I have been elusively silent this last little while because I have been struggling with a bout of low self esteem. I have been letting myself get bogged down in too much negative energy. I am supposed to be on holiday from work but for some reason this coincided with a huge lull in my mood. This also coincides with my inability to do my normal solitary walks but I don’t think that is totally to blame. Some times I just get filled with total all-encompassing self doubt. I have been filled with a dread at the thought of writing anything. I have been trapped at home because of weather and other elements and it has taken to today to make me feel like I could drag myself out of the doldrums.
I have been dreaming about some me time, some time to do something out of the ordinary, something to make me wake up and see that I need to grab life with both hands. I have been reading books by John Green and these seem to be helping to pick up my mood. These novels are really well written and make me want to write better. I have only this last few minutes got back the urge to write my little heart out. My two youngest kids are on sleepovers and I have had my nights television dictated to me by my brother and my eldest son. From this moment on I will be taking control back of my own life.
Tomorrow depends on the weather. If I can get out I will be walking somewhere, anywhere. I have spent a week down in the dumps due to a situation that I cannot change but the way I have reacted to it meant that I was low, sad, depressed. Today I am stepping out of that scenario and taking my life back. Why I takes me so long to get a grip I will never know. I also realise that I should never make plans because they very rarely work out.
Tonight I will be sitting up to the wee hours grounding myself back in the essence of me. I am going to read over my recent work, read over my favourite stories by other authors and immerse myself in those things that make me who I am. My kids are away so I can indulge myself, I can relax, chill and re-energise myself and god knows I have been needing this. I also think that the negativity creeps up on me because I have not been away for my kids or work for a very long time. I cannot remember the last time I was able to let my hair down. I cannot remember the last time that I was allowed a night of fun without responsibility. Months of having no me time, no time out with friends or family has taken its toll on me and today I have been really feeling the weight of that on me.
I am hoping that tomorrow I will be walking a little lighter. I hope for something to look forward to.