Finally paying attention

Today I am finally in command of my own future.  I am starting the big clear out today – getting rid of all my clutter both physically, mentally and psychologically.  Its a big job but I am man enough for the it.  I feel like I have been in limbo but it has taken until today for me to see what has been in my road, blocking my path to happiness as it were.  Really the biggest obstacle has just been ME.  I have been putting off making changes for a while now.  I was too scared to actually go for what I want.  Today this all stops though.

I have had a couple of days full of epiphanies of one sort or the other.  Self doubt is the real reason why I have not made a proper go of things.  Self doubt in many areas of my life; work, ralationships and the way I feel about me.  I have been spending too much time wallowing in what has been going wrong and not enough in finding solutions.  I thought life would get easier as I got older not harder.  Today I am getting out of my own damn way.  I am re-prioritising my life and placing everything in order of importance and relevance.  I still have a lot of things to work through but today I am just rejoicing in the process – taking time to see what I want out of life now as opposed to some five year plan I made a couple of decades ago.  Life changes, people change and today I am acknowledging that I no longer want the things I used to.

I am looking forward today – to the possibilities that I can achieve anything I want to.  It is the beginning of a hard journey.  It is not easy (especially as a single parent) to let go of the baggage and work through really emotional and difficult areas of my life.  I don’t have the support system a lot of people have but I have a big heart and a desire to change my life before it is too late.  I wont regret another day in my life and I will cram as much as I possibly can into changing my life for the better.  I always used to think that my kids deserved more than I could ever give them.  I used to worry that they had to grow up quicker than most kids because it was just us.  My kids and me have always been a team though – I hope more than anything that they know how much I love them.  I think that my kids are really great people and have huge personalities with the ability to make up their own minds.  Today I am letting go of the guilt and just enjoying life.  I can’t beat myself up any more.  Today I am also going to put myself first for a while to see how focusing on me and my future can help to change the self doubt I have into a catalyst to spur me on.

Today is a good day to be me.



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