Blogging through exhaustion.

I have been missing in action from my blog yesterday because I started writing a post but inspiration left me so I deleted it and left the day blank.  I just needed a day to catch up on myself.  I did absolutely nothing – I stayed in bed far too late.  I let my kids watch too much bad Monday morning TV whilst I languished upstairs – doing nothing, writing nothing, thinking nothing – it was pure bliss.  I ignored everything that was not urgent and it was a great day.  I feel no guilt whatsoever because I did nothing.  I think it was a day well earned and well enjoyed.

Today has been an interesting day.  Got asked to do a few more hours at work which was okay because I did not have anything urgent to do.  I had a good day at work, chatting to work colleagues and just enjoying being busy.  Tonight is a different kettle of fish though.  I have got lots of work to do.  I could clear out the hall or actually get stuck into my essay work. Time is running out for this essay and I would like it to not be a half-hearted affair like most have been for this course.  I would like to feel that I have put some effort into this since it is the last essay for my degree.  

I was excited about completing yet another qualification but I have not really enjoyed this course.  I used to have lots of energy for this when I was younger – managing to raise kids, work and study but my brain is just weary.  I need to have some time for me doing physical challenges instead of mental ones.  I think it is time for me to get fit and just put some extra time into me for a change.  

I have been getting carried away in a romantic sense too, spending time with a guy who is lovely but is destined to not be here with me.  I have enjoyed our conversations and having some intimacy with him but I know it is going to end so better now before I am hopelessly attached to him (although I think I already might be).  I will wish him happiness in his new life stateside but I don’t think I am up for hearing all about his plans.  Sometimes  he gets carried away telling me about when he is leaving and not wanting to come back and it makes me sad.  Yes I am sad that I wont see him again but mostly I am sad because I made another bad decision.  My guy radar is well off.  

I have also been immersing myself in music. When my heart aches one of the only things that soothes it is listening to music.  I love shutting out the world and turning the volume up really loud.  Some days I like it loud whilst other days it gets more mellow.  I can’t help but dance though – if my neighbours could see into my living room they would think I was daft.  I dance with abandon almost every day of the week.  I dance when I get up in the morning and then dance my way back to bed at the end of the night.  Occasionally I can also coax a little dance out of my kids.  It is a great way to start the day.

The day when I stop dancing will be a shocker.  That will mean I have given up a little inside and I hope I never do that. 

 

W

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