I have had another day where I have went through a million different emotions. I got up absolutely dreading my work and feeling sore and achey. My sitter turned up on time for once and I got to work on time. It was good to see my friends at work because I had not seen them for a while. It was really good to catch up with them and before we closed up for the day we all had a good laugh.
I have been doing my usual disection of my life and still trying to sort out where I go from here. I am torn between chasing the way I want to live my life and the way my life seems to be going all of its own accord. I am struggling to make that leap that I know will lead to more personal satisfaction, more of a challenging life, more happiness but more hard work and major upheaval to my home life. Instead I am stuck in a rut, I have zero confidence, zero satisfacion in my work life and no social life. I am just terrified that if I change everything then I wont be able to spend as much time with my kids or have enough money to feed and clothe them. At the moment this is a major worry for me.
I am supposed to be treating my kids tomorrow but finances do not look very good. I also need to get them a few necessary things but even if I can manage to get them we will be struggling for the rest of the month. I have been reading posts from people regarding christmas and that sends a chill running down my spine. I have so many things that need monetary attention right now that I cant seem to clear my head enough to deal with any of them.
I had a rough second half to my day and have had a wee cry for no significant reason other than I am feeling a tad lonely tonight. I got a wee hug from my two youngest and that goes a long way to making me feel better but I feel the need for a proper adult hug tonight. I also could do with a good blether and getting some painful stuff off my chest but as usual I’m writing it down because I have a lack of a significant other to share these things with. Sitting in my living room watching a movie with my eldest son just now listening to the torrential rain falling outside and feeling a little sad and emotional. I have another movie to watch on my own later because it is a girly emotional film and I think I need to spend a little time purging my emotions so a good movie to cry along with usually helps.
I like taking some time to myself to channel how I feel and get carried away in a good movie. I have not done it for a while. I miss movie nights with my kids. I may try to sort one out for friday after school. I like days when we hibernate in each others company.
I am off to watch my movie with a wee stock of tissues at the ready.