Today I have been a little self indulgent. I spent three hours today whilst on my walk concentrating on where I want my writing to go. I wrote a poem last night and posted it on here. I had written it in half an hour and posted the whole first draft, un-edited. So when I was walking in the changeable weather I couldn’t get the piece out of my head. I went over parts in my head, debated over my use of punctuation and considered removing bits or rewriting other parts. Eventually I decided to leave it as it was. I wanted to capture a feeling and out it came – all in one go. It may not be the best poem in the world but it served a purpose for me.
The poem described part of my life and I wanted to just let it be. It may turn out that six months down the line I will change it but for now I want to see it in its entirety. The poem may not be significant to anyone other than me but it marks a crucial turning point in my life. I have now accepted my life as it is, I have made some changes but most of all I am writing. Of course one poem is not the huge cataclysmic life-changing development I have been talking about in my blog but it is the start. I spent a whole morning thinking about writing. I was out walking my dog but this is just the inspiration I have mentioned before. I need the freedom of the outdoors and the solitary aspects of my life in order to switch off the stress and awaken my creative energy.
The symbolism of my kids returning to school, and me resuming my walks is like I have finally gave myself permission to reach for the life I want to have. I do not want huge amounts of money, or lots of expensive possessions. I only want to get on with my life, provide for my kids but to do something for me everyday that I love. To me that would be writing. I am not sure if anyone would want to read what I want to write. I just know that I feel better when I am writing.
My walks with my dog are me breaking free of my old routines. The fresh air clears out the doubt. The health benefits are miraculous because when I feel better internally – I feel better mentally and that is all because of my writing. I have found a way to eradicate (at least for a little while) all the stress that has been taking over my life lately. I have found a doorway to the real me. I am at peace with the person I am and the skills I have. My life is now my own, I have beautiful, healthy kids – I work to pay the bills but I have found something in my life that allows me to be me.
I did not think it would have taken me 41 years to get to this point but better now than never. SO tonight when I switch off my computer I will be writing. When I get home from my walk tomorrow I will be writing. When I am not writing – I will be thinking about writing. I may take a break every now and again to laugh with my kids, curl up and watch movies with them or whatever else makes us happy, I may stop to dance now and again (especially when I feel like no one is looking) and sing at the top of my lungs but at every available opportunity I will be writing.