Well I have been up early today. Got the kids off to their childminder, went to the doctor’s got a line off my work. I just don’t feel emotionally stable enough to go back there yet. I had to pop in to hand in my sick line and had a nice chat with girls from work. I was glad not to see my boss since she is the cause of half the distress I have been under.
Today I will be spending time reflecting on this past week, the way things are going and try and sort out how I feel about me, what I want to do with the rest of my life and my next steps. This is no easy task. I am coming to terms with a lot of things today. There is a lot of loss, disappointment, unfulfilled dreams and a general uneasiness with the way my life is going. So today is the first step in a long line of first steps to rectifying what has been going wrong in my life recently.
Up first is my work – do I see myself being there for the next few years? The answer is no. If I am still there in two years I will have given up on everything. The question is do I want to retrain for another four years in a profession that might or might not come to fruition. And the answer to this is I don’t think I have it in me. I don’t know if this is because of the emotional turn my life has taken in the past few weeks or if it is because I am finally fed up of doing courses that seem to lead to nothing.
Next is my idea of my own self worth. I know most people would put this at the top of the list but my work is the cause of alot of my self loathing. If I don’t deal with that issue then I will keep on getting knocked back down. I am an intelligent woman but being in a place that deliberately undermines everything I believe about myself is seriously detrimental to my health. I will never recover my self worth if I stay there. I don’t feel like today I am up to addressing that problem. Its a catch 22. I have no self worth staying in a job that erodes it a little more on a daily basis. I really don’t want to be looking for a job right now and who would employ me when my confidence is so low?
My general lack of regard for my own mental well-being needs urgent attention. There are loads more things I need to deal with but I can’t expect to fix everything in one day with one blog post. I will be trying to reconnect with myself – spend time reading, thinking, researching jobs and courses. I need to clear out my own head space and begin again. It seems like I need to climb the biggest of mountains but I will try to take it a step at a time.