We’ve only just begun

It is five days until my kids are all back at school.  I have spent a small fortune on shirts, blouses, bags, socks, sports kit etc and at last I can say that I am finished.  I am on holiday from work until next Thursday and I have plans to spend time with my three kids left at home.  I also have my granddaughter visiting for the night.  She is a wee doll and gives me great hugs all the time.  I had planned to get out for some outside adventures – exploring the countryside, visiting the river, bird-watching, collecting unusual stones BUT the rain started and I don’t know if we will get to have that adventure. 

I will try and get out at some point, the rain will not completely hinder us – we could just go out for a trample in the mud, have our own version of the Olympic games in the muddy football pitch just down the road from our house or we could stay in and create marvellous monsters out of recycled rubbish.  Five days left to cram in some fun.  We may even bake some cakes. 

Plans for myself:

I will be planning a walking regime for me, this is my plan for better mental health.  I can cope with anything life throws at me if I keep walking.  I need to keep switching off and breathing in clean air. 

I will be cementing my writing plans.  Once my little darlings are back at school I am getting straight to work, writing as much as is humanly possible.

I will also be reading.  Reading till my head is fit to burst with all the information. 

I will be rationing the television.

I will be more direct, more focussed, more organised.

I know I seem to keep going over the same points quite a lot but reading back over my blog has shown me patterns in my behaviour, patterns in my moods, patterns in the way my life has been going round and round in the same limited circles for a good few years now.  I suppose that is the lot of a single parent – you tend to get bogged down in the responsibility, the paying of bills, the making sure everyone is okay. 

I think that I always felt that I did not have a right to want anything for myself. I have brought up five kids on my own and it has always been left to me to provide everything they needed.  I always looked after people.  I have regularly put myself last.  It has only been this last few years that I have begun to struggle with that idea of myself.  I am quite an educated person but sometimes life grinds me down, work bores me to tears and it has only been due to me making changes (walking) that I begun getting everything into perspective. 

I need to give myself a break.  I need to get a little faith in myself. I need to put everything aside and concentrate on what I want to do.  I have got to show these kids of mine that things are worth working towards.  We all have choices in life – even if sometimes that choice is whether or not to let life get on top of you.  At the moment I am on top of life, I am working towards a future that makes sense to me.  I have taken a while to get my head straightened out but I do feel like this is the perfect time to change things around.

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