My wee grandson is one year old today. What a momentous wee milestone for my lovely daughter. She is a great mum to her boy. I had the added treat of going to his party and spending time with all my babies and their babies. I had a lovely sleep last night as I was joined in my bed by my two youngest kids. I woke up bright and early with a pair of legs across my neck. It was claustrophobic but the company let me feel a little less alone for the night.
I have the hospital tomorrow again. Hopefully I will get some answers by then. I hate the limbo of waiting to find out if I need surgery or not (hopefully not). I was there yesterday and I managed to get through the visit on my own okay but waiting on the bus home in the torrential rain I cried like a baby. I cried all the way home on the bus then cried for about another hour when I got home. Today I felt like I had no more tears left and I thought yes I would venture out to my grandsons birthday tea and was fine until one of her visitors who is unable to speak at a normal level gave me her condolences very indiscreetly. No matter the warmth that may have been behind those words – the loudness with which she advertised my loss made me totally cringe. I wished I could be anywhere but there at that precise moment.
I feel washed out, lethargic and lifeless today. I know I will feel better physically soon but I feel heartbroken too. There are no quick fixes to deal with loss or grief. I just hope I can get through tomorrow then start rebuilding a life for myself. I know I am lucky to have my family around me. I am luckier than most people. I am worried about going back to work because I hate people feeling sorry for me. I’m sure I have mentioned this more than once but I would rather gouge out my own eyes than have someone look at me with pity. I have looked after myself for all these years on my own and okay something bad has happened and I don’t think I will be my usual chatty self for quite a while but I would rather I was just left alone to get over it instead of being doused in other folks pity.
I will deal with it by – spending time with myself, listening to hundreds of different types of music, writing poetry and my journal and if I want to share something with you I will. Been having cheer me up sessions with my sister, good chats with my friend on the phone and good advice from my friend from work via email. My kids have also shown themselves to be absolute stars.
Got to keep looking forward.