You’re more than a number in my little red book.

I have been elusively silent this last little while because I have been struggling with a bout of low self esteem.  I have been letting myself get bogged down in too much negative energy.  I am supposed to be on holiday from work but for some reason this coincided with a huge lull in my mood.  This also coincides with my inability to do my normal solitary walks but I don’t think that is totally to blame.  Some times I just get filled with total all-encompassing self doubt.  I have been filled with a dread at the thought of writing anything.  I have been trapped at home because of weather and other elements and it has taken to today to make me feel like I could drag myself out of the doldrums.

I have been dreaming about some me time, some time to do something out of the ordinary, something to make me wake up and see that I need to grab life with both hands.  I have been reading books by John Green and these seem to be helping to pick up my mood.  These novels are really well written and make me want to write better.  I have only this last few minutes got back the urge to write my little heart out.  My two youngest kids are on sleepovers and I have had my nights television dictated to me by my brother and my eldest son.  From this moment on I will be taking control back of my own life.

Tomorrow depends on the weather.  If I can get out I will be walking somewhere, anywhere.  I have spent a week down in the dumps due to a situation that I cannot change but the way I have reacted to it meant that I was low, sad, depressed.  Today I am stepping out of that scenario and taking my life back.  Why I takes me so long to get a grip I will never know.  I also realise that I should never make plans because they very rarely work out. 

Tonight I will be sitting up to the wee hours grounding myself back in the essence of me.  I am going to read over my recent work, read over my favourite stories by other authors and immerse myself in those things that make me who I am.  My kids are away so I can indulge myself, I can relax, chill and re-energise myself and god knows I have been needing this.  I also think that the negativity creeps up on me because I have not been away for my kids or work for a very long time.  I cannot remember the last time I was able to let my hair down.  I cannot remember the last time that I was allowed a night of fun without responsibility.  Months of having no me time, no time out with friends or family has taken its toll on me and today I have been really feeling the weight of that on me.

I am hoping that tomorrow I will be walking a little lighter.  I hope for something to look forward to.

W

 

 

 

Its all coming back to me

I have had a day where everything seemed to have lost its sparkle.  Apart from enjoying spending time with my kids I had been inundated with feelings of a great nothingness.  There was no interest in my day or the tasks I carried out.  I have been overwhelmed with a need to hide – get back into bed and pull the covers over my head.  This was all until I got a surprising message on a well-known social media site.

Out of the blue I got a little burst of understanding from someone I have only known for a short time but who has made a huge impact on my life.  If ever I needed a friend it was today.  I get a bit melancholic every now and again.  I thought I had dealt with a few of my issues but it turns out they are just hanging around waiting for the most inconvenient time to resurface.  I knew things were creeping up on me but for someone else to recognise the signs – it really took me aback.

The one thing that really impacted on my day was the fact that I did not do my daily walk before work.  I did not have that little bit of time to empty my head.  I missed watching my dog run free, missed him living in the moment.  My dog has become a symbol for my own happiness and I see my own mood reflected in him.  So I actually missed me today.  It was as if I had switched myself off.

So instead of analysing my mood, my minor depression, my feeling low – I am going to think about tomorrow and the differences I am going to make.

1.  I am visualising my dog, almost smiling, tongue out -ears back tail wagging, running with abandon.

2.  I am visualising the hill (my hill) and I am running up it – the cold air in my lungs, the burning pain of exertion but also the elation of getting to the top.

3.  I am breathing fresh air in and breathing out all the negative particles.

4.  I am going to look in the mirror and like being me.

5.  I am winning the fight with my walking – I will speed up tomorrow and try and cut ten minutes off my walking time but doing the same circuit.

6.  I am counting on at least one interesting person coming into work.  One query out of the norm.

7.  I am visualising getting active with my kids after dinner.  Burning some calories and turning up the fun.

8. I am seeing a little patch of time to write one poem.

9.  I am seeing kids in bed early and me turning off the television and writing 2,000 words.

10.  I am going to set daily goals to keep me on track.

This post has been brought to you by an almost depressed me and the support of my friend A.  Lets see how well I will stick to the plan.  Looking forward now.  Yes the issues will always be there but I am going to kick my arse into gear.  It is about time.

W