The pain from yesterday has come to some sort of conclusion now. I had what started off as period pain and ended up doubled up in my bed with definite little labour pains. I have to go for a scan tomorrow to check that its all over but I think I already know that. So today I have spent it lying down, crying, feeling sore but mostly feeling alone and vulnerable. People have been very nice to me but I just feel numb. The one person who should have been checking up on me has been absent except over the phone which really seems a bit pathetic.
I am trying to keep strong – thinking about the kids I do have and the extra time I will have to spend with them, not being tired all the time and not growing to the size of a house. I need to keep reminding myself of this over the next couple of weeks. The physical scars will heal long before the mental ones will. So although I am trying to keep my spirits up they are lower than they have been for a while.
The one good thing about this low period is that my poetry becomes a lot more interesting when I feel like this. I seem to be good at catching a mood as long as it is on the way down to depressed. This blog is the first reason I have had to get out of bed all day. It gives me a little purpose to a day that has no real reason to put in any effort. I have to thank my daughter who has kept my two youngest kids over night and all day so I could get rest time. My poor thirteen year old son was here with me all day and I feel bad for that. He is a star. I don’t know where I would be without my kids.
Tomorrow I have to get up early to go to the hospital and I need to make sure I can wake up early enough. I have been listening to really loud music all afternoon because feeling angry is better than feeling nothing at all. Music gets me through a lot of things, it keeps me sane when everything seems to be crashing down around me. I have been trying to read a lot to keep my mind off all the pain. I have been trying to do anything but feel how I feel. The let down by my supposed to be partner, the realisation that he is not the person he made himself out to be. The anger at myself for getting involved in the first place when all I have been telling myself most days in this blog is that I deserve better.
Oh how I wish I could rewire my brain into believing that I am a person who deserves good things. I deserve to be loved by a real, caring person who treats me well. How do I manage to rewire my brain when everyday of my formative years drummed into me the complete opposite?
Maybe tomorrow will be a better day. Today is too emotional to bear.