Gotta get out of this place

I have spent the last two weeks suffering from mental anguish.  I have been crippled with feelings of low self esteem, low mood and this eventually made me ill.  The loneliness of having to deal with raising all my kids on my own is a HUGE responsibility.  I have been faced with the most stressful three weeks of my parenting years.  I have totally struggled to keep myself together over the last three weeks.  I feel like all non essential tasks were shut down because my brain was concentrating so hard on my biggest problem. 

To top all of the stress surrounding my kids, my money issues all compounded with a few bills going up just before Christmas.  I went back to basics and stopped all non-crucial bills and even at that money is going to be very tight for the foreseeable future.  I sometimes think – will today be the day when everything gets too much OR is today the day when something good is going to happen?  I am ever hopeful that something good will happen but most likely is that things just get more difficult.

I have been asked to go on a night out on Saturday with four couples but what lone parent wants to be surrounded by happy couples.  I just cant stomach this at the moment.  I am in dire need of some time out.  I have been drowning in my own company for so long that I don’t even think I could make polite conversation.  I don’t think I even have anything I would want to talk about.  I feel like I need to lay in a darkened room for a few hours just learning how to breath again.  This last three weeks I have gone from stress, to anguish, to being upset and back to stress again.  Is it any surprise my brain shut down?

My kid stress has been sorted out for the time being but that situation can change at any moment.  I am looking forward to a family dinner on Saturday with all my kids.  I had to take three days off my work because I was suffering from some virus and for all three days I did exactly nothing.  I slept the first two days away.  Today I just sat and watched mindless quizzes on tv.  I have sorted out a little of my Christmas shopping and feel a little less panicked about it than I did last year.  I still have my youngest son’s birthday to sort out and I have no clue how I will manage to get his presents.  I have taken no joy from the festive season for the last couple of years because all it represents to me is stress.  This year it will just be a quiet affair with me and my three youngest and it will be a million miles from our usual family filled Christmas. 

I am having a little purge tonight because I have not blogged for a little while.  My blog will hopefully resume as normal soon because it is one thing that makes me feel human, makes me feel like I have someone to talk to when my kids are all in bed.  My dog has been hiding in the house for the last three days due to fireworks and I will be hopefully getting out in the morning with him, maybe go to my hill and sit and look until I feel human again. 

I would be happy with a cold, bright, windy day.  One where the wind blows away all my cares.  Sorry for the rant but I feel better for getting all that stuff off my chest. 

Sleep well.





Just walking the dog.

I have been absent from here for a couple of days.  I had been walking with my dog every day, for a few hours and he had a few sickness incidents but yesterday he went downhill pretty fast, so this morning I had to rush him to the vet just to get checked out.  As it turns out he has probably ingested something on our walks this week and that has made him poorly.  All that added to the stress of being mauled by a lone, angry terrier yesterday has meant my little walking companion has not been feeling very well today. 

After a dose of antibiotics from the vet and a few tiny bland meals he seems to be managing through today even though he looks so fragile.  He is usually so full of life that nothing keeps him down.  He has been getting excited when we get visitors but the lethargy that comes after this exertion leaves him knackered.  Zeke did manage a quick walk today and his tail was wagging but not quite as lively as usual.  I am hopeful that he is now on the mend but I was scared for a little while because he was just so ill.

This has brought a few things to light;

1.  I was terrified that something would happen to him – I felt vulnerable, lonely, scared and a little bit lost to be honest.  I felt the same as I did when my oldest son had his first asthma attack.  Terrified that I would not have his wee happy self to watch on my walks.  Scared that not having him to share my walks would make me not want to walk.  Vulnerable that if I did not have his company then I would lose it altogether.

2.  I have spent months eradicating the stressful things in my life but in one fell swoop I felt it all descend on me again.  I was clenching my teeth, getting headaches and stomach aches with the worry that something really bad was going to happen to my dog.

3.  I realised that I am so lonely that losing my dog would be wholly catastrophic.  If I didn’t have him then who would be my daily company, who would be the one thing that keeps my life on an even keel, who would fill the void that losing zeke would bring into my life?

4.  Zeke is the one thing in my life that loves me unconditionally, he is always pleased to see me, I make him almost as happy as he makes me.  How miserable would my life be without him.

I know some people would read this and think – He is only a dog but to me he is much more.  I made a decision earlier this year that things in my life had to change.  Almost all my ideas about getting fitter and taking back my life depended on me getting out with my dog.  I literally felt like this daft canine companion has saved my life because if I did not turn things around I would be in a much sorrier state.  Our daily walks give me something to look forward to, they give me a reason to get out of bed in the morning, they keep my spirits lifted when usually I go through a rollercoaster of emotions.  Nothing ever gets so bad if I manage to get out to walk with my dog.  I see the world through much brighter perspectives when I have my dog to keep me company. 

I will be looking after him all weekend in the hope that he gets back to his usual boisterous loving self because I feel as if we are connected and if he doesn’t make it then I don’t think my nerves could get over it.  I am going to try sleeping now because last night I was filled with dread as I tried to fall asleep.  Lying in the dark worrying, stressing, fearing that my wee pal was seriously ill – almost made me ill.  Here is hoping tomorrow is a better day for him.  I will keep you all posted.