I have just had a lovely visit from my daughter and her little boy and she brought along her friend too. It is good checking up that she is okay and that she is surrounding herself with friends who are on the same wavelength as her and are supportive. She is a lovely lady my daughter – so trusting and open. At 19 years of age so she should be. Not jaded and suspicious like me. I have been living in a little bubble lately and have been trying to remain open and excited by life but sometimes this is harder than I expect. I have met quite a few new people over the weekend and it has made it fun and interesting. One thing I do notice however is that I need to try not to close myself down. I think sometimes I play my cards too close to my chest because I have been hurt so much in the past.
This weekend I think I have come to the realisation that maybe I am my own worst enemy. I have been so closed for so long that I am finding it difficult not to be. I am entering a part of my life where I feel like I have managed to remove a lot of the baggage that I have had from my last relationship and hopefully am in a place that I can look forward and maybe meet someone. My youngest child is only five but I think now is a good time to take stock of everything and see where I go from here. I am trying to be positive and take everyone on face value instead of being insular. I am trying to trust my intuition more than my negative past experience.
I also hate when people keep telling me I should wait till my kids are older. I get told that I should just settle for life as it is now until my kids are older. I am forty now but if I waited another ten years till my youngest son was 15 then I will be 50. I don’t want to spend my time waiting for life to happen. I want to have a life now. My kids would want me to be happy and fulfilled. I will not wait another ten years just because people think I should devote my every waking hour to my kids. I am a good mum, I talk with my kids, we have fun and laugh together and because it has just been us we all have a really close bond. A better bond than most kids from the so called normal two-parent families.
I want my kids to see me enjoying life to the full because that is the only way I know how to show them that they should so the same. I do not want to have regrets ten years from now – because I did not try to achieve what I want out of life. I will go forward from here with hope in my heart, a clear head and open to new experiences. I won’t just sit and wait till the day society says I can have a life or some freedom. As long as I look after my kids, let them know I love them on a daily basis, keep them safe, treat them with respect, care and love then I know I am doing a good job. Having a life and enjoying being a responsible parent are not too totally exclusive things it is possible to have both.
Just in the same way as it is possible to be a single parent and raise wonderful, respectful, intelligent and magnificent children who are law-abiding and contribute to society. I have put the best of me into my kids and at the moment I see that paying off in dividends. I have a fantastic 13 year old son who helps around the house, knows how to talk with respect to people and can hold intelligent conversation on a million topics. I have an eight year old daughter who is amazed every day by a new fact she has learned or can create magical pictures out of nothing in minutes. I have a five year old son who is astounded by life on a daily basis and when watching him work out how to do something it makes me feel alive, important and proud. My two eldest daughters too have been resourceful, creative, loving, open and a joy to spend time with.
The fact that I also have two grandchildren makes me deliriously happy. They make my heart swell with love when I thought it could not get any bigger. Life is good today, my house is warm, my kids are all well fed and healthy. I have interests that keep me busy. Music fills my every waking thought and writing holds the key to my soul. I have had a high points and low points this weekend but all I can ever be is true to myself.
Today is a very good day to be me. Always looking forward.