I am all over the place right now. One minute feeling really happy and the next I am gripped by fear and a depression starts to descend. I am fed up of feeling like I am on a major emotional rollercoaster. Why can’t life be easy and why can’t people be honest and up front. I am too old for all this running around, all this deception and all this bullshit. I am finding it hard to feel positive today. It seems that people keep letting me down.
Is today the day that I just decide to stop trying to be positive and give up the ghost? I don’t think so but one of these days someone will drive me too far. I am a calm, realistic person most of the time but when folk are playing with me when I am in the emotional state I am in now then I cannot guarantee that my reaction will be so calm. I have spent the last twenty two years being a single parent, I have had to put my trust in folk over the years but rarely has this worked out well. Only my sister has continually come through for me. As a result of this I should be all bitter and twisted but I am not. I should be unwilling to put my trust in anyone but I am not.
I understand that to get something out of a relationship I need to get emotionally invested in it and I hold onto that fact everytime I meet someone or build new friendships. I don’t want to be on my own forever. I just can’t understand why people cannot be honest in everything they do. I would never ever want to stay in a relationship if it made me unhappy. I have kids and I would never ever stay with a bad relationship to protect my kids because in the long run they would only end up getting more hurt.
I understand that to some people being safe and unhappy in their own little deluded life can be a comfort to a person but all this holding on to something that disintegrated long ago just stops you from looking to the future and making the best of the opportunities that come your way. I have had to deal with change in my life on a daily basis. I know how to cope with things on my own when most people would just crumble. I know people talk about me behind my back (some who I thought were friends) but its because I make them feel inadequate. Hey I am a woman on my own with five kids who has a huge heart and a the ability to put myself out there in the world without holding on to the shirt tails of anyone. I work damn hard on a daily basis, I have completed three degrees at the same time as looking after five kids and working. If I can do that then I can surely take on a little gossip, a little hate mail, dirty looks, being barred from certain places. I can live with all this.
I am not going to let certain people get to me or make me feel like I am dirt. I am just as important as everyone else. I have just as much right to happiness as the next person. If you have nothing better to do than look at the way I live my life then I really really pity you. I am living my life and have many things to look forward to. Mrs small-minded, judgmental, nosy nolife – can you say the same?