I am sitting wondering what to write here. I had what seems to have been an uneventful day. On closer inspection though it turns out my day was not too bad. First off – my kids all behaved really well this morning. I have not had to spend any time today giving my kids a row or raising my voice. This in itself makes today absolutely fabulous. It has been the easter holidays and when the school is shut it usually means my kids are bored and crabby and irritable. Today everyone got along and we even had some lovely chats.
Today I also got to spend some time with two of my favourite people. One was my friend who I met about lunchtime and had a lovely conversation with him about films – a topic close to both our hearts. He was in a great mood and we both smiled a lot during our conversation. I then went to drop my kids off at my best friends house. She was in a great mood and helped lift my mood so that my time in the depths of hell was bearable. We laughed like silly kids at things of absolutely no consequence but it was a brilliant way to spend a thursday afternoon.
I am now having some quality time with my older son. We have really similar tastes in tv, music and films so it is always a pleasure spending time with him. I have been focusing this week on the not so good aspects of my life. The deadbeat dad situation had been getting me down. He actually started asking me for money for tobacco and other stuff but because I need him to help out with childcare I actually gave him some. Getting that money back is a different story though. I need to get proper guidelines set up because the silly wee visits and niggles are starting to afffect my life. The stress I feel when he is coming down or when he is actually here is being magnified because I don’t have any escape from him at the moment. This stress has actually ruined the time my kids have had off school.
I really wish he did not have to come around at all but the situation just now means I need him The only thing that he does for me is babysit now and again so that I can get out. These nights are usually marred by his negativity before I leave and then inappropriate comments after I get home or even worse the unwanted advances. I had been letting this all get to me. This is what happens in his company; I start to forget what I like about me, he makes me feel small and useless. Most days though I feel totally above all of this. I know his negativity is just that, his problem. I know he does not see the possibilities in life like I do.
My youngest child is five so I still have to have him in the picture till he is older but I so wish that I never had to speak to or see him again. Maybe things will be better after the holidays when the kids are back at school and normal childminding resumes. I only have to deal with him three times a fortnight then. When he is down I keep my headphones in so I can attempt to drown out his voice. I also go and sit in another room just to get away from his poisonous personality.
This blog is a great vehicle for exorcising all my demons concerning him. He is a constant reminder of where I was in life and where I won’t ever be going again. This man may be the father of my children but he does not control me anymore. I just let him bother me this time. I will get things back on track and provide for my children like I always have on my own. I will start to make a life for myself and my kids that isn’t held back by him and his negativity. Onwards and upwards as they say.