Brand New Eyes

Today I will be opening my eyes and taking a good look at the world.

You make my life brand new

I wonder if the world moves in line with the tide.  Do moods change as easily as the weather?  Somedays everything just falls into place whilst other days leave me stressed out, on edge, ready for tears.  Today I have felt like the calmest person in the world.  As everyone around me is freaking out I seem to be the only person who is not buying into the drama – I feel removed from the pressure, detached.  It is a very good feeling knowing that I do not let myself get dragged into each disagreement that crosses my path.  In a world filled with hormones, feelings, emotions and drama I manage to sometimes keep myself afloat without the need to take part in all the palaver that brings itself to my door.

Certain people manipulate the air around them in an attempt to get everyone to sit up and take notice when really they are quite insignificant in the big scheme of things.  Today I have taken a step back. Life really is too short to let miniscule arguments upset your day.  I have watched people squirrel around this whirlwind of activity and I am glad I am not getting swept along in its wake.

I am remembering what and who is important.  I have had a good day with my babies.  Spent time talking to them and hopefully listening to them.  My week is filled with promise.  I am hoping for something good to look forward to.  After Thursday’s shift at work I will be off work for ten glorious days.  I am hoping for good enough weather to escape into the countryside with my kids or for really bad weather so we all snuggle up in the warmth of the house and watch movies.  There is nothing better than getting home and changing into jammies and bringing blankets downstairs so we can all snuggle.  My kids and me all love hot chocolate and that drink warms our hearts.  Nothing better than the expectation of being cold outside but knowing that when you get home the glow of warmth at just being in the same room with family, sharing the simple moments of watching tv or movies together makes for a brilliant day. 

I love the changes in the weather, I walked to the hill today with my friend and we stood and discussed the shift in the air from the top of my hill.  My friend did not want to walk that far but I told her that the difference she will feel at the top of the hill would clear her head and her heart.  Sure enough when we got there she felt better.  We discussed the wind, how freeing it is.  We discussed the mushrooms that seem to have sprouted everywhere.  We discussed the joy of looking back on the town where we live and how small and insignificant it looks in the distance, how small its opinions and views seem when you see it from our vantage point.  I know not everyone would enjoy walking in the same direction as I do as regularly as I do but something about that walk connects me to a million other things.

I have a degree in history and something about walking to the broch makes me feel connected on a whole new level.  I want to know all I can about the circumstances surrounding its existence.  I have a respect for its historical value and the atmosphere it brings to my walk.  I absolutely love that place.  It has reawakened my thirst for history and information.  This walk on a daily basis rejuvenates my soul.  I walk up there and within minutes I feel mentally younger, my lungs feel full and my heart is warmed with the brightness this walk brings to my day.  It is my little bit of heaven, watching the world go by, taking a moment to just be.  The place also reawakens my love for the written word, I am on a mission to capture the essence of the place in word form.  I have not managed it yet but I am working on idealising the place in a poem or some prose.  The senses are deluged with colour, air, freshness, light, oxygen, smells and I cannot break the hold that the place has over me.   

Today was a good day.

 

W

Walking on sunshine

This morning was glorious, me and the dog, in sync, walking happily in the sun, him diving in the river and running free, me watching him and smiling.  Walking up hills, through mud, over fields, over gorse bushes, through ferns, through trees, up hills, over bridges into the horizon.  Not a care in the world, not a thought in my head, not a worry, not a single stressful thing.  Absolute heaven – knowing my kids were all settled at school, I had the day off and I could just disappear, let go and be me. 

I become a different person when I am out walking.  I carry myself differently and am carefree.  I have never felt this light in years.  Its a revolution of titanic proportions in my head.  I do not attach myself to every little problem and am fighting like hell (with myself) not to take on the problems of the world.  I actually like myself wholeheartedly when I am out – away from civilisation.  I want to hop, skip and jump, dance, scream, laugh, sing and bounce through my walks.  I feel about twenty pounds lighter and thirty years younger.  Its like walking through that portal takes years off me.  If anyone wants a feel younger quick fix – get a dog and walk, everyday, anywhere.  I feel inspired, youthful and happy.  Dare I say it HAPPY. 

