Big Rage Averted

I had a difficult day today.  I had an argument with deadbeat dad #3 about him babysitting for my kids.  He has had a little episode where he has decided to not look after the kids unless it is to let me go to work.  In other words he has decided that he will not look after his kids if it means I am going out to a social event. In other words he is fed up of me going out and maybe getting a life so he wants to stop it if he can.  I told him this but he said that he has no problem with me going out but then all this hatred and venom started pouring out about an incident with a guy I went out with four years ago.  This event happened four years after deadbeat dad and me broke up but this does not matter.

The upshot of all this is that he is trying to make a point because I have been getting friendly with someone.  This is nowhere near a relationship but he wants to make sure nothing develops.  This week however I am ready for this attack.  I had been planning a night out tomorrow and it looked like this was all going to be put off but my nephew has stepped in at the last moment to babysit so I am going to keep working on this thing called a social life.  When I was with deadbeat dad #3 he tried to stop me going out or seeing friends and in the beginning this was not that hard to do because I was all busy with kids and putting a lot of effort into a relationship.  Now that he has no real control over me he has decided he is going to try and mess things up because he can’t force me to stay at home all the time. 

When we are talking about a social life it is not some high powered drinking spree or three nights out a week.  This is the odd night out with my friend. Coming from a relationship where I was lucky to have a night out every nine months or so my social calendar seems very busy but compared to most people my age it is seldom that I have a night out.  This week he tried to put a curb on my getting out or trying to have a life but in actual fat it just served as a reminder that he has no control over my life whatsoever.  

Today’s argument has served only one purpose in the long run.  It has shown him that I am moving away from the relationship and the woman he turned me into.  I am finally seeing him for the small-minded little man he really is.  As a testament to that fact he has kept on shrinking in my estimation and he keeps looking more insignificant every time I see him.  The negativity this man carries around spreads like a cancerous growth but this week I have managed to push back and claw myself back from the hateful brink he had created for me.  If feels liberating and ultimately I am getting back to being me – the person I used to like before his poison dragged my soul from me.  

He has started wasting away before my very eyes.  He was an alcoholic for many years but has been sober for the last two.  In this time he has gone from a man who looked after himself and was relatively fit to a shadow of his former self. He has given up on looking after himself, he never eats and has actually begun to resemble a dried up raisin.  He has started looking like his face is caving in on itself.  It is scary to watch and I am horrified that he has so little regard for himself.  For about two seconds after seeing him I feel sorry for him but then have to swiftly remind myself he is a grown man and I am not responsible for looking after him.  

I am slowly moving away from the negativity of the relationship I had with him.  I worry about my kids having to see him looking as bad as he does or being surrounded by his bad attitude or hateful personality but I need to believe that he is not all bad.  My kids like to see him and no matter what I feel for him he is still their deadbeat dad.  All I can do is be around for them and pick up the pieces when he does not turn up or if he upsets them.  I can only do my best.  I love them so much and it is the love I show them on a daily basis that is going to help them grow into well rounded and independent adults.  We have beat the odds this far and we can keep on getting stronger.  The anger I felt at his attempt at controlling me was swiftly averted when I realised it was the act of a desperate man and that it had no bearing on my life whatsoever.  I am moving on.  I just wish he could now do the same.



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