Well its here – the olympic ceremony is tonight. I have always found the olympics interesting. I love seeing people compete, take part, push themselves to the limit, drive themselves on and spend time in the company of people from various countries, cultures and walks of life. I have always since I was a child been interested in the athletics, the gymnastics and the general positivity of the olympics.
This year however things are different. They are taking place in the country joined on to mine so they are as close as they will ever probably be. They are heralded as a great thing for Britain. The truth is they will make little or no difference to normal English folk never mind us Scots north of the border. The only people making anything out of this are the government and the companies allowed to destroy this fantastic institution with their adverts and their propaganda. Well that is my rant over.
I have spent the day hobbling around since my trampolining enjoyment yesterday. I may have damaged my foot but will give it a couple of days and see if it gets any better. I also managed to get some of the school shopping done today. One kid down two more to go. I got the easy one out of the way first – its the two wee ones that are really challenging.
I am feeling better mentally but I have so many decisions needing made that I cannot properly make choices. I need to separate everything but so many things depend on the outcome of another decision so it is really confusing. I am considering getting another job, but where and doing what? Do I need to do another course to get one of those jobs? Do I want to move somewhere else if a job turns up that I want and actually manage to get? Do I want to move me and my kids away somewhere – where we know no-one (probably). I think my brain is screaming for a completely new start but where and doing what?
Would that be classed as running away from things? Or carving out a life for myself in a place with less baggage on my doorstep? The only reason worth staying here is that my oldest son has a friend and enjoys school. My two youngest have no real attachments yet so would be okay with a move. I have a couple of friends here but none that I socialise with on a regular basis. I know they are on the end of a phone for me anytime but proper physical friendship – face to face – share everything with – this is sadly lacking in my life.
I think living where I do and having the job I do and being as lonely as I am makes this house a physical entity that drags me down. The narrow mindedness of this town makes me feel like I am buried alive. It may just be how I feel today but I do think that something seriously has to change. The thing that needs to change might be me. Aaaarrrggggghhhh its so confusing. If anyone has any definitive answers for me then please feel free to leave me a comment.