I had huge plans for today starting with dropping my kids off at school on time and walking my dog up to the bench I have been visiting lately. Instead my little boy got ready -no problems, sat waiting on his sister getting out of bed (she is a nightmare to wake up). We all left the house late because Morgan decided nothing was going to hurry her this morning.
As soon as we walked out the door Morgan turned into her lovely self and talked all the way to school whilst her wee brother decided he had waited long anough and now it was his turn to make us even later. Both kids walked through the school door a good five minutes late. I went to meet my friend and her dogs and we walked to my house so I could pick up Zeke. We had planned to go up to the bench I had told her about (my thinking bench) but she backed out as the hill was too steep for her, one of her dogs was too old and she just couldn’t be arsed. I walked her almost all the way home then went home myself.
The walk had been designed to give me inspiration and some me time. Instead my friend totally dominated the conversation about things of no consequence (mostly her work hours), we ended the walk when I was just getting into my stride and I felt like I had wasted an hour of my life. I wish I had just walked on my own and spent an hour exploring the area surrounding the bench. I feel calm, clear headed and meditational when I walk up there – instead I came home dejected, bored and feeling robbed of my days intention.
I absolutely hate it when people suck the life out of you. I know someone else who can’t think or talk about anyone else but themselves and it really grates on my nerves. It is not hard to just say ‘whats up with you?’ between breaths. I feel like I am becoming more insular by the minute. I am starting to feel like I should just stick to reading books because real people are usually a disappointment. I have a few invitations to nights out coming up soon – two in october and one in december so far but I am reluctant to go to any of them. I hate getting dressed up, I just don’t feel like myself. I hate the expense just at a time when I am having to cope with three birthdays and christmas. What makes it worse is that people do not seem to understand when you tell them that you can’t make it. They start piling on the guilt and the urgency that they attach to these events whilst I struggle with trying to find a babysitter an outfit and money for the night out.
I think I want a divorce from christmas responsibility, social niceties and out of order urgings by folk who have no financial worries or constraints. I would like to say right now – leave me alone.