My internet connection is now back up and running. It means that I can get back into my writing. My blog has been empty for soo long and I have totally missed the cathartic expression of my feelings that comes with this blog. I feel like I have been missing a little part of my self. Just the action of writing and getting my thoughts and feelings down on this blog allows me to stop carrying the daily baggage with me.
This week however has given me a bit of a high. Apart from the usual hating work (depressingly unable to do the job i know I am capable of) I am not focusing on these things any more. My job is just now a means to an end but plans are afoot to take up a new challenge and maybe a huge career change. In this respect I am feeling really positive because I have switched off emotionally from a job that was a truly negative influence on my life. I am looking forward and nothing will stop me from facing up to the challenges ahead of me.
I am also getting lots of time to spend with my children. I have a great day when the weans get up in a good mood and we have lots of interesting conversations, we laugh constantly and days are better when I get to see the light of excitement in my kids eyes. I hope my kids have a similar lust for life as I do. I have made a conscious decision to spend time with myself every day. I have a lot of thoughts, stories and feelings that I carry around with me daily and writing is the vehicle I have for creating new possibilities for myself.
I have been having a love affair with myself. I have low days as everyone else does but I have had a few hang ups that have been repeatedly getting in my way. In some ways I was stopping myself from progressing as I procrastinate and put things off. Some times I just feel really scared to put myself out there emotionally and let my fear control my actions. For some reason turning forty has made some drastic changes in my life.
I have got to a point in my life where I am no longer willing to let others decide my fate. Life is too short to spend it being terrified of failure and it is time to get doing the thing I love. I can’t hide behind courses and studying anymore. I think this fear had also corrupted my view of myself, relationships and my own self-worth but now I am going to embrace the possibilities in everything.
Turning forty has also brought certain people into my life. I have realised how important friends are and I am able to spend time with my best friend in a way we never could have previously. We walk, talk, lunch and go for nights out together. My friendships at work have also taken off to a new level and I have dear dear friends there that I hope to be in touch with forever. There has also been another change (shock horror) I have been spending time with a certain guy, someone I would never have guessed in a million years would have liked me as much as he does. This interest sort of came at me from the side and knocked me off my feet. It is very early days but I have never felt this attracted to anyone. I am acting like a lovesick teenager even though I spend a lot of time with him. I have also felt very emotionally ready for this (which was unexpected) as I have worked through certain personal demons. I will divulge more as time goes on. I dont want to jinx anything as I like him an awful lot.
Heres to looking forward.