Stranger in a Strange Land

The kids went back to school today.  Everything went really smoothly – it was the first time in ages.  My youngest son was having a minor strop about wearing a hat to school.  He hates it but needs to wear it.  I love walking to school with him and his sister.  There is something utterly perfect about walking on a lovely sunny morning with an ice cold chill in the air.  Having the weans’ wee hands in mine all the way, chatting as we went.  I am easily pleased.  Small things like that give me joy on a daily basis.

Have had a day of many funny conversations, catching up with people I have not seen for a little while.  I did my shopping early – had to suffer the woman in the butchers banal holiday conversation.  I had a little lul of disorientation in the middle of the day.  This was along the lines of a conversation with myself.  Why am I still working here? What would happen to us if I just packed my job in tomorrow?  Why do I let this situation go on longer than is necessary? It is then I remember walking my kids to school and how I need to look after my kids because no-one else will.  I am the only proper parent any of my kids have, so it is my job to show them that people need to work.  I have a lifetime of deadbeat dads to make up for.

I felt really bad when I switched jobs because I thought I am halving our income in one fell swoop.  The money was never very good anyway but at least now there is hope of restoring some balance to life. I would happily do without money just to have my five kids round about me, their kids too.  I got sick and tired of fighting for some recognition in a world where its not what you know but who you know.  I got sick of working for the man without any semblance of self respect as it drained any hopes of a career from my grasp.  So we have downsized from the almost nothing we had before to absolutely nothing now but it is okay.  I have big shoulders and a big heart.  I have learned from the best at how to make ends meet on a pittance.  We will be okay for the time being.  All this hardship does is inspire me to find some way out of this hole.

I am having a day of doubt in a year filled with moments of clarity.  The little tiny things about my day – hugging my kids, watching them smile, seeing the wonder in their faces as they discover something new, watching them bust a gut with laughter makes any work crap of mine pale in comparison.

Hopefully on to better things.



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