I have had a funny old day. I spent the morning chilling out – I finished the book I was reading, I watched a movie ‘The Place Beyond The Pines’ (just for a Ryan Gosling fix) and I went to work. Thursdays are difficult days for a couple of reasons.
1/ When everyone is on there way home from work I am just on my way to mine.
2/ I have to trust my kids dad to watch them while I go to work and he gets on my nerves.
3/ Thursday shifts are a little pointless (although I do get to work with my favourite workmate).
I usually get through Thursday okay but today I was a bit conflicted. I have been preoccupied lately with some problems. It would not be so bad if they were my problems but for some reason I have turned into the person that people go to for help and support. The worst thing about it all is people judge that I don’t have any stresses, commitments, worries and so I must have countless hours to spend pondering over their dilemmas. If this was the case then I would be okay about helping. Just lately though I have been inundated with other people’s shit (sorry for the swearing) but I need to say it out loud.
I know I am a calm person, I know that I was brought up to take care of other people – hence why I had five kids. I know I am sensible and responsible and helpful but at what point did I turn into the person who lets everything fall by the wayside, to put my problems on the backburner to fill my days and nights with problems belonging to other folk? At what point in my life did I start forgetting about me?
So my resolution for today is that I am going to learn to say no. I am going to take time to learn to say that tiny word. I am going to take a step back from everyone else just until I can get things in perspective. I am drowning in problems that are not even mine. I am letting other people suffocate me with things they should be sorting themselves. I am a crutch for just too many people and have realised that there is nothing and no-one holding me up.
I am sorry if this upsets people. I am sorry if this goes outside the little box everyone has me pegged into. I am putting my foot down, I am taking control of my own life and I am telling all of you that I am going to be a little strict with myself and start putting myself first all the time. I need to do this so that I can be there to look after my kids who actually need me.