I have never been so ready for life as I am now.  I have beautiful, intelligent children who I love with every fragment of my being but it is only now that I am finding me.  I am seeing through all the responsibility and seeing me – my needs, my opinions, my thoughts and my freedom.  I am working up to liking myself but for now I see glimpses of the me I want to be on my walk.  The me that I really am. 

When I get home I want the television off, meals at the dining table and conversation.  I want to squeeze as much life as I can into every day.  If there is a chance to do something fun and different I am going to say yes.  I am going to jump at opportunities that come my way with vigour and enthusiasm.  Life is far too short to be cooped up waiting for life to happen.  I hope a wee bit of my enthusiasm rubs off on others because I think I may have too much.  Its always good to share.

Woop woop

W 

Dancing in the dark

When I am out walking with my dog this picture sums up how I feel.

It’s my life

I don’t want to get repetitive but this evening was spent out walking with my sister, my daughter and her friend.  The route we took was different from the one we had planned.  It was a local walk not too far from my house but the place we went was quite a significant one.  I had not even thought about it beforehand but once I got on the path it threw up a few surprise memories.

The place we went passed through certain areas that I used to hang out in as a teenager.  It was an area where a lot of misfits congregated together.  None of us were too sporty or popular.  We just talked about music mostly.  Just around the corner from that memory was an embarrassing thought about losing my virginity.  This was not a romantic image in my head but it came back as clear as day.  It made me cringe but then I laughed at the absurdity of it all.  I did enjoy the reminder that I was young once, I got up to stupid things and that I was not always bogged down in responsibility.

My mind was in overdrive and several memories came at me all at once.  I remembered teenage romances I had, differences of opinions with female friends but it also brought to light patterns that have always been in my life.  Even things that I have discussed in my blog were happening as far back as  my teens so this walk opened my eyes to a lot of things.

There was one problem with all this – whilst I was out on the walk I had not taken any writing material with me and I could not even make notes about the thoughts I had, could not capture the memories that had been thrust upon me.   I am sitting here trying to piece together my history.  It was as if I had walked through a portal into the past.  I was flooded with feelings, actions, insecurities and smiled at the idea of my teenage years.

Today I also wrote two poems and since hearing and reading the work of Anis Mojgani it has given me a whole new perspective on writing poetry.  I have been turning thoughts into words and have been looking forward to see what they turn into.  I have decided that it is a field I would like to explore more.  Poetry is like my new indulgence.  I love that I can create something in a few hours that reflects a mood or a thought.  Poetry has become my new therapy and I am revelling in the positivity it has brought into my life.  I feel like I am stealing my life back a line at a time.

W

Give me just a little more time

The last few days I have taken a little rest from blogging because I have been trying to spend a few days with my kids, getting them out in the fresh air for some exercise.  This was great fun apart from the fact my body was rebelling against me.  I have spent the last 24 hours recuperating after a particularly heavy walking session.  My kids acted as if it was just a little stroll while I felt like I had walked to the Himalayas and back.  Will there be a point when this walking palaver gets easier? Will the day come when I don’t get blisters on my blisters?

I have been seeing a few signs lately.  Just things I have noticed in everyday life that are showing me that my life should be taking a diferent path.  I have spent countless hours examining what I am doing with my life, where am I heading, what should be my next move? Probably the same thoughts and feelings everyone has – especially those who are a bit disillusioned with life so far. 

I have been on a self discovery expedition.  After decades of seeing to the needs of several people I have been contemplating what I need.  I have been looking at myself, I have been dissecting my thoughts and feelings in order to make some sense of this crazy life of mine.  I have come to the conclusion that because I was never taught how to put myself first as a child that I seriously did not have the courage to actually feel like I was important. 

