Tales from the couch – rollercoaster

To be able to blog in the way I want to I like to have calm and a little peaceful head space which has been sadly lacking in my world over the last few days. To recap on whats been happening up until now – I have been relegated to the couch in my living room since my daughter and her kids came to stay with me. It was much easier for me to give up my room for the time being than to make my little kids have to move beds and share. I have become accustomed to sleeping on the couch over the last four or five weeks but I dont know how I will feel if it runs into months and months because I cant see our predicament getting better in the near future.

On saturday night I managed to have a rare night out to visit my sister where I probably drank far too much but I experienced laughter yoga for the first time which helped alleviate my stress levels and made me guffaw with laughter. My face hurt from laughing so much but it lightened my heart a little bit. I actually was asked by a few people how things were going with my daughter and how I was doing and it has been the first time in months that anyone has asked me how I was or that I thought anyone even cared. My mental state was a bit fragile so in between bouts of laughing I got upset, the laughter-crying-morelaughter-and dancing helped me to exorcise all sorts of demons that I have been carryiing around with me. Sunday morning found me feeling very rough but like a weight had been lifted. I tried to monoplise on this feeling and disappeared with my dog to the local hills and the bright sunny day added to the freezing cold wind mixed with the lovely view and smattering of mist to hide the ugliness of my home town made me feel euphoric, healthy and happy. The last few days had been miserable and dreary on the weather front and up in the hills it seemed a world removed from my normal daily routine. It was magical.

I have been settling back into my work routine and have been feeling tired but once back into the swing of things I hope to regain some semblance of my life for myself. I am very aware of the impending festive period and at the moment it looks like we will not be having much of a christmas just because money is really scarce. It is taking all my funds to clothe, feed and keep a roof over our heads. If I do manage to buy anything for my kids it will be because I did not pay my rent or my electricity bill for the next month. I think it is insanity for me to jeopardise our house in this way but the thought of my kids waking up to nothing on christmas day fills me with dread. This thought seems to be permanently in my head at the moment but I am definitely not the only single parent in this situation at this time of year. Christmas is NOT a happy time for me ever.

Today is a day where I turn things around. My head is in a much better place since my mini breakdown on Saturday. I have asked my boss two times to refer me to the work related counselling service but as usual she has failed to deliver anything to make me feel supported at work. I will hopefully find the number myself and arrange something because if I cant support myself then how am I going to be able to support anyone else. I have decided to expand my knowledge of the world so I am starting with a fact finding mission. I have decided that the first country I want to learn about is Russia so the research starts now. I want to keep my brain ticking over because when i get bored then the stress levels get magnified. I am trying to find more time for walking. I am talking to my daughter more so things seem less stressed between us.

Tomorrow is parents might at my kids school and then I have to work late so I am still trying to work out what i should do with my day to keep busy. I dont want to laze my day away. I want every day to be productive, creative, inspirational and educational. If I keep busy then I dont dwell on how stressful things can be. Working on moving forwards. I just need to keep my head in the game.

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