The last few days I have taken a little rest from blogging because I have been trying to spend a few days with my kids, getting them out in the fresh air for some exercise. This was great fun apart from the fact my body was rebelling against me. I have spent the last 24 hours recuperating after a particularly heavy walking session. My kids acted as if it was just a little stroll while I felt like I had walked to the Himalayas and back. Will there be a point when this walking palaver gets easier? Will the day come when I don’t get blisters on my blisters?
I have been seeing a few signs lately. Just things I have noticed in everyday life that are showing me that my life should be taking a diferent path. I have spent countless hours examining what I am doing with my life, where am I heading, what should be my next move? Probably the same thoughts and feelings everyone has – especially those who are a bit disillusioned with life so far.
I have been on a self discovery expedition. After decades of seeing to the needs of several people I have been contemplating what I need. I have been looking at myself, I have been dissecting my thoughts and feelings in order to make some sense of this crazy life of mine. I have come to the conclusion that because I was never taught how to put myself first as a child that I seriously did not have the courage to actually feel like I was important.
I always had dreams but never would I have thought I could achieve any of them. They were just thoughts that spurred me onto getting out of bed everyday but life grinds you down and you learn to put aside thoughts of yourself. Or at least I did. This also probably explains why I have had problems with relationships over the years. It is hard to be vulnerable and let people in when you have had it ingrained in every ounce of your self that the feelings of others is more important than your own. I have cultivated a thick skin that not many people get to see behind. I shoved all those feelings down for so many years that when they could not be contained any longer it felt as if I was swamped by them.
I have been learning to peel away that hard skin a layer at a time. I take little steps on a daily basis to let people I care about in. Its still a new concept but am hopeful that it is worth the effort. I wake up every day with a clear head, with an open heart and with hope. Sometimes I think that hope has been the only thing holding me together. I hope to be eternally hopeful. Having hope makes life worth waking up to.
All my life I have been surrounded by music and I think that many times music has saved my life. When every day seems bleak and worries seem to be getting the better of me – I find music carries me through. Just now it is the music of the Civil Wars. The lyrics, the melodies, the songs just keep me calm, keep me grounded. How bad can life get if I always have a song in my head and some hope in my heart.
Lately I have been indulging my love of poetry. I see them as songs without music or songs that accompany the sounds of real life. I like to read a poem and live with it for a while. Poetry does not always jump out at you in an obvious way – sometimes you have to dig a little deeper within yourself. I like to read a poem a couple of times and just let it sit there in my mind. A poem a day is like a daily meditation.
I have also reignited my passion for writing poetry. I do not know if anyone else would appreciate my poems but the clarity that comes from concentrating on what I want to say is like a purging of my soul. Sometimes my poems are really painful to write, sometimes they are the result of a beautiful view or a lovely experience but for me I get a lot of therapy from writing a poem. I am finding that writing poetry helps me deal with my emotions in a non-harmful way. I can vent my feelings in a poem that I wouldn’t want to let go in any other way.
I wish that I would permit myself to do it more often. I am still fighting a daily battle to win some time for me. The only person I am fighting though is myself. For the first time in a long time I feel like I am finally making progress.
Here’s to hope.