I have been missing in action from my blog yesterday because I started writing a post but inspiration left me so I deleted it and left the day blank. I just needed a day to catch up on myself. I did absolutely nothing – I stayed in bed far too late. I let my kids watch too much bad Monday morning TV whilst I languished upstairs – doing nothing, writing nothing, thinking nothing – it was pure bliss. I ignored everything that was not urgent and it was a great day. I feel no guilt whatsoever because I did nothing. I think it was a day well earned and well enjoyed.
Today has been an interesting day. Got asked to do a few more hours at work which was okay because I did not have anything urgent to do. I had a good day at work, chatting to work colleagues and just enjoying being busy. Tonight is a different kettle of fish though. I have got lots of work to do. I could clear out the hall or actually get stuck into my essay work. Time is running out for this essay and I would like it to not be a half-hearted affair like most have been for this course. I would like to feel that I have put some effort into this since it is the last essay for my degree.
I was excited about completing yet another qualification but I have not really enjoyed this course. I used to have lots of energy for this when I was younger – managing to raise kids, work and study but my brain is just weary. I need to have some time for me doing physical challenges instead of mental ones. I think it is time for me to get fit and just put some extra time into me for a change.
I have been getting carried away in a romantic sense too, spending time with a guy who is lovely but is destined to not be here with me. I have enjoyed our conversations and having some intimacy with him but I know it is going to end so better now before I am hopelessly attached to him (although I think I already might be). I will wish him happiness in his new life stateside but I don’t think I am up for hearing all about his plans. Sometimes he gets carried away telling me about when he is leaving and not wanting to come back and it makes me sad. Yes I am sad that I wont see him again but mostly I am sad because I made another bad decision. My guy radar is well off.
I have also been immersing myself in music. When my heart aches one of the only things that soothes it is listening to music. I love shutting out the world and turning the volume up really loud. Some days I like it loud whilst other days it gets more mellow. I can’t help but dance though – if my neighbours could see into my living room they would think I was daft. I dance with abandon almost every day of the week. I dance when I get up in the morning and then dance my way back to bed at the end of the night. Occasionally I can also coax a little dance out of my kids. It is a great way to start the day.
The day when I stop dancing will be a shocker. That will mean I have given up a little inside and I hope I never do that.