Operation clean-up started today. My bestie and I scraped the whole kitchen this morning. I feel more positive about the changes I am putting into my life. Decorating the whole house from top to bottom and hopefully in the process I will clear out all the negativity hanging around my life. Brightening everything has been sorely needed. My bestie has shown me what a good friend she is by helping me in this long hard slog. I am lucky to have her.
I have been feeling perturbed lately. It has felt like decisions have needed to be made but I have been far too messed up to do that. I have been feeling more vulnerable than I have ever felt before. Today started off well, positive and open. Tonight I had a lovely conversation with my niece and feel like sometimes she is the only person who knows how I feel. She is a single parent too and is trying to get by in a world that is lonely and isolated. I know exactly how that feels.
I tell her secrets that no-one else knows, we confide in each other and she helps to keep me on an even keel. After talking to her I spent hours chatting to a guy that I like more than is good for me. This conversation took many twists and turns and went from being chatty, flirty and fun to being serious, intense and also devastating. I don’t really know how to cope with the feelings I have. I don’t know how emotions can change so much in one conversation. I feel like a hormonal teenager with an unrequited love. It hurts really bad.
My day has been a roller coaster. It has been so strange that I am still sitting trying to compose this post and do it justice in the middle of the night. It was a day of two halves. A day that may take a week to get over. I will go to my bed and lie awake for the next couple of hours to try and make sense of it all. If you have any tips for getting over this please let me know.