Its April 1st and it is my mum’s birthday. Even though she died 8 years ago I still like to think of her on this day. I have been a bit melancholy this morning for a couple of reasons. I miss my mum obviously and wee days like today just show the gulf between when I last saw her and now. I also feel like this because my mum was the one person who knew when I was stressed, knew when something was not quite right with my life. When I was pregnant with my daughter Morgan she was desperate for me not to go back to the job that I hated. She died worrying that I would stay in a job that was soul destroying on a daily basis. She worried that I had so much to give but was floundering in a job I hated.
Today seems so much more poignant because eight years ago I was in exactly the same situation that I am in now. The job was very different to the one I have now but the feelings of under-achievment, the serious lack of challenge in a job that I used to love and the daily stress about going into work and not having any kind of fulfillment from it are the same. I am taking today to do several things. I am going to grieve for the mother, friend, grandmother to my children and special person that I have lost. As well as that heart-wrenching gut-ripping loss I am also taking this day to grieve for the job that should have been. I am going to accept that the job I have is far too easy and much less challenging than I want or need. I work with the loveliest people but that is not enough to make me enjoy my work.
I cannot just walk into work tomorrow and hand in my notice because I need to work. I have kids that need fed and a house to upkeep. I cannot just phone up and say im not coming in today or ever because I need to be doing something even if it is mundane, routine and unspectacular. I will keep going to work in order to provide for my family, show those who want me to leave that I will leave on my own terms and also to give me breathing space to either find a new job or just get my head around the things I need to do to have the career I deserve.
So today is a day for reflection on my mother and the fantastic person she was but it is also a day to remind myself what she saw in me and wanted for me. She knew I had dreams and hopes and skills meant for much better things than I am doing now. She knew I had a desire to make something of my life, she knew how easy it was to get labelled as a mother and nothing else. I will turn this bad situation I am in now totally around. I am taking this day but tomorrow is a whole new ballgame.
For mum – I will show you what you brought me up to be. I hear songs that remind me of you, I see a look in my kids eyes that lets me know a little bit of you is still here. My kids are a huge part of me but do not make me who I am. I am a reflection of your love, your heart and your intellect. You gave me the skills to succeed and the drive to do that. I take your support and your love with me everywhere. Love and miss you mum. xxxx