Been gone too long

I have been writing a love letter tonight, I wanted to feel connected to someone and pour out my heart onto the page.  I have not sent this letter I just wanted to feel that there was someone out there who would eventually fit the bill and I needed to exorcise some romance demons.  The letter was really a letter to myself to let me now that I am capable of feeling, capable of receiving and deserving a little love.  I live in a bubble of my life, I very rarely venture out of that bubble.  This is due to time constraints, money being in short supply and just not having anyone to share momentous occasions with apart from my kids so I thought for one night only that I would make-believe that my fantasy guy was real, that I could write a love letter and send it out into the universe. 

After writing this letter I realised that I have a life, I have an abundance of love, I have real gut-wrenching moments of pure love in my life.  These moments do not come to me in a conventional sense but they exist nonetheless.  I have a love of family.  I hope if nothing else from writing my blog that my love for my kids comes shining through.  I have a love of life – yes things are hard but I snatch moments of pure unadulterated joy out of life be it walking with my dog, listening to my baby grandsons laugh with abandon, my baby boys bug hugs, my daughters snuggle times in my bed when we read and chat like an old married couple.  I have a special remarkable, wonderful view of the world that makes me smile, makes me sit up and take notice on a daily basis. 

I have spent so much time cramming information into my head, studying, sitting exams, learning new facts that I lost the ability to just be.  I felt heart broken and deserted once I stepped off that learning train.  I lost the essence of who I was, the core of my being revolved around all these courses, the buzz from learning.  It has taken me almost a year but today I am finally realising that it is okay to be me.  It is okay to be on my own with nothing to do except live my life.  My head space is getting less crammed every day – it is freeing me up to indulge my love of writing so that encouraged me to write this letter of love. 

I did not write this letter in hope of a reply, I did not write it because I need to be validated by a significant other I just wanted to see if I could capture my idea of romance, my image of what love is.  It was an exercise in writing that made me understand there is more than one way to experience love.  There is more than one way to express love.  There is more than one way to feel love. 

I hope right at this moment in time everyone feels, sees, experiences a little love in their life no matter what form it comes in. 



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