Today has been a miserable drisly day from hell. The sun never came out at all and everything was grey, damp and uninteresting. I sent my kids off to school then snuggled back on the couch to try and hold onto the sleep that I have been craving for the last month. Even though I like to fill my day with something, I just couldnt muster up the energy to care. The curtains in the living room were wide open but for the duration of the day it seemed as if night was just seconds away.
One productive thing that happened is that charity appeared in the most unexpected way and I am seriously hoping that sleeping on the couch will only be necessary for another couple of days. I have grown to love this piece of furniture though. I have learned some respect for the comfort it has offered me lately and also a sense of renewal. My life is always going to be full of ups and downs but sleeping on the couch for a month showed me that I can handle anything. For about the first week I felt emotional about everything. I was pining for the comfort of my own bed, the peace that I had fostered in my own room, the inspiration for my writing that I had plastered all over my bedroom walls.
The second week brought a resignation that I was going to be stuck with the couch for a long time and should really learn to get used to it. I slept better, I had some vivid dreams and everything just felt better. With all the upheaval in the house though I was spending all my time cleaning up after my messy kids, trying to save my dog from all these kids who thought it was okay to chase him, prod him, pull his tail or poke him in the eye. I never had any time to just sit and think.
This week has been a little epiphany of sorts. I have started looking up again. I have been appreciating what I do have in my life. I have been ready to start working to get us out of this hole. I dont yet know how I am going to do it but I have the get up and go now. I have a house full of people who are all looking at me to be the person to solve all their problems and I feel the weight of that everyday. I am mostly looking forward to getting back into my room so that I can dig through all my research and get working again. I have been listening to music again and in my room is the centre of my universe, I have all my music, my books, my own writing. I am desperate to get back into it.
Lets see what tomorrow brings.