Saturday Night

As usual on this fine saturday night I am at home with my kids.  I had the day off but have spent it doing absolutely nothing after the frantic week I had.  I am sitting looking at the screen of my computer watching for a flicker of hope on facebook.  A glimmer of a conversation that might be had from this virtual world that drags me out of the realms of my living room.  I had a night out two weeks ago and this will have to sustain me for some time because money is running low and it is coming up to school uniform replacement time.  It is my daughters birthday next week too so I really need to budget to buy her a pressie.

The use of social networks is a double edged sword to a single mother.  It can be a lifeline to sanity when the kids are playing up – where I can get some adult conversation and maybe some entertainment but it also seems very lonely on nights like tonight when no-one is around for a chat and a lot of time can be wasted waiting. It is also a link into the world of my two grown up daughters who are my facebook friends.  It allows me to chat to them, see how their lives are going and bridges the distance between where we live.  I can’t see my grandkids everyday but most days there is a new picture of one or both of them for me to see.

I miss my daughters, I miss the laughs and the conversation.  I still have three kids at home but it is a lot quieter without them.  I still need to find something to bridge that gulf – to stop the loneliness I feel without them here.  The constant noise of having all five of my kids at home was a comfort to me.  I knew where they all were and knew that they were safe.  It also however stopped me from thinking about myself. What do I want out of life?  Now I have loads of time on my own, time to think, time to reflect.  I have actually had to relearn who I am and what I want out of my life.

I am still learning that it is okay to want things for myself.  I am still learning how to take my opinion into account instead of putting everyone else first.  I am still learning that I am important.  I am still learning.

So far I have learned:

1. That life without writing is a life half lived.  Everyday I have a story that needs to be told.

2. That life without a little me time – is stressed and leaves me tired and harrasssed.

3. I have learned that I am going to be okay on my own no matter what.

4. I have learned that I am a good person.

5. I have learned that I am interested in everything.

6. I have learned exactly what is precious to me – my kids, family, writing, music and staying true to myself.

7. I have learned that I am an incredibly strong person.

8. I have learned that I have loads of skills and qualities that make me special.

I constantly need to remind myself of these things because it is an alien concept for me to spend time on me.  I forget why I am me sometimes.  The drama that surrounds raising five kids sometimes becomes all consuming and I am the last to get any attention.  For about three years I was sleeping for less than four hours a night because I was stressed and worried.  I have had to retrain myself to get into a routine that allows me enough rest time.

I think I am making good progress even though I need a wee reminder now and again.



4 thoughts on “Saturday Night

  1. Anytime you need reminding of that list just ask me. I wil remind you as many times as you need. I know all those things are true of you and I know you are changing too. I have seen it happening and most of it is good. Sometimes you get a little down and a bit self conscious? I’m not sure that is the right word. You have low self esteem sometimes and I will remind you of your list whenever you need. OK?

    • I would really appreciate that Helen. You make me feel like I can achieve everything I set my mind to. I do need reminders now and again. Did you read the post about obsession? There is a link to you being a comfort to me at work. It made me quite emotional thinking about you today. I am working on the self esteem lady but it is easier having you in my corner. x

  2. Wow I’ve just been on and read Obsession. I had no idea that me touching you made such an impact on you. I am a touchy feely person and always ready for a hug but I realise a lot of people don’t want one, and I’ve got a bit nervous over the years about spontaneous hugs and touches. One of my son-in-laws loves a big hug and a kiss but the other one stiffens up when I embrace him so I tend not to now. The other one is still new and I don’t know if he likes it yet or not. My daughter in law was a bit stiff and unyielding when I first started to hug her as they weren’t a family of huggers but now I can give her a cuddle and she seems to like it. I would have given you a hug instead of just a touch on the arm if I had known you would like it. So look out now hugs abounding everytime you see me. x

  3. Hey Helen I have been really lonely over the last four years or so and that day when you put your hand on my arm it made the world of difference to me. I felt your hand print I think for the rest of the day because your hand was so warm. I was talking to Deborah about it the other day and actually got a little emotional about it even all this time later. I know you don’t really like me calling you mum lol but you remind me of her in so many ways. You are just a bundle of compassion, understanding and love and I really appreciate that you care about me. I really do have some wonderful friends and am happy every time I see you. The support you give to me over my writing is fantastic and I just hope it lives up to your expectations. xxx

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