I always had dreams but never would I have thought I could achieve any of them.  They were just thoughts that spurred me onto getting out of bed everyday but life grinds you down and you learn to put aside thoughts of yourself.  Or at least I did.  This also probably explains why I have had problems with relationships over the years.  It is hard to be vulnerable and let people in when you have had it ingrained in every ounce of your self that the feelings of others is more important than your own.  I have cultivated a thick skin that not many people get to see behind.  I shoved all those feelings down for so many years that when they could not be contained any longer it felt as if I was swamped by them.  

I have been learning to peel away that hard skin a layer at a time.  I take little steps on a daily basis to let people I care about in.  Its still a new concept but am hopeful that it is worth the effort.  I wake up every day with a clear head, with an open heart and with hope.  Sometimes I think that hope has been the only thing holding me together.  I hope to be eternally hopeful.  Having hope makes life worth waking up to. 

All my life I have been surrounded by music and I think that many times music has saved my life.  When every day seems bleak and worries seem to be getting the better of me – I find music carries me through.  Just now it is the music of the Civil Wars.  The lyrics, the melodies, the songs just keep me calm, keep me grounded.  How bad can life get if I always have a song in my head and some hope in my heart. 

Lately I have been indulging my love of poetry.  I see them as songs without music or songs that accompany the sounds of real life.  I like to read a poem and live with it for a while.  Poetry does not always jump out at you in an obvious way – sometimes you have to dig a little deeper within yourself.  I like to read a poem a couple of times and just let it sit there in my mind.  A poem a day is like a daily meditation. 

I have also reignited my passion for writing poetry.  I do not know if anyone else would appreciate my poems but the clarity that comes from concentrating on what I want to say is like a purging of my soul.  Sometimes my poems are really painful to write, sometimes they are the result of a beautiful view or a lovely experience but for me I get a lot of therapy from writing a poem.  I am finding that writing poetry helps me deal with my emotions in a non-harmful way.  I can vent my feelings in a poem that I wouldn’t want to let go in any other way. 

I wish that I would permit myself to do it more often.  I am still fighting a daily battle to win some time for me.  The only person I am fighting though is myself.  For the first time in a long time I feel like I am finally making progress. 

Here’s to hope.

W

 

 

Running up that hill.

Whenever I walk my dog, I like to walk up this hill.  This hill is quite steep (you might miss how steep because it is not the best photograph) but the first time I walked up her I had to use my inhaler twice.  Once at the bottom and once half way up.  The trick is to keep breathing all the way up.  If I have a conversation with someone or try to talk as I walk when I attempt this hill I always got out of breath.

Now I have been walking up this hill quite a few times and I have stopped panting and puffing all the way up it.  Occasionally when my allergies are bad I feel a little rough at the top but now I feel much healthier as I walk.  I feel a sense of achievement every time I get to the top.  I feel like I am on my way back to fitness every time I drag my self up this hill.  It has become my nemesis. 

I want to eventually be able to run up this hill, if my knees will allow it.  I do not have a perfect weight that I want to get to.  I do not have any idea of how slim I want to be or to be super fit.  I just want to know that I have conquered this particular hill.  It is my health goal to be able to work up to running to the top of the hill.  I went up there with my kids recently and my youngest son – who had declared he hated walking – darted to the top in no time at all. He did not even break a sweat. 

My daughter walked at a steady pace but kept waiting for me to catch up.  I was a wee bit shocked at just how slow I was walking but watching my kids treat this hill as if it was nothing has spurred me on to getting fitter.  Today, when I got to the top I marvelled at how intimidating it seems from the bottom but how well you are rewarded at the top because once you get out of the trees I get the most beautiful panoramic view of the world. 

At the top of this hill I can see the town where I live in the distance – it symbolically frees me on a daily basis.  At the top of the hill – I feel like my stress has just disappeared.  I have shared this walk a few times but I actually think this hill belongs to me.  The act of walking up this hill on my own as often as possible is like a little triumph every time.  I want to run up to the top with The Eye of the Tiger blaring in my ears and celebrate wildly each time I reach the top. 

