The day started off really well. The sun was shining, I wrote a poem five minutes after waking up and it felt like nothing was going to dampen my day. The kids were behaving okay and we got to school almost on time. Work was good and I had a lovely chat with colleagues and saw a few smiley customers. Lunchtime I wrote three other poems and really thought the day was going to be one of the best for a while. I went visiting after work – my daughter and my friend. On the walk home though everything changed.
I could feel the energy drain out of me as I walked. The kids were playing up a little but thats nothing unusual. I could feel myself getting tired and I just couldn’t seem to snap out of it. When I got home the kids were in bed as quick as possible so I could try and sort out my head. As I don’t have anyone to chat with once my kids are asleep so I write here – sending my pain out into the ether in the hope it doesn’t bother me anymore. I am trying to fathom why I feel so damned rotten after such a gloriously good, warm, sunny and beautiful day.
I think the reasons are this:
1. I feel a little hormonal today.
2. I have spent some time with people today and it just reminded me how lonely I am at home when the kids are asleep.
3. I have been worrying a lot lately and keeping everything to myself is painful.
4. I think after being responsible for five other people for years I have forgotten how to relax. How to let go of my cares and worries is a skill that eludes me.
5. The sun today was so bright and dazzling that once it started to fade my good mood left with it.
6. Maybe it is just my day to feel sad – heart wrenchingly devastatingly sad.
7. I missed my big walk with the dog today and the fresh air soothes away the worries. I need my dog walking allowance to keep me sane.
I know that days are not always like this but today for some reason it is just a little harder to cope with the emptiness, the loss of someone to hug, the void that exists. Today I felt that void like an old friend. It curls itself around my soul and squeezes. Squeezes just enough to let me know that it is there, waiting till i let my guard slip.
But tomorrow will be different. Different because:
1. It is not Monday – Mondays are always the worst.
2. No matter what happens I always wake up with a little hope.
3. My kids make me smile, infuriate me, crush me with their warmth, drive me up the wall and fill me with optimism.
4. Writing anything from my blog, a poem, an entry in my journal or a complete story makes me really happy. It puts breath in my lungs, a beat in my heart and a light in my soul.
5. I am ever hopeful that I will make a connection with someone or something. From meeting my dearest friend to watching the sunlight dance on the river as my kids throw stones into the depths. A stolen flirty look or a huge hug hello.
6. Music makes the world go round. I cant live without music, the songs go round in my head like a whirlwind. I could not imagine a day of my life where music did not figure into it somewhere. When I gave birth to my kids I had a different song for each one, when I am down there is a song that picks me up. When I want to cry there is a song that will just help to make that happen. My blog is sad most of the time but if there was not a cacophony of music in my head all of the time then life would be a terrible, hopeless affair.
There I feel a little better now. Writing 1 depression 0.