Still not quite ready to give up the ghost.

I have had a reflective day today. I had a head full of serious thoughts.  I needed a good stretch of the legs and a chat with my bestie to help me make sense of everything.  I left her house feeling like I had made a decision – that things were sorted.  I still spent the rest of the day worrying about my decision though.  I then went and took the road that went against my decision.  I think I am still petrified that I make the wrong decision.  My head knew the path I took was the sensible one but my heart really did not want to go down that road.  I feel torn in half – torn between doing what I really want to do and the thing that most people say I should do.  

I wish I was braver and could just throw caution to the wind and chase the goals that I have been dreaming about for years.  Instead that wee voice of self doubt creeps in and makes me think I am doing something terribly wrong if I don’t do what other folk expect me to do.  I don’t always listen to that voice but today  the doubt is strong.  

I have plans for the rest of the week.  Most of those plans surround my house.  Tomorrow the stripping starts.  Starting with the kitchen.  Every room needs cleared and redone.  I am getting my central heating replaced pretty soon so I am hoping to get all the walls stripped before they get here so the house will be ready for papering as soon as the work is done.  I am looking forward to having nice new radiators etc – not looking forward to the upheaval and the mess.  It is a good thing but its going to be a long hard slog before I get my house the way I want it to be.    

This work on my house is just one part of the changes I am making.  The state of the house is just a symptom of the way my life had been going but I am finally ready to start work on the house and on me.  It is a scary but necessary process.  I think my kids are not sure what is happening so they are playing up.  I have furniture I just want to throw out of the house, carpets to rip up and replace.  I feel like I am restoring an old home but restoring myself at the same time.  Maybe this time next year I will be able to look back at this moment with clarity and a sense of achievement.  Tonight though it just seems like a lot of work.  

I think I am really filling my time with this because I do not want to sit and think about the heartache from last week.  This heartache is an ongoing drama that leaves me ecstatic one minute and bereft the next.  Relationships shouldn’t be like this I don’t think.  Maybe this is a reason to step away from it now before I get in any deeper.   I think that it may be too late for that – think I am in deeper than I should be.  

Oh well in for a penny – in for a pound I say.  

W

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