The kids went back to school today. Everything went really smoothly – it was the first time in ages. My youngest son was having a minor strop about wearing a hat to school. He hates it but needs to wear it. I love walking to school with him and his sister. There is something utterly perfect about walking on a lovely sunny morning with an ice cold chill in the air. Having the weans’ wee hands in mine all the way, chatting as we went. I am easily pleased. Small things like that give me joy on a daily basis.
Have had a day of many funny conversations, catching up with people I have not seen for a little while. I did my shopping early – had to suffer the woman in the butchers banal holiday conversation. I had a little lul of disorientation in the middle of the day. This was along the lines of a conversation with myself. Why am I still working here? What would happen to us if I just packed my job in tomorrow? Why do I let this situation go on longer than is necessary? It is then I remember walking my kids to school and how I need to look after my kids because no-one else will. I am the only proper parent any of my kids have, so it is my job to show them that people need to work. I have a lifetime of deadbeat dads to make up for.
I felt really bad when I switched jobs because I thought I am halving our income in one fell swoop. The money was never very good anyway but at least now there is hope of restoring some balance to life. I would happily do without money just to have my five kids round about me, their kids too. I got sick and tired of fighting for some recognition in a world where its not what you know but who you know. I got sick of working for the man without any semblance of self respect as it drained any hopes of a career from my grasp. So we have downsized from the almost nothing we had before to absolutely nothing now but it is okay. I have big shoulders and a big heart. I have learned from the best at how to make ends meet on a pittance. We will be okay for the time being. All this hardship does is inspire me to find some way out of this hole.
I am having a day of doubt in a year filled with moments of clarity. The little tiny things about my day – hugging my kids, watching them smile, seeing the wonder in their faces as they discover something new, watching them bust a gut with laughter makes any work crap of mine pale in comparison.
Hopefully on to better things.