressing engagements.  On a positive note my kids have been to school on time for the last week and a half and no major fights or obstacles stopping them from getting to school.  This has been made easier with my five year old sons obsession with double decker buses.

The work in the house has been non existant for over a week now.  It has been getting me down but there are only so many hours in the day.  I am struggling a little because I have been making a conscious effort to spend a little time with my kids.  The school holidays are starting soon and I am awaiting them with real dread because getting childcare sorted when I am supposed to be working is getting more and more difficult. It stresses me out something rotten. 

I need to break down all the tasks I have to do into small manageable chunks because if I try to look at the bigger picture it makes me feel sick.  My house feels like a building site at the moment.  My kids don’t seem to have much to look forward to but the house was almost an emergency.  Hopefully this time next year I will be able to look back and see that all the work was worth the effort. That day seems a really long way off at the moment.

One job at at a time is the way to go for now. 

W

We have lift off.

My internet connection is now back up and running.  It means that I can get back into my writing.  My blog has been empty for soo long and I have totally missed the cathartic expression of my feelings that comes with this blog.  I feel like I have been missing a little part of my self.  Just the action of writing and getting my thoughts and feelings down on this blog allows me to stop carrying the daily baggage with me. 

This week however has given me a bit of a high.  Apart from the usual hating work (depressingly unable to do the job i know I am capable of) I am not focusing on these things any more.  My job is just now a means to an end but plans are afoot to take up a new challenge and maybe a huge career change.  In this respect I am feeling really positive because I have switched off emotionally from a job that was a truly negative influence on my life.  I am looking forward and nothing will stop me from facing up to the challenges ahead of me.

I am also getting lots of time to spend with my children.  I have a great day when the weans get up in a good mood and we have lots of interesting conversations, we laugh constantly and days are better when I get to see the light of excitement in my kids eyes.  I hope my kids have a similar lust for life as I do.  I have made a conscious decision to spend time with myself every day.  I have a lot of thoughts, stories and feelings that I carry around with me daily and writing is the vehicle I have for creating new possibilities for myself. 

I have been having a love affair with myself.  I have low days as everyone else does but I have had a few hang ups that have been repeatedly getting in my way. In some ways I was stopping myself from progressing as I procrastinate and put things off.  Some times I just feel really scared to put myself out there emotionally and let my fear control my actions.  For some reason turning forty has made some drastic changes in my life. 

I have got to a point in my life where I am no longer willing to let others decide my fate.  Life is too short to spend it being terrified of failure and it is time to get doing the thing I love.  I can’t hide behind courses and studying anymore.  I think this fear had also corrupted my view of myself, relationships and my own self-worth but now I am going to embrace the possibilities in everything.

Turning forty has also brought certain people into my life.  I have realised how important friends are and I am able to spend time with my best friend in a way we never could have previously.  We walk, talk, lunch and go for nights out together.  My friendships at work have also taken off to a new level and I have dear dear friends there that I hope to be in touch with forever.  There has also been another change (shock horror) I have been spending time with a certain guy, someone I would never have guessed in a million years would have liked me as much as he does.  This interest sort of came at me from the side and knocked me off my feet.  It is very early days but I have never felt this attracted to anyone.  I am acting like a lovesick teenager even though I spend a lot of time with him.  I have also felt very emotionally ready for this (which was unexpected) as I have worked through certain personal demons.  I will divulge more as time goes on.  I dont want to jinx anything as I like him an awful lot.  

Heres to looking forward.

W

Working my way back to me.

I have been in a sort of limbo for the last few weeks.  I have been applying for jobs, getting over the end of my student career (even if only temporarily), coming to terms with the end of my career and been immersing myself in a full-on love affair with myself.  I have been absent from almost every social networking site as I have been going through this process.  I have come to a conclusion that I will be deleting one of my accounts as it detracts me from really living my life.  I will still be blogging and tweeting but everything else is just a vacuum that sucks the life out of me.  I am fed up of spending three or four hours at a time typing away my life with nothing to show for it at the end. 

I have been spending time with my kids, in the beginning the stress of everything was too much and tempers were frayed.  Now that I have had time to be more present with all of my kids I feel like I am getting back in touch with my maternal side.  I have been focussed on getting a new job and have been neglecting other aspects of my life but now I feel like I am back on track.  I am taking time to enjoy life again.  I am taking a moment to be with my kids, be with myself and just enjoy being me for a little while.  i have re-connected with my best friend and we have become ladies who lunch.  This is not my usual pace of life but it has been good to take things a little easier.

Now I have been reading a little, watching movies (some that have made me cry like a baby) and just taking pleasure in the simpler side of life.  It has taken me a long time getting to this stage.  I have made a mental note to keep reflecting on life over the summer and maybe some answers will come my way.  I am hoping to have a good summer with the weans and just relax a little.  I have forgotten how to relax and I think my health and mental wellbeing needs me to retrain myself to switch off from the stresses of life. 

I still have computer problems at home and will post as often as possible.  I miss my daily blog.

W

Monday blues

I am writing this in a blur of tiredness.  I can’t string two thoughts together, my head feels numb and even simple tasks are done clumsily because I am so tired.  My kids have been playing up on the way to school again.  In the effort it takes to get them to school it totally zaps my energy.  I am feeling a little lost and directionless today.  Sometimes things seem harder if I don’t have a goal to reach for.  I am in limbo – trying to decide which way to go.

I have picked up a few more shifts at work lately but this week I really wish I had no extra hours.  I have so many other things I could be doing with my time.  I have things to prepare for but because I am working so much and my kids are playing up I really could do with some rest time.  Saying this – I don’t really know what to do with rest time – I don’t know how to rest properly.  I think my emotions are on a knife edge because i am so tired today.  

I need to get a little energy boost, I need to find something to light up my day now that my course has finished, I need to find some focus in my life.  I need to stop talking and start looking to see what is best for me.  I am going to switch off my brain for the night, I am going to put on some relaxing music and just lie in the darkness and quiet of my room and let my brain wander.  I have been stifling my creative juices and need to do something about it as soon as possible.  I think tomorrow will be a good day to start.

W