Its a new day, its a new dawn

Well what a metamorphosis has taken place over night.  I slept badly, tossing and turning over the dilemma that is my life.  I know that life is full of choices and I let someone take away my choices for a little while.  Not intentionally but sometimes if you want something so badly you will adjust your behaviour in order to fit in with that persons ideal of you.  I realised I have been trying to fit with someone else instead of living my life for me.  It has been an epiphany of a day – I usually don’t get that carried away from my true self but at least I am aware of how much I was changing into a person I did not like.  It is as if I have been hypnotised and someone has clicked their fingers and I am finally back in the room.  

Maybe it was the time I had without my two littlest babies, I have been stressed over their behaviour for a little while that I was finding my own escape in this other person.  One night without them however and I feel like light has been breathed into my soul.  As a  single parent I try my hardest on a daily basis to keep my kids on the straight and narrow path but lately I was not enjoying being a mother.  I felt like my kids were sucking some of the life out of me.  Hopes and dreams had been put aside because my kids were demanding all of my attention.  I think it is these hopes and dreams that keep my head above water mentally.  I think if I can see a little light for me at the end of the tunnel then I know things will be okay but for a long time now I was losing sight of my goals and losing sight of me.   

The biggest choice I have made today is to wake up and get busy.  I cannot automatically snap my fingers and wish for more money, more time, more of everything so I will stop thinking along those lines and I will focus on my writing, I will schedule in time every day – even if I have to wait till my kids are all tucked up in bed to do so.  I have also made the choice to live my life as best as I can.  If I get a chance for a night out I am going to take it.  I am opening up myself to new experiences and a whole new outlook on life.  I feel positive and energised today.  I feel purposeful and lighter.  I feel like I have been freed in some way.

I hope this new positivity stays around for a while.  I like it.

W

When i find myself in times of trouble

Today was a mixed day.  Kids were all over the place, fighting one minute then best friends the next.  I have been a moody cow for the duration of the weekend.  My walks are sorely missed on days when I am trapped by work and responsibilities.  Back to work tomorrow – but I have about four hours in the morning to just disappear.  I cant wait.  I am working from one till eight and I know by the ends of my shift I am going to be dead on my feet. 

The aim will be to get my weans and then myself off to bed by half nine.  I am longing for my bed at the moment.  I have been enjoying my own personal space less and less these days.  The clutter from the rest of my house has been deposited in my room and at the moment it is not a place I want to spend any time in.  I am free from Thursday till Monday net week so hopefully I will be able to utilise one of those days to clear out everything and make a fresh start.  I am still dementedly writing poetry.  I feel like an addict, scribbling away on scrap bits of paper, old jotters, the backs of letters and any spare bit of paper. 

I keep finding half written poems or thoughts in my pockets when I get home from work or when I am out shopping.  I don’t really want it to end because I have found a newfound friend in poetry.  I love it.  My kids might be a little put out because I need to keep telling them to keep quiet for a few minutes till I jot things down.  Who knew I would find poems so exhilarating.

I think part of the fascination is because it is taking my mind off a certain relationship that pains me at the moment.  I am pouring my feelings out onto the page and not carrying it all around with me so much.  I am fed up of being a pack horse to my feelings.  I am learning that writing things down is taking power over them and it is very cathartic. 

The biggest difference in me that I can see is that even though I am a moody cow, I am expressing my feelings, I am expelling the doubt, the self loathing and other disastrous emotions and have been feeling a general wellness that has been a long time coming.  I just need to practice it more often and I will turn my life around completely.  I have been reconnecting with myself and am trying to put action behind my intentions.  I am trying to live the life that will make me happy instead of miserable.  Things are going okay for once and it is all down to the work I am putting in to me.

W