New year, new you or so they say. Over the last few days some changes were forced into my life and so today I am just going to make some sense of them. Do you know what its like when you have put a lot of your trust, feelings, emotions, love, care, time and effort into someone and they turn around at a crucial time and let you down? Do you know what it feels to have something that holds you together, makes everything in the world seem okay, grounds you to the earth and life? Do you know what it feels like to have that taken away in one violent outburst, one second of real hatred and anger directed at you and the one person in the world you thought wouldn’t let you down whips your feet from under you? Well that sort of sums up my weekend.
Three years is not a huge amount of time in relation to a lot of relationships but for me it was three years of feeling more alive than I ever have. Living life in a way that felt right and true even though to others it was not. Searching your heart and deciding to go with it, embracing everything we shared and letting it wash over me in a wave of happiness and just being able to feel like someone cherished me. Giving myself permission to be open, to let someone in to see the real me. Opening up myself to the richness that love can bring into your life. Today though it is clear that this has all ended. I have been to a place where this person revealed themselves to be nothing like the person I thought they were.
I have opened my eyes today. I am sad, devastated, bereft, inconsolable and hurt. Every day I hope brings a little less pain, a little less of the sensation of being ripped in half. I am sad now but anger will come and eventually I will see past it all and hopefully come out the other side. It doesnt take a genious to know that everyone goes through this kind of pain at some point in their lives. Sometimes it seems like I have had more than my fair share of it. My plan of action now is this;
1) take some time to grieve – let the pain out
2) get back to being busy with life
3) walk my dog for miles as often as possible
4) listen to music everyday – preferably loud
5) surround myself with people who care about me
6) write write write
7) write some more
8) squeeze something good out of everyday
9) squeeze love into everyday ( loving my kids, my grandkids and self love)
10)turn all these emotions into writing projects
11) writing is therapy – there may be some angry poems on the way
12) stay open to possibilities
For now I am going to step away from my computer, switch on some sad songs, write down my feelings, cry a lot, watch some sad movies, eat too much chocolate, cry a little more and then one day soon I am going to get a grip. Life is too short to waste feeling sad about someone who made me less of a person every hour I spent in their company. It is too short to let other people define who I am. It is too short to waste another second thinking about someone who clearly never had the emotional intelligence to be straight with anyone in his life.
Heres to a better tomorrow.