Today has been a bit of a funny day I have been mega-organised but have been drenched in a sort of apathy all day. I got up extra early, got all ready for today – got all my kids ready (I even have school stuff for tomorrow ready too) and once they were in school I just felt a bit washed out. I think I had been waiting for school to start with such gusto that now it is here – it is a little anti-climactic. I actually missed the hustle and bustle of a house full of kids. Even when they have been arguing all the time. I know that this is life’s way of telling me I need to fill this void with something else but today I just wanted to embrace the silence and try to chill out.
I will be getting my kids into bed as soon as possible because they have been behaving better now they are back in their old routine and mornings are so much easier when they have had some sleep. I desperately need to use this as a way to regulate my own sleep pattern. I have been neglecting myself on the sleep front for about four years now and I cannot go on like this. This week is the perfect time to rectify this. I have decided that I also need to sort out a proper schedule for myself too.
The weather has been atrocious for the last few days. My kids have been soaked to the skin on a daily basis and it has left them wary of going out at all. I have been lucky so far in as much as I do not drive and my kids have become used to the elements in some ways and are less prone to colds, the flu and other ailments because they have good immune systems. I think the fact that we have always been queezed into small houses and lived on top of each other in some ways has meant that we have all become used to bugs that do the rounds and we manage to fight off most infections. I know a lot of people whose kids seem to catch everything going and are floored.
Today has also resulted in me being emotional for no apparent reason. I have realised that I have no emotional outlet to let off steam, I have no-one close to me that is available to talk to so I have been internalising a lot of things. I need to stop this too. It is not good for me to keep everthing bottled up. I have been finding that I am increasingly feeling the need to purge myself of emotions and can be seen crying on my own at night for no real reason, well no tangible reason. I have been through a lot recently but I do not feel like that is the cause of the emotional breakdown. Just coping on my own for so long – and knowing that I will have to cope alone for the forseeable future has left me feeling a little alone and undervalued. So here is hoping that now I have acknowledged how I feel that I will actually be able to do something about it.