I have been absent from my blog for about a week and this has been a week full of epiphanies of one sort or another. I had been feeling really down for a few weeks now. A couple of important relationships in my life had went pear shaped and I let this disappointment cloud every other aspect of my life. Today I am feeling better for a couple of reasons but I think it is important to clarify three things that made me come to my senses:
Firstly – A young man who went to school with my eldest daughter died under horrific circumstances. This boy was twenty one years old and was so full of life. He coached football for young boys and girls and even coached my youngest daughter at one point. My daughter was very upset about this and I remember a tall, smiling boy who gave a lot back to the community and especially a lot of youngsters in this area who looked up to him. The tributes on facebook by a lot of these kids is a testament to how well liked and respected this young man was. This touched me for so many reasons – I met him a few times and thought what a lovely young man he was. My kids knew him and were upset at his passing but mostly I can only guess at how devastated his mother must be feeling. This made me realise how bad can my life really be if I have all my kids safe and healthy around me. I am truly one of the luckiest people I know.
Secondly – The paralympics are on at the moment and I have spent a lot of time glued to my tv set in awe at these fantastic people who are rising above great personal challenges to compete and achieve magnificent heights. The lust for life, the lack of self pity and the unbelievable strength and courage it takes for these people to not only get on with life but enjoy it to its fullest made me feel really stupid for worrying about a job I hate. Life is so much bigger than my job and I let it bog me down so much that I was starting to worry and fret about each day.
Thirdly – I remembered that I have choices in life. I can choose to keep looking at everything in a really negative light or I can choose to do something about my predicament or at the very least try and view it in a different way so that it is not depressing the hell out of me. I think when I am in a dark place it can be really hard to see anything positive. Today however I am seeing all the joy I have in life.
I know depression can be really debilitating but apart from the few dark moments I descend into every now and again I think on the whole that I am a positive person. I always have hope in my life – hope that things will get better, hope that I can achieve anything if I just work hard enough and also hope that every day will bring either a new person into my life or a new experience.
These epiphanies have resulted in a few changes for the good in my personal life:
1) I am writing again.
2) I am exploring the possibilities in life – looking at my skills, talents, passions and loves in life and trying to see where I can forge a future path out of it all.
3) I am walking as much as I can. I know to keep mentally and physically strong I have to keep walking as much as is possible. I am trying to devise a plan where I can get out with the dog on my own as often as I can and also trying to see when me and my kids can get out together.
4) I am reading loads. News articles, magazine stories, poetry, books and anything that stimulates the old grey matter.
5) I am trying to keep my journal up to date. I am also scrapbooking favourite articles, book reviews and other fascinating information for my own inspiration.
6) I am trying to concentrate on reading literature of worth to make up for all the rotten paranormal books that I had been consuming lately. The vampire and werewolf bubble has finally burst. I hope the literary and movie establishments realise this soon too. I think it is time for an era of new writing and original movies. I am fed up of the steady stream of regurgitated copies of old stories and movies that has been going on for some time.
7) I am embracing being me. I am starting to value myself more, put my opinions and thoughts to the fore instead of listening to everyone else. No-one knows me as well as I do. No-one has the right to judge me or make me feel less of a person. I am a good person, I love my kids so much, I am a fantastic mum, I am good at my job and I have a huge will to do something productive with my life.
This was a long overdue wake up call.