Some days when I think no one is around – and no one is going to interrupt me I actually do cheer for myself.  It is when I reach the top of the hill that I feel significantly removed from all other human beings that I can relax and sing along to my music, occasionally I have been known to cut a few shapes up there too. 

I hop e every one finds there own little place in the world where they feel like I do on my hill.

W

Do you know where your going to?

I am really looking forward to tomorrow.  My beautiful babies go back to school and I am desperate to get out on a huge solitary walk with my dog.  I need time to switch off from everything.  I need to put this town behind me and spread my wings for a little while.  I am looking forward to walking the dog, taking in the scenery, breathing the fresh air, smelling the flowers and breathing out the tension of my day.  I don’t want to see anyone, speak to anyone or hear anyone.  If you see me I will be the mad woman with the black Labrador, singing and dancing my way round the hills.  I have my ipod charging, my kids are all ready to get back to school and I have a full six hours to just get lost. 

The weather does not bother me.  Personally I am hoping for chilly but dry with a nice strong wind.  The wind clears out my head.  The wind whips my hair up into the air and helps me to concentrate on absolutely nothing at all.  I totally love it.  I have had a great summer holiday with my kids, we spent loads of time together, we did loads of amazing things together but boy am I so ready for a day all to myself. 

I can feel the excitement already.  My kids are actually happy to be going back.  They are ready to see their friends, get used to their new teachers, get back into the school routine.  I am overjoyed at the time we have spent, I am so grateful that we have had such a good summer of sun, walking, talking, reconnecting with each other and relaxing in each others company.  Tomorrow is a new beginning for us all and I am hopeful that we will all enjoy the coming months. 

After my first walk is over I am going to be getting down to work.  There is talk of redundancies at work again and I will not be caught resting on my laurels.  My plans are slowly taking shape and I have a lot of people rooting for me so I do not want to waste a second longer.  The house decorating is back underway, thanks to my friend and as well as taking care of the house I will be taking care of me.  First things first is cranking up my walking schedule.  I may even recruit my kids into joining me now and again. 

I have set myself a few goals – personal and professional and now that everything is written down, cleared out and in its place I can devote more time to achieving some things that I put on the backburner for far too long.  I am finally accepting that the only thing stopping me from getting anywhere – was me.  I am finally accepting that I am procrastinating because of fear and I wont let that hold me back anymore.  I am so ready to get to work I think I may actually burst.

Onwards and upwards.

W

Its a Family Affair

The photograph I have attached here is the only photograph I know of that included all of my family.  The only picture that had all eight of my sisters, my four brothers and my parents as well as myself in it.  After this was taken I don’t think we ever had another group photograph taken. 

 This photo is really dated, everyone in the picture is now an adult or are sadly no longer with us so I just wanted to pay homage to the family I grew up in.  Okay there was a lot of hardship, many arguments, various fights and dramas over the years but I would not change any of them for a second.  My family is full of larger than life individuals, all of us are unique and we have all taken very different paths in life.  Not everything in life is perfect but my family would always be there for me, they would always look out for each other. 

The outfits are ancient and ugly, the hair is magnificent in its absurdity and the overdose of brown hues are actually quite painful on the eyes but I can see past that and see the strong people I grew up with, the love shared between us all.  I was just young at the time and did not really understand what was going on but the fact we were all together was not lost on me. 

I feel inspired to go and take loads of photographs of me with all my kids and grandkids.  I don’t want them to only have one photo to remember what our family life was like.  I want them to have pictorial proof that they have people who care for them.  I want them to be proud of our family unit.  I want them to see how happy I am to be their mum and granny.  Most of all I want them to have smiling pictures to show that we had good times even though money has never been in abundance.  As this old photograph shows, what we didn’t have in monetary terms we more than made up in family.  It was a blessing to be surrounded by all these wonderful human beings and also to have created even more. 

W